What to do before you’re a parent

I remember when I was pregnant with my first baby being bombarded with these lists of baby essentials that I just had to have.  Every list had different ideas on what was essential, and wanting to be the best mother and believing I needed all this “stuff” I bought it all.

And some of it was very handy.  She loved her bouncer and her play mat.  The pram and carrier got plenty of use.  Wraps, clothes, and when she switched to formula the bottles and the steriliser.  The highchair also got use when she began solids.  But the baby bath sat in the box, the mountain of toys went untouched until after her first birthday, fancy outfits with frills and bows were left in favour of onesies and simple shirts and shorts.

Then our second came along.  He wore lovely hand me down clothes, his bouncer, highchair, cot, pram and carrier were all first used by his sister, we bought a couple of special things but it was all pretty minimal.  And you know what?

He’s not emotionally scarred by the experience.  He isn’t begging for new outfits or disappointed that his sheets had first been slept in.

To be frank it is kind of nice when I see my so wearing a tshirt that my daughter once wore.

Truth is our babies don’t need stuff.  All babies need is something to wear, nappies of some description, somewhere to sleep (your bed is fine provided you do it safely), breastmilk or formula, and a car seat if you plan on travelling by car.

That’s it.

No bells and whistles, no toys for the first few months, a pram isn’t even an essential, a good baby carrier will do and your arms are up to the task I’m sure.  Newborns only weigh a couple of kilo.  Hand me down clothes are great.

Point is I see many parents to be sweating the small stuff and ignoring the truly important issues that need to be raised before baby is born.

The going home outfit, which colour BJCS covers, which automatic swing, which brand bottles or which baby announcement cards you’ll use are these conversations, and every single couple expecting a baby should have them -

Where will this baby be born?

Who will be there?

How will this baby be fed?

Where will this baby sleep?

What are your feelings on sleep training?  If you don’t know what it is and what it’s about, read about it.  Discuss it.

What are your views on discipline?

What will be the division of household chores once this baby has arrived?

Because there is no point discussing this 6 weeks postpartum when the house is a dump, you feel awful and your partner is calling out from over the top of the x-box “just give him a bottle babe!”

It’s important to have these conversations long before you really need to have them.  Then everyone is on the same page.

The last one is probably the most important.

What will be the division of household chores once this baby has arrived?

 

The most important thing to remember is that you’re in this together.  Forever.  And even if you are a stay at home mother you’re both responsible for the care of this baby.

 

Looks it’s pretty simple stuff, instead of looking at lists of things you absolutely must buy no questions asked or else you are a terrible mother, look at how you are going to raise this child.  How are you going to parent?

After all humans have been doing this for a long time now and long before the invention of all the fancy gadgets and must-haves we are now led to believe are essential to parenting.  It’s all about marketing.  They see vulnerable women wanting to make the best choices for their unborn child and play to it.  All you need is a loving heart and to be flexible while at the same time you need to have expectation laid down between you and your support people so that when it comes to crunch time everyone already knows what they need to do.

Attachment Parents Are The Best Parents

You heard it here, right from the horses mouth, Attachment Parents are the best and all other styles of parenting are negligent.

That’s right if you don’t subscribe to the AP way then you may as well leave your children in the woods to be raised by wild animals because they would do a far superior job.  If you bottle feed, sleep your baby in a cot, have a routine, feed your child puree, let them watch television before their 2nd birthday, send them to mainstream school or vaccinate you are truly a monster not worthy of being a mother.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  You are awful!  Your children will grow up to be detached emotionless criminals filling up our prisons and terrorizing our aging population.

I’m not serious.  I don’t believe that.  In fact many of the things listed I’ve done or plan to do in the future.  But just think.

How many times has it been said that attachment parenting creates unhealthy connections between mothers and babies, or spoils children, destorys marriages, elevates children to the position of parent, doesn’t give children the discipline or routine they need, is permissive.  Is wrong?

