No More Mummy Wars

Yesterday someone commented on my blog post about the Gift of Sleep, basically saying I have no idea what I’m on about and how mum’s need sleep and the Gift of Sleep helps families.  I was ready to reply, I was forming a reply in my mind when I realised, I just don’t care anymore.

I don’t have a 6 month old anymore, I got my kids through that and I don’t feel like debating that or justifying my choices during a period which is long gone any longer.

Okay so I do care, I do feel for babies left alone to cry in their beds.  But let me frame it this way.

My 19 month old has been going through a period of waking at 3-4am and thinking it’s morning.  I did this for 3 days before I decided I am the parent, I make the rules.  3am is night time not morning time.  So I went in, hugged him until he calmed down and talked to him, it’s night time, not morning time, you need to go back to sleep now.  Put him down, go back to bed.  And he’d get out of bed and bang on the door, so I’d go back in and repeat.  He wasn’t left to cry, he would on ocassion yell at me as in “muuuuum muuuuuum mum mum mum!” He wasn’t distressed, he was pissed off.  Eventually, he went back to sleep and it’s been improving ever since.

I think sleep training does have it’s place, for older babies/toddlers over 18 months old who can clearly communicate.  Dr Louise Porter in Children Are People Too says that controlled crying was actually intended to be used for children over 18 months.  That makes total sense to me.  It’s an age where parents know their children well enough to be able to tell what angry/sad/distressed/pissed off sounds like, what a tantrum sounds like, what pain sounds like.  To know when they’re asleep or simply laying in wait.  And you know your child well enough to know their limits.  I know my daughter will whinge for a long time when there’s not really anything wrong, she’s just tired, grumpy, over it.  My son goes from zero to screaming in a matter of seconds to show he’s pissed off, but if I don’t go to him straight away it’s literally 30 seconds and he’s over it.  But there’s a difference between the squeal he does to get my attention and the scream he does because he’s hurt or scared.

Now I know that it’s not in the “attachment parenting” framework.  I should cosleep with him, right?  I don’t sleep when someone is touching me, no not even my husband, that’s why we have a king sized bed so we don’t have to touch each other while we sleep.  DS doesn’t sleep in the bed with us either, and DD sleeps in her own bed and sleeps all night.  I’m not messing with that.

The endless debate of CC vs gentle settling methods is tiresome, there seems to be no end.  We all get uppity about our chosen settling method.  We all get a bit Holier Than Thou about it and everyone should do as we’ve done.  Some of those claiming to be gentle parents seem to forget about talking with kindness and respect when talking to other mothers, and they forget that what we model for our children they are bound to copy.

I’m sick of the so called Mummy Wars, and I admit that I have at times been a part of them.  But I just don’t care for debates on sleep or settling any more.  I find it dull to be honest.  It’s just not where I’m at any more.

Look, I still encourage mums to do their research, if they’re not sure do some reading and ask around.  Use your critical thinking skills, who wrote that book, what qualifications do they have, what was their intention when writing the book?  Does it resonate with you?

But here’s an even better idea, throw out all the books, from your Tizzie Hall’s, to your Elizabeth Pantley’s, the lot, put them away and just listen to your own inner voice.  We all have our own instinct and inner voice, listen to it.  Do you really think your little baby needs to sleep through?  Do you think they’re an early riser or do they need your help to “reset” their body clock?  Are they waking hungry, wet, nightmares?  You know your baby, so stop listening to what people who don’t know your baby think is best.

I haven’t picked up a parenting book for a while now, I’ve flicked through something about illness for some ideas when DS had a cold we couldn’t shake, but other then that I’m really making it up as I go along.  I remember when I was a kid my mum had one pregnancy book, it was very thin and it had two pages of baby names for boys and two for girls, some pictures of a baby developing and some exercise ideas.  Mum just did what she thought was best and we turned out pretty good.  I don’t remember her debating sleep or settling with her friends (my brother is 7 years younger then me).  She certainly didn’t spend all day on parenting forums, talking about parenting.

Is this the problem, we spend so much time talking about parenting that we forget to get on and do it?  Have we lost our natural parenting abilities because we’re always waiting for someone else to give us an answer?

I will admit to identifying less and less with attachment parenting and just doing what feels right to me.  Wouldn’t it be great if we all discarded the labels and just got on with it?

 

Speak With Love

It was over a year ago now that I wrote the post Dear Tizzie Hall, and boy wasn’t there a response.  Over the last 12 months there have literally been thousands of views of it, I get hits on it everyday and of all my blog entries it has gotten the most comments.  Some of them positive and supportive, some of them critical, negative and some downright rude.  It’s been an interesting dialogue with people from both sides of the fence and has brought many people to the blog.

