What to do before you’re a parent

I remember when I was pregnant with my first baby being bombarded with these lists of baby essentials that I just had to have.  Every list had different ideas on what was essential, and wanting to be the best mother and believing I needed all this “stuff” I bought it all.

And some of it was very handy.  She loved her bouncer and her play mat.  The pram and carrier got plenty of use.  Wraps, clothes, and when she switched to formula the bottles and the steriliser.  The highchair also got use when she began solids.  But the baby bath sat in the box, the mountain of toys went untouched until after her first birthday, fancy outfits with frills and bows were left in favour of onesies and simple shirts and shorts.

Then our second came along.  He wore lovely hand me down clothes, his bouncer, highchair, cot, pram and carrier were all first used by his sister, we bought a couple of special things but it was all pretty minimal.  And you know what?

He’s not emotionally scarred by the experience.  He isn’t begging for new outfits or disappointed that his sheets had first been slept in.

To be frank it is kind of nice when I see my so wearing a tshirt that my daughter once wore.

Truth is our babies don’t need stuff.  All babies need is something to wear, nappies of some description, somewhere to sleep (your bed is fine provided you do it safely), breastmilk or formula, and a car seat if you plan on travelling by car.

That’s it.

No bells and whistles, no toys for the first few months, a pram isn’t even an essential, a good baby carrier will do and your arms are up to the task I’m sure.  Newborns only weigh a couple of kilo.  Hand me down clothes are great.

Point is I see many parents to be sweating the small stuff and ignoring the truly important issues that need to be raised before baby is born.

The going home outfit, which colour BJCS covers, which automatic swing, which brand bottles or which baby announcement cards you’ll use are these conversations, and every single couple expecting a baby should have them -

Where will this baby be born?

Who will be there?

How will this baby be fed?

Where will this baby sleep?

What are your feelings on sleep training?  If you don’t know what it is and what it’s about, read about it.  Discuss it.

What are your views on discipline?

What will be the division of household chores once this baby has arrived?

Because there is no point discussing this 6 weeks postpartum when the house is a dump, you feel awful and your partner is calling out from over the top of the x-box “just give him a bottle babe!”

It’s important to have these conversations long before you really need to have them.  Then everyone is on the same page.

The last one is probably the most important.

What will be the division of household chores once this baby has arrived?

 

The most important thing to remember is that you’re in this together.  Forever.  And even if you are a stay at home mother you’re both responsible for the care of this baby.

 

Looks it’s pretty simple stuff, instead of looking at lists of things you absolutely must buy no questions asked or else you are a terrible mother, look at how you are going to raise this child.  How are you going to parent?

After all humans have been doing this for a long time now and long before the invention of all the fancy gadgets and must-haves we are now led to believe are essential to parenting.  It’s all about marketing.  They see vulnerable women wanting to make the best choices for their unborn child and play to it.  All you need is a loving heart and to be flexible while at the same time you need to have expectation laid down between you and your support people so that when it comes to crunch time everyone already knows what they need to do.

Attachment Parents Are The Best Parents

You heard it here, right from the horses mouth, Attachment Parents are the best and all other styles of parenting are negligent.

That’s right if you don’t subscribe to the AP way then you may as well leave your children in the woods to be raised by wild animals because they would do a far superior job.  If you bottle feed, sleep your baby in a cot, have a routine, feed your child puree, let them watch television before their 2nd birthday, send them to mainstream school or vaccinate you are truly a monster not worthy of being a mother.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  You are awful!  Your children will grow up to be detached emotionless criminals filling up our prisons and terrorizing our aging population.

I’m not serious.  I don’t believe that.  In fact many of the things listed I’ve done or plan to do in the future.  But just think.

How many times has it been said that attachment parenting creates unhealthy connections between mothers and babies, or spoils children, destorys marriages, elevates children to the position of parent, doesn’t give children the discipline or routine they need, is permissive.  Is wrong?

And that is seen as a normal critique of parental choices, yet on the flip side if you dare even think that a mother may not have her babies best interests at heart when she opens a copy of Tizzie Hall’s latest ‘book’ then you are JUDGING ME!