And that is seen as a normal critique of parental choices, yet on the flip side if you dare even think that a mother may not have her babies best interests at heart when she opens a copy of Tizzie Hall’s latest ‘book’ then you are JUDGING ME!

Let’s look at this seriously.  It’s okay to call anyone who has had a birth plan a Birthzilla but if you question the author on her choice to sleep train her infants you are a hater.  Truly, just ask about the Gift of Sleep in a less then complimentary fashion on Mia Freedman’s twitter, facebook or mamamia website, or the Gift of Sleep’s facebook and count the seconds before your comments are deleted and you are blocked.  In fact comments on the blog posts about The Gift of Sleep on Mamamia are totally blocked.  Apparently Mia Freedman is free to bash homebirthing women, anti-vaxxers, breastfeeding women and attachment parents but can’t take a hint of criticism herself.

And how many times have we been told that we’re creating a rod for our own back?  That our babies will never be off the breast.  That they will be in our bed FOREVER.  That this is our future

And we should be very very afraid.

Honestly, I’m not concnerned, if DS is still wanting a boob when he’s a grown man it certainly won’t be mine he’s chasing.

But seriously, why is it okay to say negative and horrible things to women choosing the attachment method of parenting but when they even casually question a more mainstream approach it is seen as judgement.  I have had nasty horrible things said to me especially regarding the apparent sexual nature of breastfeeding but when I simply stated “but isn’t a bottle just an imitation nipple” I was said to be mean, nasty, judging, it’s not my fault I couldn’t breastfeed, stop acting so superior.

Ho-Hum.

All I’m asking is this.  If you’re going to make broad sweeping statements about my parenting then be prepared to hear a few about yours.  I’m not going to lie down and take false accusations of stunting my childs development, or underhanded comments about the future of my marriage with a smile and a nod.  No way no how.  No.  I’m not that sort of woman.

Not when I have chosen my methods based on what is best for my child not always what is easiest or most convienent.  I don’t subscribe to the “happy mum happy baby” line to justify every decision that may have negative consequences.  I don’t believe this is a stage of my children’s life to simply be endured but a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Emotional stability comes from having a strong framework to begin with.

If you find my way of parenting confronting or if it makes you uncomfortable well I don’t apologize because quite frankly how other people (other then my children and husband) feel about how I run my house does not matter to me.  Yes I take into consideration the opinions of family, their opinions matter to me and I value them.  Random other mother, hate to break it to you but I don’t care if you think that I ruined my baby by “letting” him sleep in my bed, you don’t want to know what I think of your choice to stop breastfeeding at 8 weeks so you could go party with your girlfriends and leave the baby with your husband as per usual.

Spite?  Little bit.  I’m tired of defending my choices to people who judge in one breath and claim judgement in another.  We all judge, a lot.  It’s how we make choices about what is best for us.  Perhaps some people should take a look at what they’re about to say before they say it and ask themselves, am I adding to the conversation in a constructive way or am I pushing that person away with my ill-informed opinions?

STFU, 60 Minutes

So, what exactly was the point of the Attachment Parenting piece on 60 minutes?  It certainly wasn’t to inform mothers that there is an alternative to spanking, cry-it-out, routine feeding and scheduled nap times.  It seems to have been another piece of suedo journalism with the intent to tell women and more specifically mothers how wrong they are.

That’s right, those naughty hippies ignoring the advice of generations of mothers gone before them in an attempt to follow a fad style of parenting.

Well as an attachment parent I’m going to clear up some little inaccuracies from the On Demand segement of 60 Minutes.

Attachment Parents give in to every demand of their children.

No, we don’t.  I often tell my children that they can’t do something, have something, behave in a certain way.  It’s not okay to hit others, throw an hour long tantrum because I said we were coming home and you wanted to stay, I’m not going to sit and breastfeed for hours and hours, we don’t snatch, and the 3 year old must use her words.  Pretty simple stuff really.  My 3 year old could ask for cake half an hour before dinner time, doesn’t mean I’m going to give it to her.  My 18 month old might simply be going boob to boob, side to side, they’re empty, you’re finished.  Time to hop off.