If you’re here after reading Dear Tizzie Hall, well hello!

It’s been interesting reading the more defensive posts.  I did the routines with my child and he’s fine.  Stop judging other mums.  AP is an unrealistic standard.  APing pushes marriages to the brink.  And so on and so forth.

It has taken me a long time to realise that those sorts of comments are not about me, they’re about the commenter.  I don’t often engage them because nothing I will ever say will change their mind, so what’s the point.

I do on occassion engage but it’s not for them, it’s for others who read it hoping that they get a balanced picture.

But I don’t carry that baggage around, as soon as I hit enter I let it go.  I free myself of it.

I am glad that the post has had such success and so many people have gotten “something” out of it, whatever that may be.  But wow, reading it, I am in such a different place in my journey now.

I was so flippin negative!  Truly!

The message is right, the information is, but I no longer ‘love’ the delivery.

I no longer get into that, I promote what I love and walk the walk.  I parent with love and dispell the myths of attachment parenting.  We are not weird hippies, my marriage isn’t at breaking point and the kids don’t run the house.  We are happy, healthy people with a bright future – thank you very much.

I am still an advocate for women and children’s rights and you can bet that I always will be.  I still stand for rights in birth and parenting.  I believe that breast isn’t best, it’s just normal.  I believe in promoting benefits and speaking the truth.

No matter what I will always endevour to say what is true.

I believe the most important thing we can do as parents is to nurture secure and loving relationships between ourselves and our children.  That’s it.  We all need to make choices about what that means for us.

I still don’t like Mia Freedman, Tizzie Hall and the Babywise mob, they’re all about the money and appearing to care about children and mothers.  Do yourself a favour, read something by Pinky McKay, that woman cares about mothers and babies.  She is a wonderful woman.

This past year has been a huge learning curve, I have changed and grown so much as a person.  I still stand by what I believe and have said, just not always the way in which I’ve said it.  I will move forward from hearing promising to speak with more love.

Attachment Parents Are The Best Parents

You heard it here, right from the horses mouth, Attachment Parents are the best and all other styles of parenting are negligent.

That’s right if you don’t subscribe to the AP way then you may as well leave your children in the woods to be raised by wild animals because they would do a far superior job.  If you bottle feed, sleep your baby in a cot, have a routine, feed your child puree, let them watch television before their 2nd birthday, send them to mainstream school or vaccinate you are truly a monster not worthy of being a mother.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  You are awful!  Your children will grow up to be detached emotionless criminals filling up our prisons and terrorizing our aging population.

I’m not serious.  I don’t believe that.  In fact many of the things listed I’ve done or plan to do in the future.  But just think.

How many times has it been said that attachment parenting creates unhealthy connections between mothers and babies, or spoils children, destorys marriages, elevates children to the position of parent, doesn’t give children the discipline or routine they need, is permissive.  Is wrong?

And that is seen as a normal critique of parental choices, yet on the flip side if you dare even think that a mother may not have her babies best interests at heart when she opens a copy of Tizzie Hall’s latest ‘book’ then you are JUDGING ME!

Let’s look at this seriously.  It’s okay to call anyone who has had a birth plan a Birthzilla but if you question the author on her choice to sleep train her infants you are a hater.  Truly, just ask about the Gift of Sleep in a less then complimentary fashion on Mia Freedman’s twitter, facebook or mamamia website, or the Gift of Sleep’s facebook and count the seconds before your comments are deleted and you are blocked.  In fact comments on the blog posts about The Gift of Sleep on Mamamia are totally blocked.  Apparently Mia Freedman is free to bash homebirthing women, anti-vaxxers, breastfeeding women and attachment parents but can’t take a hint of criticism herself.

And how many times have we been told that we’re creating a rod for our own back?  That our babies will never be off the breast.  That they will be in our bed FOREVER.  That this is our future

And we should be very very afraid.

Honestly, I’m not concnerned, if DS is still wanting a boob when he’s a grown man it certainly won’t be mine he’s chasing.

But seriously, why is it okay to say negative and horrible things to women choosing the attachment method of parenting but when they even casually question a more mainstream approach it is seen as judgement.  I have had nasty horrible things said to me especially regarding the apparent sexual nature of breastfeeding but when I simply stated “but isn’t a bottle just an imitation nipple” I was said to be mean, nasty, judging, it’s not my fault I couldn’t breastfeed, stop acting so superior.

Ho-Hum.

All I’m asking is this.  If you’re going to make broad sweeping statements about my parenting then be prepared to hear a few about yours.  I’m not going to lie down and take false accusations of stunting my childs development, or underhanded comments about the future of my marriage with a smile and a nod.  No way no how.  No.  I’m not that sort of woman.