Let’s look at this seriously.  It’s okay to call anyone who has had a birth plan a Birthzilla but if you question the author on her choice to sleep train her infants you are a hater.  Truly, just ask about the Gift of Sleep in a less then complimentary fashion on Mia Freedman’s twitter, facebook or mamamia website, or the Gift of Sleep’s facebook and count the seconds before your comments are deleted and you are blocked.  In fact comments on the blog posts about The Gift of Sleep on Mamamia are totally blocked.  Apparently Mia Freedman is free to bash homebirthing women, anti-vaxxers, breastfeeding women and attachment parents but can’t take a hint of criticism herself.

And how many times have we been told that we’re creating a rod for our own back?  That our babies will never be off the breast.  That they will be in our bed FOREVER.  That this is our future

And we should be very very afraid.

Honestly, I’m not concnerned, if DS is still wanting a boob when he’s a grown man it certainly won’t be mine he’s chasing.

But seriously, why is it okay to say negative and horrible things to women choosing the attachment method of parenting but when they even casually question a more mainstream approach it is seen as judgement.  I have had nasty horrible things said to me especially regarding the apparent sexual nature of breastfeeding but when I simply stated “but isn’t a bottle just an imitation nipple” I was said to be mean, nasty, judging, it’s not my fault I couldn’t breastfeed, stop acting so superior.

Ho-Hum.

All I’m asking is this.  If you’re going to make broad sweeping statements about my parenting then be prepared to hear a few about yours.  I’m not going to lie down and take false accusations of stunting my childs development, or underhanded comments about the future of my marriage with a smile and a nod.  No way no how.  No.  I’m not that sort of woman.

Not when I have chosen my methods based on what is best for my child not always what is easiest or most convienent.  I don’t subscribe to the “happy mum happy baby” line to justify every decision that may have negative consequences.  I don’t believe this is a stage of my children’s life to simply be endured but a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Emotional stability comes from having a strong framework to begin with.

If you find my way of parenting confronting or if it makes you uncomfortable well I don’t apologize because quite frankly how other people (other then my children and husband) feel about how I run my house does not matter to me.  Yes I take into consideration the opinions of family, their opinions matter to me and I value them.  Random other mother, hate to break it to you but I don’t care if you think that I ruined my baby by “letting” him sleep in my bed, you don’t want to know what I think of your choice to stop breastfeeding at 8 weeks so you could go party with your girlfriends and leave the baby with your husband as per usual.

Spite?  Little bit.  I’m tired of defending my choices to people who judge in one breath and claim judgement in another.  We all judge, a lot.  It’s how we make choices about what is best for us.  Perhaps some people should take a look at what they’re about to say before they say it and ask themselves, am I adding to the conversation in a constructive way or am I pushing that person away with my ill-informed opinions?

I need more time!

Have you ever heard someone say, I’ll do it when I have more time?  Or that they need to make time for something?

Unless this person is in the business of making clocks, or owns a 1981 DeLorean DMC-12, there is no time to be made or created and no way of getting back lost time.  That’s right you will only ever have 24 hours in the day, you can’t stuff in a couple of extra to get more done.  Not going to happen.  There’s also no way, yet, of going back in time.  We don’t get a do-over.  This is it.

So why do so many people say they’ll do things when they have more time?  Laziness?  Reluctance?  Not wanting to say an outright no?  Belief that one day they really will have more time?

Last year someone offered me a wonderful opportunity, but it sounded like a lot of work and effort and I honestly could not see how it would fit around what I believed was a jam packed schedule.  In short, I said I didn’t have the time and maybe when I had more time I would be able to fit it in.

I did have the time.  I had 24 hours at my disposal every single day.  I wasn’t managing my time very well at all.  Yes I had a newborn and a toddler.  Yes we had playgroup once a fortnight during school terms.  Yes my husband worked away.  No I didn’t drive.

But that was it.  I thought I was really very busy.  No time for anything extra what so ever.

Now I study full time from home, have an 18 month old and a 3 year old, go to 2 playgroups on alternating fortnights, go to the gym minimum 3 times a week, run my own fledgling business (which as anyone who has been in business would know takes a lot of time and effort in the building days), my husband still works away with the Army, I’m in the process of reenlisting myself as a reservist, and I now drive.

I am now the busiest I have ever been in my entire life!

And yet I feel like I have the time to do all of this, and more.  We still fit in playdates and random trips to the muesum or the aquarium, we fit in trips to the bank, post office and supermarket, dropping off and picking up new books from the library.  We have more time with friends, less time at home in front of the television, more real life experiences for them.  And more happening for me.  I feel free, truly.  Not bound to the house and not restricted to what we have here for entertainment.  I get a sense of fulfillment and ackomplishment at the end of a busy day.  And any day not spent cleaning is a win in my books.