Which brings me to my next point…

Attachment parenting is a checklist that must be followed to the letter

I considered myself an attachment parent long before I was a breastfeeder.  My first child was weaned well before her 6 week check up.  She only co-slept with us for 4 months before she stopped settling in our bed so went to her own sleeping space.  I considered myself an attachment parent because I responded to the needs of my baby in a empathetic and respectful way.  It had nothing to do with how and where she was born, how she was fed, where she slept, what toys she played with, and everything to do with the intent behind everything that was done.  You can be an attachment parent who bottlefeeds, sleeps their baby in a cot, pushes a pram and has elective csections.  Again, not a checklist, a philosophy.

Attachment Parents look down on mothers who don’t follow the philosophy

That’s right, all APers are snooty do-gooders who think everyone else is wrong wrong wrong.

What a load.  I’ve never met these women with these aparent superiority complexes.  I’ve never sat in a circle discussing how women who use controlled crying are the devil and must be “dealth with.”  I have however had to defend my parenting choices to others, sometimes to people I always thought would have my back, I know many other women who make similar choices have to regularly do the same.  Maybe this is misinterpretted.  The truth is that there is evidence against controlled crying.  Presenting that evidence is not the same as calling someone a bad parent or intentionally making someone feel bad.  The only person who can make someone feel guilty is themselves.  I’m really tired of having to defend my mothering choices while at the same time being called horrible things for asking questions of the parenting methods of others.  If you’re not prepared to defend your choices then don’t put me in a position where I have to defend mine.

Attachment Parents are agressive about their parenting choices

I think you missed the point about it being a gentle style of parenting.

Attachment Parents put their relationships with children before their partners and marriages

No.  Not true at all.  That’s why there are many APers who are tandem feeding.

But you co-sleep, how do you “do it?”

There are other places other then a bed to make babies.  If you’re only doing it in bed well, doesn’t that get a bit boring?

Attachment Parenting is a concious decision

Not always, I had no idea it was called that until long after I was already doing it.  I figured I was just parenting.

Attachment Parents meet in little groups and bitch about mainstream parents

No, we mostly just talk about organic food co-ops, Thermomix recipes and compare wraps and structured carriers.

The 60 Minutes piece was so condecending.  I wish the Australian media would stop adding fuel to the fire that women use to flame each other.  How about this, we are all given a free pass to discuss our methods of parenting without judging each other (remember studies that don’t involve your child are not a judgement against you) because topics like controlled crying should be discussed so women can see both sides of the coin.  But please, 60 Minutes, don’t pit ourselves against each other, that’s what we have parenting forums for.

Where did all the hippies go?

Sometimes it’s hard being the hippie. Sometimes you feel like the guy standing on the side of the road waving a poorly written sign proclaiming that the end is nigh.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Who knows. But I do know that often what I believe about health and wellbeing is so different from the mainstream views it sort of does make me look like a crazy person.

That because advertising claims, health ‘professionals’ and seemingly everyone we talk to believes on way it must be do.

And that thinking any different is well crazy.

Anyone who lives a so-called alternate lifestyle faces it at one point or another. That’s not what my doctor/mother/the packet/this opinion piece says so you must be wrong.

Sometimes it’s not even about wrong or right, it’s about not wanting to change. It’s easier to be ignorant to the truth or to just not care.

Attachment parents you know what I’m talking about. Homebirth, co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, homeschooling, baby led weaning, babywearing, gentle guidance, night time parenting.

Sometimes it doesn’t even matter how much evidence you have on your side you’re wrong.

There is mounting evidence that breastfeeding your toddler is good for them but don’t because it’s creepy or weird.

Or that coconut oil is good for you during pregnancy and while lactating… But that’s hippie crap, how the hell would you even cook with that, doesn’t it make all your food taste like coconut?

Let’s not even get into choosing to be chemical free, wait, let’s go there.