Not when I have chosen my methods based on what is best for my child not always what is easiest or most convienent.  I don’t subscribe to the “happy mum happy baby” line to justify every decision that may have negative consequences.  I don’t believe this is a stage of my children’s life to simply be endured but a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Emotional stability comes from having a strong framework to begin with.

If you find my way of parenting confronting or if it makes you uncomfortable well I don’t apologize because quite frankly how other people (other then my children and husband) feel about how I run my house does not matter to me.  Yes I take into consideration the opinions of family, their opinions matter to me and I value them.  Random other mother, hate to break it to you but I don’t care if you think that I ruined my baby by “letting” him sleep in my bed, you don’t want to know what I think of your choice to stop breastfeeding at 8 weeks so you could go party with your girlfriends and leave the baby with your husband as per usual.

Spite?  Little bit.  I’m tired of defending my choices to people who judge in one breath and claim judgement in another.  We all judge, a lot.  It’s how we make choices about what is best for us.  Perhaps some people should take a look at what they’re about to say before they say it and ask themselves, am I adding to the conversation in a constructive way or am I pushing that person away with my ill-informed opinions?

I need more time!

Have you ever heard someone say, I’ll do it when I have more time?  Or that they need to make time for something?

Unless this person is in the business of making clocks, or owns a 1981 DeLorean DMC-12, there is no time to be made or created and no way of getting back lost time.  That’s right you will only ever have 24 hours in the day, you can’t stuff in a couple of extra to get more done.  Not going to happen.  There’s also no way, yet, of going back in time.  We don’t get a do-over.  This is it.

So why do so many people say they’ll do things when they have more time?  Laziness?  Reluctance?  Not wanting to say an outright no?  Belief that one day they really will have more time?

Last year someone offered me a wonderful opportunity, but it sounded like a lot of work and effort and I honestly could not see how it would fit around what I believed was a jam packed schedule.  In short, I said I didn’t have the time and maybe when I had more time I would be able to fit it in.

I did have the time.  I had 24 hours at my disposal every single day.  I wasn’t managing my time very well at all.  Yes I had a newborn and a toddler.  Yes we had playgroup once a fortnight during school terms.  Yes my husband worked away.  No I didn’t drive.

But that was it.  I thought I was really very busy.  No time for anything extra what so ever.

Now I study full time from home, have an 18 month old and a 3 year old, go to 2 playgroups on alternating fortnights, go to the gym minimum 3 times a week, run my own fledgling business (which as anyone who has been in business would know takes a lot of time and effort in the building days), my husband still works away with the Army, I’m in the process of reenlisting myself as a reservist, and I now drive.

I am now the busiest I have ever been in my entire life!

And yet I feel like I have the time to do all of this, and more.  We still fit in playdates and random trips to the muesum or the aquarium, we fit in trips to the bank, post office and supermarket, dropping off and picking up new books from the library.  We have more time with friends, less time at home in front of the television, more real life experiences for them.  And more happening for me.  I feel free, truly.  Not bound to the house and not restricted to what we have here for entertainment.  I get a sense of fulfillment and ackomplishment at the end of a busy day.  And any day not spent cleaning is a win in my books.

I know it’s not the politically correct thing to say as a mother, especially as one who subscribes to the attachment parenting philosophy, but I wasn’t content as a literal stay at home parent.  I love my children with every fibre of my being however being home every minute of every day and only leaving the house when my husband was able to take us somewhere felt so restricted, shackled almost.

I’ve also become very aware that the only time we have is now.  This is it.  Life is not a dress rehersal.  And whether you believe in an after life or not, in these mortal bodies in this place the only time we have is now.

The past is done.  Forgive if you have to, learn the lesson and move on.  You cannot change it, alter it, go back and re-do it.  It is what it is, accept it and move on.

The future is yet to happen.  Plan it, dream about it, visualise what you want from it.  Take a moment to live in your dreams.  If you could have anything for yourself and your family, money being no barrier, what would it be?  I do this often.  Sometimes intentionally, sometimes on purpose I sit down and dream and visualise what will be in 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years.  That is fun!  With no limits and no barriers our future looks pretty darn good.

Sometimes it’s not intentional, or not for fun, sometimes picturing what might be gets me through a particularly difficult minute, hour, day.  You know the one.  Where the kids are melting down, making mess, tantruming, fighting with each other, you sit down on the floor, close the door and think, if I stay in here 5 minutes longer maybe they won’t figure out where I am and I can have a moments peace.  And it’s always at that very moment that they find you.  Take a deep breath.