I know it’s not the politically correct thing to say as a mother, especially as one who subscribes to the attachment parenting philosophy, but I wasn’t content as a literal stay at home parent.  I love my children with every fibre of my being however being home every minute of every day and only leaving the house when my husband was able to take us somewhere felt so restricted, shackled almost.

I’ve also become very aware that the only time we have is now.  This is it.  Life is not a dress rehersal.  And whether you believe in an after life or not, in these mortal bodies in this place the only time we have is now.

The past is done.  Forgive if you have to, learn the lesson and move on.  You cannot change it, alter it, go back and re-do it.  It is what it is, accept it and move on.

The future is yet to happen.  Plan it, dream about it, visualise what you want from it.  Take a moment to live in your dreams.  If you could have anything for yourself and your family, money being no barrier, what would it be?  I do this often.  Sometimes intentionally, sometimes on purpose I sit down and dream and visualise what will be in 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years.  That is fun!  With no limits and no barriers our future looks pretty darn good.

Sometimes it’s not intentional, or not for fun, sometimes picturing what might be gets me through a particularly difficult minute, hour, day.  You know the one.  Where the kids are melting down, making mess, tantruming, fighting with each other, you sit down on the floor, close the door and think, if I stay in here 5 minutes longer maybe they won’t figure out where I am and I can have a moments peace.  And it’s always at that very moment that they find you.  Take a deep breath.

Sometimes saying this too shall pass helps.  Sometimes it is better to imagine what it will look like when this passes.

In 1 year, these children will be 1 year older.  What will they be able to do?  How tall will they be?  How long will their hair be?  Will that baby be able to start vocalising what they need instead of just yelling at you?  Will that baby be feeding shorter and less frequently giving you more space and bodily autonomy?  Will that 18 month old be sleeping through the night?  (That last one is for me)

Are these problems really that big of a deal?

Is waking once overnight really such a huge problem or is it a problem because other people outside the home think it should be?  (Again, that one is for me)

Once this time is over it is over.  Never again will my daughter be 3 years and 5 days old, nor will me son be 18 months and 1 day old again.  This is it.  That cute thing he did just then reading me a book in gibberish, he won’t do that in 5, 10, 15 years time.  Yet in 5, 10, 15 years time I will have plenty of time to work full time or bum around on Facebook.

The things I’m missing now I can never get back, but the things I’m missing them for I can probably do later.

It is all about time management.

Unfortunately mums, you do have to manage your time well.  This doesn’t mean scheduled naps or feeds.  I have never subscribed to that.  But my 18 month old has naps at other peoples houses, in the car, in the pram.  It doesn’t always have to be at home in bed.

It’s all about making choices with what to do with your time.  You can always chose not to watch television.  I work and study at night.  The television is on in the background but mostly for background noise.

Look you can have it all if you want it.  Or none of it if you don’t.  You can live a life of regrets or a life with none.  You can spend your days doing things you enjoy with people you love.  Or you can coast by.  And you can do that while working or not.  You can be a stay at home mum and spend no quality time with your children, or a working mum who spends hours of quality time with their family.

Life is not about achieving a balance!

I know it goes against everything we’re told, we need to find the work/home balance.  Finding a balance means managing your life, micromanaging even.  You spend so much time trying to achieve balance that you don’t spend time enjoying what you’re doing.  So if you work more then you’re at home and you enjoy what you do and the time spent with your family is quality time – GREAT!  You’ve done it!  If you hate your job and spend your time at home stressing about work and not enjoying your family, change it.  If you are unhappy at home, go out.  If you’re spending more time online then you are with your children TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND PUT DOWN THE PHONE!

And if you think you can’t then you won’t, if you think you can you will find a way.

Don’t stick to where you’re comfortable.  No change happens in your comfort zone.

Do something different, new and exciting – today!

STFU, 60 Minutes

So, what exactly was the point of the Attachment Parenting piece on 60 minutes?  It certainly wasn’t to inform mothers that there is an alternative to spanking, cry-it-out, routine feeding and scheduled nap times.  It seems to have been another piece of suedo journalism with the intent to tell women and more specifically mothers how wrong they are.

That’s right, those naughty hippies ignoring the advice of generations of mothers gone before them in an attempt to follow a fad style of parenting.