Lots and lots of chemicals are legal and are readily used in a range of products from beauty products to cleaning products, and they’re doing us damage. Why would cancer rates be 1 in 2,000 at the year 1900 and are now in 2012 believed to hit 1 in 2 in generation X’s life time? What’s changed? What we eat has changed, what we use to clean ourselves and our homes has changed, how we live, how we work, it’s all changed.

Now as most of my readers are also tree hugging hippies I know that you’ll understand what I’m talking about

We’re up against it. The EU have made herbal remedies harder to obtain removing consumer choice.. There are constant calls for natural medicine to be banned or restricted here in Australia. Vaccination is being linked to payments that had nothing to do with vaccination at all.

Effectively our choices are being stripped.

And as the majority of people go along with it and follow authority with blind trust, to question and to march to the beat of a different drum is to declare yourself a crazy hippy. It’s just like standing on the side of the road warning passers that the end is nigh.

And maybe it is, because most of what we warn about will decrease your health span. Sure you’ll live to 70 or 80 but what kind of a life? Will you be happy and healthy in old age or will there be degenerative disease?

And what about our kids?

So what are the crazy hippies doing?

Eating organic

Exercise
It’s not just for weight loss. Exercise is important for everyone for long term health. The longer you stay active the longer you’ll stay healthy. Walking a bit each day can be the difference between remaining independent or not in older age. So what do you do? Walk to the shops, ride a bike, dance, take up a team sport, it doesn’t have to be weights at the gym and it doesn’t even have to cost you anything. Yoga is great for the body and the mind.

Get rid of the craptastic chemicals
And if you want help knowing what is safe and what’s not then feel free to get in contact with me. On Facebook or email me – amandareimers@live.com.au

If you’re not sure then read about it.
Seriously, google is your friend. Read a whole bunch of opinions and chose for yourself. Doctors, nurses, naturopaths, nutritionists, they all put their own personal spin and opinions on their advice, if you are not sure then do your own research. Some professionals will say that it shouldn’t be up to parents to have to read labels and studies. I don’t agree. I think taking responsibility for our own health and the health of our children is of utmost importance. Health professionals should be empowering us and giving us the tools to make those choices.

Don’t be afraid to be different

Sometimes it may feel like you are the only person in the whole world who cares about labels, organics, processed and refined food, homeopathics, chiropractic care. While others think a massage is something of a nice treat you may be the only one believing that massage and touch are important healing tools. It’s okay, truly it is. Because look hard enough and there are others too. Keep your ‘mainstream’ friends, it’s the differences that make us interesting, but join groups and meet people.

If you’re a homebirther then this group is the one for you.

Breastfeeding? Check out your local ABA group.

Feel free to shout out on my Facebook page who you are and where you’re from, I’ll repost and hook you up with some new friends.

Don’t worry hippie mums, other hippy mums are out there .

A little bit of everything today

I get migraines, bad ones. I have done since my first migraine following my epidural after my daughter was born and then every period since. It’s debilitating and renders me virtually unable to parent my children 3 days out of every month.

I usually take panadol or nurofen or a combination of both. A cold pack on the back of my neck and my forehead while lying in a dark room also helps.

Sleep is best, undisturbed sleep in a cool dark room.

I have two toddlers and a partner who works inflexible hours, I can’t just spend 3 days in bed so I’ve been suffering through.

I read in Prescription for Natural Cures by James Balch, Mark Stengler and Robin Balch that there are some things that can help.

Avoiding caffeine is one, I’m slowly cutting that out. I had a cup of coffee yesterday afternoon and couldn’t fall asleep until about 10pm.

Taking calcium, magnesium, and omega 3 is another suggestion, so I’m now doing that.

I’m on the look out for a practitioner of TCM in Townsville, preferably someone who practices acupuncture.

I’ve seen GPs who have told me that there is nothing physically wrong with me so just take panadol and nurofen and rest. That would be fine it the headaches were a one off but they’re not. I’m over living my life like this 3 days a month, it’s time to take charge of my own healthcare.

