The Martyrs and the Mothers

Lots of mothers are really competitive about their parenting and some seem to always have it worse then everyone else.

Lots of women are martyrs.

They think it only fitting as mothers to give their absolute all to motherhood even to the sacrifice of their former self.

I know women who brag about having never used a babysitter because it is their duty to be with their children 24/7 and anything less is unacceptable. Or who no longer listen to their once favourite music because it’s inappropriate for children and therefore banned from her home.

I bet you’re picturing someone you know right this very second.

She spends so much time trying to look like the perfect parent she totally forgets who she use to be and loses all of her former interests and hobbies. And she judges anyone who doesn’t do the same.

Oh she has hobbies though, but they’re all child friendly. And she has just the right amount of one on one time with her partner to balance out the family time, usually she spends that time discussing the children.

I know someone like that, we use to go to heavy metal gigs together, she was wild, she was fun! She has children now and apparently mothers don’t listen to heavy metal, or go to gigs, or music festivals and only have appropriate hobbies like knitting, sewing and baking.

Holy smokes! I think I just woke up in the 1950s!

I like knitting and baking as much as the next crafty type. I am having a not so secret affair with my Thermomix and last night I was busy knitting a new dress for my daughter. And truth be told my children are rarely babysat.

But when one of my favourite bands comes to Australia for the first time in 7 years accompanied by the band my husband has been waiting to see since he was 13 you betcha we’re going!

And you know what it was refreshing, to go out and just have an awesome time. To spend some time with both my husband who I rarely see alone and my sister who I rarely see at all. To do something I enjoy. To go a whole day without breastfeeding, bum changing or tantrum taming. It was refreshing and recharging.

It was just what I needed and I do not feel guilty about it at all not even for a second. Even the most attached parents need a day off.

On the other end of the scale there are those parents who will always complain no matter what. Everything is just so damn hard.

Nothing comes from constant complaint. It just makes life seem even more difficult. I’ve learnt the hard way. When things seem that they will never get better that’s the time you stop whining about your problems and start asking for solutions or help.

I don’t want my children to grow up to think that everything in life is to be suffered through and that we have to sacrifice our who selves in order to be a good parent. Yes being a parent requires hard work and some sacrifice. But not an absolute sacrifice of self.

Don’t forget who you are. And although I’m mum to my kids that doesn’t mean I lose Amanda along the way.

Promoting positive attitudes in my home

We were up 4 times last night. 10, 12, 2, 3 and then up for the day at 4.50am.

When I pulled myself out of bed I said out loud.
“This is bullshit, I don’t want to get out of bed yet.”

I fed DS lying down in bed. He had too much too fast and threw up all over my chest. Charming. But he was grinning and doing that cute smiling bobble head thing little ones do. So up we got and he played on the living room floor while I did, well a whole bunch of nothing.

Breakfast, coffee, toddler cuddles, argument with an almost toilet trained toddler over her not wanting to use the potty but obviously needing to pee, fold some laundry, put the baby back to bed as he was visibly and obviously very tired, fold some more laundry.

Being tired is all part and parcel of being a mother of young children particularly babies and toddlers.

It just comes with the territory.

And I can get cranky about it and spend my days feeling frustrated and annoyed, or I can just get on with it.

You can be happy and tired. Being annoyed and upset helps no one and constantly focusing on negatives just makes the problems worse.

I am in control of how I feel. Not my children, not my husband, not random people commenting on my Facebook statuses, just me.

I figure in a few years these sleepless nights will just be a memory. Will I look at this time and think, well I was tired but for the most part I was happy? That’s what I hope.

There are so many people out there really struggling with huge issues, poverty, abuse, serious illness, I could go on but my point is this -

Today I woke up healthy, my children also woke up. So did my husband. We’re alive! Fantastic! Then we had breakfast, we have food, great. My children played with toys and each other. How wonderful it is to provide them with those luxuries. We have a roof over our heads, beds to sleep in, we have each other and we have enough to eat.

How privileged we are.

Many people this year will sit at a table with a loved one missing for Christmas, soldiers overseas will miss their families, some will get in their cars and not make it to their destination.

I’ve had a rough year, I think the first year of a child’s life can be incredibly trying, at least for me it is. But I’ve made a conscious decision that for every negative I will find a positive.

I was awake 4 times last night, but at least being summer it’s not too cold getting out of bed at that time and the moon was bright and beautiful.

I’m feeling tired today, but my husband will be on holidays soon.

The wonder week has started, but that means my son is learning new things and now that it has begun it will soon end, it won’t last forever.