Well as an attachment parent I’m going to clear up some little inaccuracies from the On Demand segement of 60 Minutes.

Attachment Parents give in to every demand of their children.

No, we don’t.  I often tell my children that they can’t do something, have something, behave in a certain way.  It’s not okay to hit others, throw an hour long tantrum because I said we were coming home and you wanted to stay, I’m not going to sit and breastfeed for hours and hours, we don’t snatch, and the 3 year old must use her words.  Pretty simple stuff really.  My 3 year old could ask for cake half an hour before dinner time, doesn’t mean I’m going to give it to her.  My 18 month old might simply be going boob to boob, side to side, they’re empty, you’re finished.  Time to hop off.

Which brings me to my next point…

Attachment parenting is a checklist that must be followed to the letter

I considered myself an attachment parent long before I was a breastfeeder.  My first child was weaned well before her 6 week check up.  She only co-slept with us for 4 months before she stopped settling in our bed so went to her own sleeping space.  I considered myself an attachment parent because I responded to the needs of my baby in a empathetic and respectful way.  It had nothing to do with how and where she was born, how she was fed, where she slept, what toys she played with, and everything to do with the intent behind everything that was done.  You can be an attachment parent who bottlefeeds, sleeps their baby in a cot, pushes a pram and has elective csections.  Again, not a checklist, a philosophy.

Attachment Parents look down on mothers who don’t follow the philosophy

That’s right, all APers are snooty do-gooders who think everyone else is wrong wrong wrong.

What a load.  I’ve never met these women with these aparent superiority complexes.  I’ve never sat in a circle discussing how women who use controlled crying are the devil and must be “dealth with.”  I have however had to defend my parenting choices to others, sometimes to people I always thought would have my back, I know many other women who make similar choices have to regularly do the same.  Maybe this is misinterpretted.  The truth is that there is evidence against controlled crying.  Presenting that evidence is not the same as calling someone a bad parent or intentionally making someone feel bad.  The only person who can make someone feel guilty is themselves.  I’m really tired of having to defend my mothering choices while at the same time being called horrible things for asking questions of the parenting methods of others.  If you’re not prepared to defend your choices then don’t put me in a position where I have to defend mine.

Attachment Parents are agressive about their parenting choices

I think you missed the point about it being a gentle style of parenting.

Attachment Parents put their relationships with children before their partners and marriages

No.  Not true at all.  That’s why there are many APers who are tandem feeding.

But you co-sleep, how do you “do it?”

There are other places other then a bed to make babies.  If you’re only doing it in bed well, doesn’t that get a bit boring?

Attachment Parenting is a concious decision

Not always, I had no idea it was called that until long after I was already doing it.  I figured I was just parenting.

Attachment Parents meet in little groups and bitch about mainstream parents

No, we mostly just talk about organic food co-ops, Thermomix recipes and compare wraps and structured carriers.

The 60 Minutes piece was so condecending.  I wish the Australian media would stop adding fuel to the fire that women use to flame each other.  How about this, we are all given a free pass to discuss our methods of parenting without judging each other (remember studies that don’t involve your child are not a judgement against you) because topics like controlled crying should be discussed so women can see both sides of the coin.  But please, 60 Minutes, don’t pit ourselves against each other, that’s what we have parenting forums for.

Dad’s are not babysitters

These are crayons

They’re made by taking little bits of broken crayon and putting them in a silicon tray and then melting them in the microwave on high for about 5 minutes. You can also melt them in the oven.

But I didn’t make them, my husband did.

Over the weekend he has cooked, cleaned, fed children, gotten up with them in the morning, cared for them while I did other jobs, bathed them, put them to bed. You know, parented them.

I get sick of hearing about dads who don’t parent their children. Dads who don’t do their share of the work in the home.

Now I get that stay at home parents are at home more and will do more of the work when they’re actually home, but when you have two adults at home why should one be working while the other lounges around relaxing. If both adults did the work then it would be done sooner and everyone could relax.

You know, one in all in.

Now I don’t expect my husband to come home from a 16 hour day and then clean the house top to bottom, but if I’m folding the laundry then we do it together, then it gets done quicker. One person washes the dishes and the others wipes them up. Sometimes one person watches the children while the other mows the lawn or weeds the garden.

It’s not babysitting when a father watches his child and he’s not doing his partner a special favor. On the weekend I have an exam (first one of my course, I’m a tad nervous actually) and my husband will be watching the toddlers, he isn’t doing me a favor, he’s just parenting. When one parent is unable to look after the children the other just takes up the slack.