Someone said of me lately that naturopathy isn’t a profession and that it’s a load of quackery. Well, I think that’s a bit much. Perhaps doctors don’t want to believe that natural therapies have merit because it goes at odds with what they believe while naturopaths believe that all medical systems have a place and a purpose.

I write my blog posts on an iPhone, generally I do so while breastfeeding my son. Typos happen and to the grammarphiles I apologize if I offend with my spelling mistakes and awkward autocorrections.

As for my education, well I finished high school with good marks and was accepted to university to do a Bachelor of Education (Special Education) which I enjoyed and did for a year. But being behind a desk was not for me, so I deferred and eventually quit and joined the workforce.

I worked at Hungry Jacks. Then at Storm Financial as a receptionist before joining the Navy in 2007. I joined as an officer and completed the New Entry Officer Course all the way up to the field phase, but being an officer was not for me and I changed over to be a sailor. From there I went on to complete my Certificate II in Kitchen Operations through the Australian Defence Force School of Catering.

I posted to HMAS Kuttabul and did a little time at sea. Then I got married. Then I had a baby. Left the Navy. Had another baby. Moved to Townsville and survived having 2 under 2. Now I’m studying via distance education through the Australian Institute of Applied Sciences. I’m studying an Advanced Diploma of Naturopathy, at the moment I’m studying Nutrition 1 and Naturopathic Philosophy.

I have 2×1,000 word essays, 2x nutritional assessments and 2×2 hour short answer exams. It’s not an easy course but I am enjoying the challenge.

This blog is not something I get paid to do, it’s not a scientific debate of statistics and data, and it’s not ever a replacement for quality advice from trained medical professionals. I do not pretend to be a midwife or a doctor. I’m just a woman, wife and mother who believes that we all deserve choices. We should all have the right to decide what advice we follow and what advice we go against, no matter who that advice comes from.

I believe in a woman’s right to have an abortion, not because it’s something I would do but because the decision to carry and birth a baby is one that can only be made by that woman and no one should ever be forced to birth a baby they don’t want or can’t care for. No woman should endure the trauma of gestating their rapists baby.

I believe Homebirth should remain legal. Not because I believe hospital births are ‘bad’ but because I believe that the decisions regarding where and how a mother births are hers to make alone. Doctors and midwives can give advice and should give women all the facts but the decision should be make by the mother. Even if the medical professional believes it is the wrong decision it is not theirs to make. And don’t screw with the statistics, if we believe that condoms working 99.8% of the time is a good success rate and that this makes them an acceptable form contraception and a reliable one at that. Then considering that in 2007 99.7% of babies born at home in Australia (I’m Australian, I use Australian statistics ) were live born, wouldn’t that indicate that it’s a pretty reliable way to give birth?

I believe in attachment parenting, not because I think it’s the only way but because it is what works best for me and my family. I believe just like with medicine there are alternatives to the sometimes harsh methods we’re otherwise told to use. Call it a holistic way of parenting. Spanking for example looks only at fixing the problem at hand without worry of possible negative problems, gentle guidance looks at the child as a whole and works with them through each temper tantrum and episode of misbehavior, it works on them as a person not just on single behaviors.

Anyway, that’s my bit for the day. I get migraines, doing some ‘hippy stuff’ to try and make them easier to live with, I’ve got a pretty good education and working on getting a better one, I believe in abortion and homebirth and attachment parenting.

Fed Up with Dr Amy

First my baby’s birth was attended by an OB. I went the private hospital route, as I was in the military it was the done thing. I had the choice of two OBs and after asking around the other women in my workplace and doing a quick google I made my choice.

His name is Dr Vijay Roach and we were incredibly happy in his care. From start to finish I don’t have a single complaint. He was supportive, friendly, easy going, and always left the decisions up to me and my husband. During my stay in hospital afterwards he came and spoke to me, knowing my birth was different to the natural birth plan I had come in with, wanting to make sure that I was okay with it all. Not once did he say the “healthy baby” line.