My son is growing up so fast, but that means soon he will be a walking talking toddler and I think toddlers are more fun then babies

For me and my family, remembering that things could be worse and trying to put a positive spin on things even when it seems like it just couldn’t get any worse makes for a happier home and a better way to live.

Who wants to be angry or sad all the time?

Here, just for a giggle

The joy of having children close together

So I’ve posted before about the difficulties I have faced having a small age gap between my children. So today, I’m going to post the positives.

The one thing I will point out is that the first 6 or so months (roughly until bub is crawling) are the hardest. Once the baby is mobile and they can begin playing together life gets a little easier. The first 6 months are survival mode. If you lower your housework expectations and simplify your day then you’ll be fine. Expect too much of yourself or your children, and it’ll be a disaster.

1 When they play together it’s beautiful. It doesn’t always happen but when these two play together happily it just melts my heart.

2 They both have a day nap. They don’t always overlap but both children have a sleep at some point during the day, and if the toddler doesn’t sleep then she at least has some quiet time.

3 Now that baby is mobile, they follow each other around and need much less hands on entertaining.

4 Now that he eats and we are doing BLW, I only prepare one meal for everyone and it means mealtimes are simple. The toddler needs no help and the baby is quickly understanding the concept of feeding himself.

5 They travel well and keep each other entertained in the car. Since day dot, the toddler has taken it upon herself to calm the baby in the car, and it worked! One less stress on me.

6 They love each other, and it’s beautiful.

There are other pros like having them close at school, close in age can share a bedroom if required, still had all the baby gear from the first etc. Ultimately you have to pick an age gap that works for your family while keeping in mind that a bigger gap means a lower risk of uterine rupture in a VBAC (though that risk is still small even before 18 months). Read more about ideal age gaps here.

I’m not a birthing woman

My son is 8 months old today.  Okay so it’s not a mega huge deal to anyone else, but it is to me.  He is my second and my last baby.

 

And you know what, I’m happy with that decision.  Though it’s a bittersweet one.  I love the dynamic of a family of 4.

 

Birth

With the way my last birth went I’d be a fool not to feel even a little apprehensive at the thought of birthing again.  And I’ll say now I’m shit scared at the thought.  When a doctor tells you that a vaginal birth would have killed you, well it makes you fearful.  My head knows realistically the chances of having placenta previa again are slim but there’s still that fear of what if.  I don’t want to spend 40+ weeks worrying and fearful.

 

Finance

Let’s face it, life isn’t getting any cheaper.  We have a comfortable lifestyle and selfishly, we want to keep it that way.  Right now we can give the children anything their hearts desire.  Could we do that with another baby?  I don’t want to chance it.

 

Family dynamic

This works for us, we’re comfortable as a family of four.

 

Lessons learnt

2 under 2 was a STEEP learning curve.  Some of the hardest days of my life were in those first six months.  As we come out of that fog and things get easier, I don’t want to go back to newborn days.  I learnt about stretching myself too thin, and another baby would pull me so tight I’d likely split down the middle.  I’d either have to have a HUGE age gap, or no third baby at all.  I’m opting for the later option.  I really struggled, and this is with easy babies!

 

Regaining my independence

I’ve been a stay at home mum for over 2 years now, and I’ve got at least 5 to go.  Yes, we’ve decided to send our children to school instead of homeschooling, how awful of us, moving on.  I’m looking forward to going to university and then gaining full time employment when my son is old enough to go to school.  I know I know you can do adult activities and stay home to teach your children, but you know what?  I enjoyed working, I liked having a job.  I also love being at home with my children but homeschooling is not for us.

 

It’s my choice!

I’m really getting sick of having to justify both my choice to not have any more babies and my husbands choice to get a vasectomy.  You’re both so young blah blah blah what if you change your minds blah blah blah.  We’re adults, we’ve been thinking about this for a long time.  What if one of the children die?  We wouldn’t replace them, that’s just morbid.  What if you repartner?  I don’t want any more children, with anyone!  It’s pretty simple, our bodies, our family, our choice.  We’ve discussed this together and we’re happy with our decision.

 

This doesn’t mean I’ll stop campaigning for birth choices, not at all.  I believe so strongly that women should have the right to access the model of care that works best for them regardless of what the medicos say.  I believe that it’s a slippery slope from disallowing homebirth to mandatory vaccination, health screens, and basically stripping all patients of their rights.  Fighting for homebirth is fighting for choice in healthcare.  Don’t forget this is also fighting for our daughters future rights, my daughter is only 2, but one day in the VERY distant future she may chose to have children, and I hope she has the right to chose to birth however she feels is right for her.

 

So no more babies from me, but plenty of birth propaganda information.