Does he do everything how I would? No. Does that matter? No.

Haven’t we moved passed the parenting as women’s work era? As a feminist I believe that parenting is a job shared equally between the sexes. I can change a nappy as good as my husband can, he can read a bedtime story just as well as I can.

I don’t buy the line of not being able to or not knowing how. Why are men getting to adulthood and not knowing how to cook a meal, iron a shirt, mop a floor, clean a toilet, or make their own lunch. Seriously, how do these men survive single life? These are life skills I’ll be teaching my son and daughter.

As for not knowing how to parent, how to change a nappy, settle or burp a baby, bath a baby. News flash, most first time mums know about as much as first time dads. We’re learning on the fly, we’re making it up as we go along! When I had my first the only other newborns I could remember holding were my siblings (the youngest being 16 when my daughter was born) and my cousin (who was 4 when my daughter was born). That was it. I had studied early childhood practices at high school but that was 5 years earlier. I had no clue what I was doing!. I didn’t research passed birthing this baby and so when she was in our arms we were stumped. And we made it up as we went along following our instincts and I think we did a pretty good job.

Baby number 1 – 30 minutes old

Then 18 months after our first baby was born baby number 2 came along and as shocking as it sounds he wasn’t a carbon copy of his sister. Once again I had to learn, grow and change. The transition from one to two was harder then having just one. I had to learn all about this little person, figure out breastfeeding which I didn’t get right the first time and keep the toddler happy and on track. Hubby would stumble in from a 16 hour day to find me mid-witching hour. He would start cleaning and by the time he had done the dishes and kitchen the baby would be sleeping so I would pop him in his hammock while we tackled mouth Washmore. We had two in cloth nappies back then. By the time we finished that we’d stumble into bed only to be woken within the hour by a baby ready for a feed. Into our bed he’d go where he’d spend most of the night attached to the boob.

We worked as a team. It was a hard year for our relationship but no matter what was going on between us he never let up on his responsibilities as a father. I was never left doing more then my fair share.

Look I know some women like making their partner lunch or ironing their work uniforms or whatever and that’s great, that’s their choice. It should not be expected. And when women are struggling with parenting their biggest help and support should come from their baby’s father.

This goes for breastfed and bottlefed babies. And you don’t have to express to get someone to help you, there are plenty of things dad can do to help that don’t involve feeding. Bathing, nappy changes, settling, cuddling, playing with baby, taking baby for a walk or car ride, wearing baby.

Baby number 2 – 8 days old

It’s simple really, if you’re a man pull your weight, we know you work hard at your job but don’t forget we work hard at home raising your children. If we all pitch in we all get a chance to sit down for a break when it’s done.

If you’re a woman then tell him what you need done, if he doesn’t know what you need chances are he won’t do it. Avoid the angst and resentment, tell him straight – can you fold the laundry/get dinner started/hold the baby for a bit.

The perfect child

Did you know that all attachment parents have perfect children?

They have no sleep issues, all breastfeed with no problem, their toddlers are perfect angels with no behavioral problems, they’re all perfect angels and their parents never ever want to run away and join the circus.

Parents struggle the same no matter what style of parenting they subscribe too. Some of the most alternative attachment parents I know are also parents to the children with the most difficult sleep issues, ditto for so-called mainstreamers. I know mothers of children who have done baby led weaning from the first time solids hit their babies lips, they’ve never intentionally spoonfed their child who at 4 years of age wants their mum to spoonfeed them.

I know the most loving gentle mothers with children who have really difficult behaviours, ditto to mainstreamers.

I know attachment parents who bottlefeed, use expensive fancy prams, have elective csections just because they want to, use disposable nappies or think homeopathics are just snake oil.

On the flip side there are mainstream parents who breastfeed, use cloth nappies; I could go on and on.

Point is when someone says they’re an attachment parent please don’t assume they are having an easy ride of it. Please don’t go to their home expecting to be fed biodynamic organic raw vegan snacks. Please don’t expect them to wear Birkenstocks or shop at Tree of Life. When they say they’re looking for a career don’t assume it’s as a doula or reiki therapist.

Just because she doesn’t want to spank doesn’t mean you should automatically assume she went to an Occupy protest.