A few weeks later I saw him for my 6 week check up, I was struggling with post natal depression in light of my daughters failed breastfeeding relationship and silent reflux. Again I was met with great support. I found out that he was the chairman for the Gidget foundation.

When birthing in hospital the OB isn’t always there, but if you’re in the care of a good one it can be comforting to know that they’re just there. Mine was only an elevator ride away my entire labour.

Now my mindset has changed since my first birth and I am for all intensive purposes what one would call a “natural childbirth advocate” but I have to say if on the day I googled my OBs name if I had of found him in a group called “Fed Up With Natural Childbirth” I would have dropped him.

If I had of found him debating to make women’s choices illegal, I would have dropped him.

If I’d read him being dismissive of women’s trauma I would have dropped him.

That’s what Dr Amy and her cronies do.

Dr Amy aka the Skeptical OB, who by the way retired as an OBGYN over a decade ago, seems to pop up whenever the words home birth are uttered. And she adds no value to either argument.

Spewing the same tired statistics and the same hate directed at the same people, she does just dislike homebirths she seems to be at war with anyone who has ever had one.

Of women’s trauma she blames their high expectations, of their disappointment at not achieving a natural birth she states the healthy baby line.

She accuses women of lying or telling half truths when they don’t agree with her obvious agenda.

She’s even against natural birth in a hospital setting.

Look, I don’t have time to go trawling the internet for evidence against Dr Amy, because unlike an out of work OBGYN, as a full time stay at home mum and full time student naturopath I’ve actually got stuff to do. But from my time on the Internet I know enough of her to know I don’t like her.

I don’t like googling a friends name to find said friends blog only to pull up hate.

How does it feel carrying around all that negativity every day? All that hate?

I’d also like Dr Amy and her cronies to stop treating Australia like some third world country. Our health care system is head and shoulders above yours. Not to mention it’s publicly funded. Also remember that US stats only apply to the US and not here. That goes for midwife training. We don’t have CPMs or COMs or whatever here. Just midwives.

Here is Amy Tuteur at her best.

Seriously Amy, you’ve retired and birth has changed, let it go and move on.

And OBs who are still working but are associating yourselves with her, don’t. As a potential patient there is nothing more off putting then an OB who is that against natural birth.

ETA – it’s come to my attention that Dr Amy herself has posted a link to this blog post on her Facebook page for comments rather then commenting here herself. How mature of you. Guess you’ve proved everything I’ve ever thought of you in one simple hit of a share button.

As for the woman who laughed about me being a student naturopath, feel good to make fun of someone’s chosen profession?

Ban the hospital birth!

Did you know that all homebirthers want hospital births banned?

Did you know anyone who has had a Homebirth will hate you it you have a csection?

Did you know that freebirthers hate midwives and they think that every OB is the devil incarnate?

That must be why my blessingway in hospital was attended by homebirthers, who then supported me before, during and after my planned csection.

My birth attendant had given birth to two babies at home! Fancy that. She’s actually the person I here the line “homebirthers hate hospital birthers” most often about. And it’s shit.

There is no home vs hospital birth war going on between mothers. Homebirthers just want their choice to be viewed as a valid one.

Homebirthers don’t birth at home for the candles and meditation music, they do so because they believe it is the best and safest place to have their baby. That’s it. So stop telling women giving birth at home that they’re being selfish, they’re not! They’re just making a different choice.

And hospital birthers are not mindless drones just doing whatever their doctor or midwife tells them to do.

Women should be informed of the risks and benefits of all birthing options, they should have choice, and consent should be sought for all procedures done in hospitals to birthing women and the motherbaby.

Right. Done. End of story

Now I ask you all a favor.

A very good friend of mine has fallen on tough times and needs support. Janet Fraser is a wonderful woman who tragically lost her baby. If that wasn’t enough she is now going through a coronial inquest which is costing her a great deal of money.

I ask that you go to her blog and if you can spare ANY money then donate it. Even if it’s only a few dollars, every little bit counts. Any donation $200, $20 or $2 all adds up.

Please consider donating to this very worthy cause.

What’s with all the horror stories?

While I was pregnant with my second child I started reading up on ways to ‘transition’ her from being an only child to a big sister. I read about what to do in hospital, how to deal with negative reactions to the baby, how to prepare the toddler – books to read, dolls to buy, games to play, the whole lot.

Then a huge spanner was thrown in the works and at 27 weeks I went on bed rest. At 35 weeks my son was born. And two days after that my daughter met him through the plastic humicrib.

“BABY!” she squealed with absolute delight, pointing, waving and smiling. She was so excited to meet him.

We brought him home from hospital and every time she saw him again she would squeal “BABY!”

This continued for months, after every nap and every morning she would squeal with delight when she saw him or even heard him chattering away in the other room.

14 months later, just this very morning, I heard that my daughter had woken up so I left the baby in the toy room to play so I could help my daughter to the potty. As soon as she heard him chattering away she squealed “BABY!” and ran out of the room to look for him.

Now I bet you’re wondering what the point of this is, despite being a nice story, the point is this – lots of people were more then willing to tell me their horror stories, toddlers that didn’t adjust to the new baby, toddlers that hit the baby, toddlers who even hated the baby, and that was their experience and that’s okay, but sometimes it would be helpful to hear some positive stories.

It’s the same across all the parenting ‘fields’ though isn’t it? The birth that went horribly wrong, the woman who couldn’t breastfeed and almost starved her baby trying, the baby that died co-sleeping, the baby who didn’t sleep through the night until he was 5 years old, and I could go on and on giving examples.

Don’t keep breastfeeding because I know someone who couldn’t wean until her son was 5 so it’s better to wean before they get too old for it. Don’t co-sleep, I know someone who knows someone who rolled into their baby and the baby died! You better make sure you get your daughter ready for the new baby, my friends toddler had to be separated from the baby because she kept hitting the poor little dear.

The first thing you need to remember is that this sort of advice will always be dished out, particularly by busy bodies with nothing better to do with their time. Take it with a grain of salt, do they really know ‘that person’ or are they just saying it to try and sway your parenting decisions?

And if you’re giving advice stop and think, is that respectful or helpful, is it better to say nothing at all?

Don’t believe all the horror stories, birth isn’t always like its portrayed in the movies, breastfeeding isn’t always difficult, and some siblings do get along, even when they’re both babies.

Under Pressure

I often hear that from the second you fall pregnant well meaning friends and family are offering you all sorts of advice; good, bad, helpful, upsetting, condecending and sometimes just plain weird.

I must have had a big sign on my head that said “don’t talk to me about this baby” because very few people offered me any sort of advice. I had a lovely boss, we shared an office, he would always make sure I had the comfortable chair, there was cold water in the fridge, I only had to write an appointment with my OB up on the white board and I had the day off, it was a great environment to work in. He would often talk about the things his 3 year old son was up to and would add at the end, “it’s all ahead of you, so much to look forward to.” And nothing he said was negative, it was about his son’s favourite book or song or what they got up to on the weekend. I was blessed, there were no horror stories about colicky newborns or tantruming toddlers, just a dad who loved his son and wanted to tell the world.

Then I went on maternity leave. My friend had a big baby, she said she’d begged for drugs but they wouldn’t give them to her, she said she’d screamed that the baby was stuck, but they wouldn’t listen until after hours of pushing it was apparent the baby was stuck. She got an infection from the hospital.

I was scared witless. And that fear carried over into my daughter’s birth. I was scared I couldn’t cope with the migraine any longer (after 2 weeks of vommiting and blurry vision) so I opted for an induction at 39+5. I was scared I couldn’t cope with the contractions anymore so I opted for an epidural after just 4 hours. And then after her birth I was scared that her unsettled crying was due to my poor milk supply so I opted for formula the moment it was suggested at her 2 week check up.

Now I look back at the day she was born as one of the best of my life. But I can see room for improvement.