Truth is many of us attachment parents come to be on this path after weighing up all our options and choosing this one as best for us. I’ve heard it many times, I bought SOS or Babywise or someone bought me the book and I read it while pregnant and had every intention of following it… Until my baby was born and it just wasn’t for us so I did some more reading and I found attachment patenting.

Attachment parenting is kind of a spectrum, some are über crunchy, some of us are kind of crunchy, most of us fall somewhere in the middle. The great thing is we’re all on our own journey and not being ‘as crunchy’ as the next mama doesn’t mean we’ve failed or are coming up short, it just means we’ve tailored the attachment parenting style to meet the needs of our family.

So the next time you write someone’s opinion off regarding sleeping issues or feeding issues because they’re an attachment parent so their child must be perfect I urge you to remember this. Our children are not perfect and mothering them is not always easy, most attachment parents have done lots of reading about parenting because they want to be sure they’re doing the best for their children, sleeping and settling, feeding and disciplining any child can be a lot of work. So when I give my opinion on a sleep routine or feeding method do not assume I’m against it because my kids are so easy they’ve never needed it, I’ve just not chosen to go down that road because it’s not what I believe to be best for my children and I believe there is a better way for them.

Where did all the hippies go?

Sometimes it’s hard being the hippie. Sometimes you feel like the guy standing on the side of the road waving a poorly written sign proclaiming that the end is nigh.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Who knows. But I do know that often what I believe about health and wellbeing is so different from the mainstream views it sort of does make me look like a crazy person.

That because advertising claims, health ‘professionals’ and seemingly everyone we talk to believes on way it must be do.

And that thinking any different is well crazy.

Anyone who lives a so-called alternate lifestyle faces it at one point or another. That’s not what my doctor/mother/the packet/this opinion piece says so you must be wrong.

Sometimes it’s not even about wrong or right, it’s about not wanting to change. It’s easier to be ignorant to the truth or to just not care.

Attachment parents you know what I’m talking about. Homebirth, co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, homeschooling, baby led weaning, babywearing, gentle guidance, night time parenting.

Sometimes it doesn’t even matter how much evidence you have on your side you’re wrong.

There is mounting evidence that breastfeeding your toddler is good for them but don’t because it’s creepy or weird.

Or that coconut oil is good for you during pregnancy and while lactating… But that’s hippie crap, how the hell would you even cook with that, doesn’t it make all your food taste like coconut?

Let’s not even get into choosing to be chemical free, wait, let’s go there.

Lots and lots of chemicals are legal and are readily used in a range of products from beauty products to cleaning products, and they’re doing us damage. Why would cancer rates be 1 in 2,000 at the year 1900 and are now in 2012 believed to hit 1 in 2 in generation X’s life time? What’s changed? What we eat has changed, what we use to clean ourselves and our homes has changed, how we live, how we work, it’s all changed.

Now as most of my readers are also tree hugging hippies I know that you’ll understand what I’m talking about

We’re up against it. The EU have made herbal remedies harder to obtain removing consumer choice.. There are constant calls for natural medicine to be banned or restricted here in Australia. Vaccination is being linked to payments that had nothing to do with vaccination at all.

Effectively our choices are being stripped.

And as the majority of people go along with it and follow authority with blind trust, to question and to march to the beat of a different drum is to declare yourself a crazy hippy. It’s just like standing on the side of the road warning passers that the end is nigh.

And maybe it is, because most of what we warn about will decrease your health span. Sure you’ll live to 70 or 80 but what kind of a life? Will you be happy and healthy in old age or will there be degenerative disease?

And what about our kids?

So what are the crazy hippies doing?

Eating organic

Exercise
It’s not just for weight loss. Exercise is important for everyone for long term health. The longer you stay active the longer you’ll stay healthy. Walking a bit each day can be the difference between remaining independent or not in older age. So what do you do? Walk to the shops, ride a bike, dance, take up a team sport, it doesn’t have to be weights at the gym and it doesn’t even have to cost you anything. Yoga is great for the body and the mind.

Get rid of the craptastic chemicals
And if you want help knowing what is safe and what’s not then feel free to get in contact with me. On Facebook or email me – amandareimers@live.com.au

If you’re not sure then read about it.
Seriously, google is your friend. Read a whole bunch of opinions and chose for yourself. Doctors, nurses, naturopaths, nutritionists, they all put their own personal spin and opinions on their advice, if you are not sure then do your own research. Some professionals will say that it shouldn’t be up to parents to have to read labels and studies. I don’t agree. I think taking responsibility for our own health and the health of our children is of utmost importance. Health professionals should be empowering us and giving us the tools to make those choices.