As mothers we are constantly under pressure. Pressure from ourselves, pressure from our partners, our parents, our in laws, our extended families, our friends, our doctors. Is she feeding well? Does she always cry this much? Why isn’t she sleeping through already? Keep doing that and you’ll spoil her rotten.

I was incredibly blessed with the mothers group I found myself in after my daughters birth. They were kind, loving, accepting women who supported me in every decision I made. I was sad to leave them behind when we moved.

It is a shame they aren’t all like that.

We are our own harshest critics. Mothers don’t need anymore criticism of their parenting choices. We’re the first to say that we failed, that we get it right or that we should have done better. What we need are people who support us, acknowledge that we’re doing our very best but also don’t sugar coat the facts.

For example someone once told me that “well I formula fed my baby and he’s totally fine so I reckon it’s just as good, your baby will be fine too.” I found it so dismissive. Someone else said to me, “I’m sorry you weren’t supported in breastfeeding your daughter but you did the best you could.”

This article came up on my news feed this morning. It annoyed me. It reinforces the idea that if you’re struggling with breastfeeding just give it up, don’t look for support or for help, besides font you want dad and grandma to bond with baby too?

Dad and grandma can bond with baby by bathing, cuddling, talking to, and settling baby. Feeding isn’t the only way.

Perhaps if there wasn’t as much pressure to keep the house clean, the husband happy and the baby constantly content breastfeeding wouldn’t be a big deal. If we valued that precious newborn time and weren’t forcing women to get back to it quick smart. If we valued the role of the stay at home mum.

The expectations need to go. We’ll get back to the tidy house one day, our relationship will survive as long as both parties understand the changes that happen when a baby comes along and normal newborn behaviour is recognized, a fussy day doesn’t mean bad milk.

And people kept their horror stories to themselves!

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Accepting that I took a risk

Often I’ll read something and it will point out the downsides of decisions I’ve made as a parent.

This use to really upset me.

Just yesterday I was ready about co-sleeping, SIDS and breastfeeding. Now one of the benefits of breastfeeding is a lower rate of SIDS. This isn’t a benefit. Breastfeeding is the biological norm, so the lower rate of SIDS should in fact be the baseline and formula feeding would increase the risk. So by formula feeding my first baby I increased the risk of SIDS.

Now if someone had told me this when she was a baby I would have heard it as a personal attack. I was doing the best I could, I couldn’t change the fact that she was formula fed once I started, how dare someone insinuate I was risking my baby’s life.

It was when she was around 8 months old and we were thinking about a second baby it dawned on me. Statistics are not about making mothers feel bad. Not in the slightest. They’re a warning to those who are making decisions about feeding methods.

Perhaps if on the can of formula it had said that by giving my infant a bottle I was risking – SIDS, obesity, diabetes, allergies, childhood cancers etc. Perhaps if it had said that babies who were formula fed were hospitalized more then the breast fed counterparts. If I had of been told the real risks I would have fought harder to breastfeed. I really truly believed that formula was just as good.

Now we got lucky and my daughter was never sick as a baby and so far so good. But studying naturopathy and beginning with nutrition, I’ve once again had to accept that the decisions I made when she was a baby could have long lasting impacts and I have to accept that and own those choices. I don’t feel guilt, or anger, or sadness anymore, but I do accept my choices.

I read this article yesterday. My son was born at 35 weeks. It was life or death. If I haemoraged for an 8th time we may not have survived. But I still worry for his future. I don’t feel guilty about making the choice to deliver, however I accept the risks and going forward I watch for signs that he is struggling and will find him help if he needs it. So far so good.

It’s important to talk about risks vs benefits when we are making decisions, not to make anyone feel bad but to make sure their decisions are informed.

Because knowledge is power, and if we all have as much information about a choice as we can possibly get then ultimately the decision we make will be the absolute best for ourselves, our children and our situation. Sometimes that means doing what we need to do instead of what we want to do like waiting instead of inducing or cutting out caffeine instead of switching to formula.

But with all the information your decision will be one that is informed.

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