Don’t be afraid to be different

Sometimes it may feel like you are the only person in the whole world who cares about labels, organics, processed and refined food, homeopathics, chiropractic care. While others think a massage is something of a nice treat you may be the only one believing that massage and touch are important healing tools. It’s okay, truly it is. Because look hard enough and there are others too. Keep your ‘mainstream’ friends, it’s the differences that make us interesting, but join groups and meet people.

If you’re a homebirther then this group is the one for you.

Breastfeeding? Check out your local ABA group.

Feel free to shout out on my Facebook page who you are and where you’re from, I’ll repost and hook you up with some new friends.

Don’t worry hippie mums, other hippy mums are out there .

Under Pressure

I often hear that from the second you fall pregnant well meaning friends and family are offering you all sorts of advice; good, bad, helpful, upsetting, condecending and sometimes just plain weird.

I must have had a big sign on my head that said “don’t talk to me about this baby” because very few people offered me any sort of advice. I had a lovely boss, we shared an office, he would always make sure I had the comfortable chair, there was cold water in the fridge, I only had to write an appointment with my OB up on the white board and I had the day off, it was a great environment to work in. He would often talk about the things his 3 year old son was up to and would add at the end, “it’s all ahead of you, so much to look forward to.” And nothing he said was negative, it was about his son’s favourite book or song or what they got up to on the weekend. I was blessed, there were no horror stories about colicky newborns or tantruming toddlers, just a dad who loved his son and wanted to tell the world.

Then I went on maternity leave. My friend had a big baby, she said she’d begged for drugs but they wouldn’t give them to her, she said she’d screamed that the baby was stuck, but they wouldn’t listen until after hours of pushing it was apparent the baby was stuck. She got an infection from the hospital.

I was scared witless. And that fear carried over into my daughter’s birth. I was scared I couldn’t cope with the migraine any longer (after 2 weeks of vommiting and blurry vision) so I opted for an induction at 39+5. I was scared I couldn’t cope with the contractions anymore so I opted for an epidural after just 4 hours. And then after her birth I was scared that her unsettled crying was due to my poor milk supply so I opted for formula the moment it was suggested at her 2 week check up.

Now I look back at the day she was born as one of the best of my life. But I can see room for improvement.

As mothers we are constantly under pressure. Pressure from ourselves, pressure from our partners, our parents, our in laws, our extended families, our friends, our doctors. Is she feeding well? Does she always cry this much? Why isn’t she sleeping through already? Keep doing that and you’ll spoil her rotten.

I was incredibly blessed with the mothers group I found myself in after my daughters birth. They were kind, loving, accepting women who supported me in every decision I made. I was sad to leave them behind when we moved.

It is a shame they aren’t all like that.

We are our own harshest critics. Mothers don’t need anymore criticism of their parenting choices. We’re the first to say that we failed, that we get it right or that we should have done better. What we need are people who support us, acknowledge that we’re doing our very best but also don’t sugar coat the facts.

For example someone once told me that “well I formula fed my baby and he’s totally fine so I reckon it’s just as good, your baby will be fine too.” I found it so dismissive. Someone else said to me, “I’m sorry you weren’t supported in breastfeeding your daughter but you did the best you could.”

This article came up on my news feed this morning. It annoyed me. It reinforces the idea that if you’re struggling with breastfeeding just give it up, don’t look for support or for help, besides font you want dad and grandma to bond with baby too?

Dad and grandma can bond with baby by bathing, cuddling, talking to, and settling baby. Feeding isn’t the only way.

Perhaps if there wasn’t as much pressure to keep the house clean, the husband happy and the baby constantly content breastfeeding wouldn’t be a big deal. If we valued that precious newborn time and weren’t forcing women to get back to it quick smart. If we valued the role of the stay at home mum.

The expectations need to go. We’ll get back to the tidy house one day, our relationship will survive as long as both parties understand the changes that happen when a baby comes along and normal newborn behaviour is recognized, a fussy day doesn’t mean bad milk.

And people kept their horror stories to themselves!

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Accepting that I took a risk

Often I’ll read something and it will point out the downsides of decisions I’ve made as a parent.

This use to really upset me.

Just yesterday I was ready about co-sleeping, SIDS and breastfeeding. Now one of the benefits of breastfeeding is a lower rate of SIDS. This isn’t a benefit. Breastfeeding is the biological norm, so the lower rate of SIDS should in fact be the baseline and formula feeding would increase the risk. So by formula feeding my first baby I increased the risk of SIDS.

Now if someone had told me this when she was a baby I would have heard it as a personal attack. I was doing the best I could, I couldn’t change the fact that she was formula fed once I started, how dare someone insinuate I was risking my baby’s life.

It was when she was around 8 months old and we were thinking about a second baby it dawned on me. Statistics are not about making mothers feel bad. Not in the slightest. They’re a warning to those who are making decisions about feeding methods.

Perhaps if on the can of formula it had said that by giving my infant a bottle I was risking – SIDS, obesity, diabetes, allergies, childhood cancers etc. Perhaps if it had said that babies who were formula fed were hospitalized more then the breast fed counterparts. If I had of been told the real risks I would have fought harder to breastfeed. I really truly believed that formula was just as good.

Now we got lucky and my daughter was never sick as a baby and so far so good. But studying naturopathy and beginning with nutrition, I’ve once again had to accept that the decisions I made when she was a baby could have long lasting impacts and I have to accept that and own those choices. I don’t feel guilt, or anger, or sadness anymore, but I do accept my choices.

I read this article yesterday. My son was born at 35 weeks. It was life or death. If I haemoraged for an 8th time we may not have survived. But I still worry for his future. I don’t feel guilty about making the choice to deliver, however I accept the risks and going forward I watch for signs that he is struggling and will find him help if he needs it. So far so good.

It’s important to talk about risks vs benefits when we are making decisions, not to make anyone feel bad but to make sure their decisions are informed.

Because knowledge is power, and if we all have as much information about a choice as we can possibly get then ultimately the decision we make will be the absolute best for ourselves, our children and our situation. Sometimes that means doing what we need to do instead of what we want to do like waiting instead of inducing or cutting out caffeine instead of switching to formula.

But with all the information your decision will be one that is informed.

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The Martyrs and the Mothers

Lots of mothers are really competitive about their parenting and some seem to always have it worse then everyone else.

Lots of women are martyrs.

They think it only fitting as mothers to give their absolute all to motherhood even to the sacrifice of their former self.

I know women who brag about having never used a babysitter because it is their duty to be with their children 24/7 and anything less is unacceptable. Or who no longer listen to their once favourite music because it’s inappropriate for children and therefore banned from her home.

I bet you’re picturing someone you know right this very second.

She spends so much time trying to look like the perfect parent she totally forgets who she use to be and loses all of her former interests and hobbies. And she judges anyone who doesn’t do the same.

Oh she has hobbies though, but they’re all child friendly. And she has just the right amount of one on one time with her partner to balance out the family time, usually she spends that time discussing the children.

I know someone like that, we use to go to heavy metal gigs together, she was wild, she was fun! She has children now and apparently mothers don’t listen to heavy metal, or go to gigs, or music festivals and only have appropriate hobbies like knitting, sewing and baking.

Holy smokes! I think I just woke up in the 1950s!

I like knitting and baking as much as the next crafty type. I am having a not so secret affair with my Thermomix and last night I was busy knitting a new dress for my daughter. And truth be told my children are rarely babysat.

But when one of my favourite bands comes to Australia for the first time in 7 years accompanied by the band my husband has been waiting to see since he was 13 you betcha we’re going!

And you know what it was refreshing, to go out and just have an awesome time. To spend some time with both my husband who I rarely see alone and my sister who I rarely see at all. To do something I enjoy. To go a whole day without breastfeeding, bum changing or tantrum taming. It was refreshing and recharging.

It was just what I needed and I do not feel guilty about it at all not even for a second. Even the most attached parents need a day off.

On the other end of the scale there are those parents who will always complain no matter what. Everything is just so damn hard.

Nothing comes from constant complaint. It just makes life seem even more difficult. I’ve learnt the hard way. When things seem that they will never get better that’s the time you stop whining about your problems and start asking for solutions or help.

I don’t want my children to grow up to think that everything in life is to be suffered through and that we have to sacrifice our who selves in order to be a good parent. Yes being a parent requires hard work and some sacrifice. But not an absolute sacrifice of self.

Don’t forget who you are. And although I’m mum to my kids that doesn’t mean I lose Amanda along the way.