Sometimes saying this too shall pass helps.  Sometimes it is better to imagine what it will look like when this passes.

In 1 year, these children will be 1 year older.  What will they be able to do?  How tall will they be?  How long will their hair be?  Will that baby be able to start vocalising what they need instead of just yelling at you?  Will that baby be feeding shorter and less frequently giving you more space and bodily autonomy?  Will that 18 month old be sleeping through the night?  (That last one is for me)

Are these problems really that big of a deal?

Is waking once overnight really such a huge problem or is it a problem because other people outside the home think it should be?  (Again, that one is for me)

Once this time is over it is over.  Never again will my daughter be 3 years and 5 days old, nor will me son be 18 months and 1 day old again.  This is it.  That cute thing he did just then reading me a book in gibberish, he won’t do that in 5, 10, 15 years time.  Yet in 5, 10, 15 years time I will have plenty of time to work full time or bum around on Facebook.

The things I’m missing now I can never get back, but the things I’m missing them for I can probably do later.

It is all about time management.

Unfortunately mums, you do have to manage your time well.  This doesn’t mean scheduled naps or feeds.  I have never subscribed to that.  But my 18 month old has naps at other peoples houses, in the car, in the pram.  It doesn’t always have to be at home in bed.

It’s all about making choices with what to do with your time.  You can always chose not to watch television.  I work and study at night.  The television is on in the background but mostly for background noise.

Look you can have it all if you want it.  Or none of it if you don’t.  You can live a life of regrets or a life with none.  You can spend your days doing things you enjoy with people you love.  Or you can coast by.  And you can do that while working or not.  You can be a stay at home mum and spend no quality time with your children, or a working mum who spends hours of quality time with their family.

Life is not about achieving a balance!

I know it goes against everything we’re told, we need to find the work/home balance.  Finding a balance means managing your life, micromanaging even.  You spend so much time trying to achieve balance that you don’t spend time enjoying what you’re doing.  So if you work more then you’re at home and you enjoy what you do and the time spent with your family is quality time – GREAT!  You’ve done it!  If you hate your job and spend your time at home stressing about work and not enjoying your family, change it.  If you are unhappy at home, go out.  If you’re spending more time online then you are with your children TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND PUT DOWN THE PHONE!

And if you think you can’t then you won’t, if you think you can you will find a way.

Don’t stick to where you’re comfortable.  No change happens in your comfort zone.

Do something different, new and exciting – today!

STFU, 60 Minutes

So, what exactly was the point of the Attachment Parenting piece on 60 minutes?  It certainly wasn’t to inform mothers that there is an alternative to spanking, cry-it-out, routine feeding and scheduled nap times.  It seems to have been another piece of suedo journalism with the intent to tell women and more specifically mothers how wrong they are.

That’s right, those naughty hippies ignoring the advice of generations of mothers gone before them in an attempt to follow a fad style of parenting.

Well as an attachment parent I’m going to clear up some little inaccuracies from the On Demand segement of 60 Minutes.

Attachment Parents give in to every demand of their children.

No, we don’t.  I often tell my children that they can’t do something, have something, behave in a certain way.  It’s not okay to hit others, throw an hour long tantrum because I said we were coming home and you wanted to stay, I’m not going to sit and breastfeed for hours and hours, we don’t snatch, and the 3 year old must use her words.  Pretty simple stuff really.  My 3 year old could ask for cake half an hour before dinner time, doesn’t mean I’m going to give it to her.  My 18 month old might simply be going boob to boob, side to side, they’re empty, you’re finished.  Time to hop off.

Which brings me to my next point…

Attachment parenting is a checklist that must be followed to the letter

I considered myself an attachment parent long before I was a breastfeeder.  My first child was weaned well before her 6 week check up.  She only co-slept with us for 4 months before she stopped settling in our bed so went to her own sleeping space.  I considered myself an attachment parent because I responded to the needs of my baby in a empathetic and respectful way.  It had nothing to do with how and where she was born, how she was fed, where she slept, what toys she played with, and everything to do with the intent behind everything that was done.  You can be an attachment parent who bottlefeeds, sleeps their baby in a cot, pushes a pram and has elective csections.  Again, not a checklist, a philosophy.

Attachment Parents look down on mothers who don’t follow the philosophy

That’s right, all APers are snooty do-gooders who think everyone else is wrong wrong wrong.

What a load.  I’ve never met these women with these aparent superiority complexes.  I’ve never sat in a circle discussing how women who use controlled crying are the devil and must be “dealth with.”  I have however had to defend my parenting choices to others, sometimes to people I always thought would have my back, I know many other women who make similar choices have to regularly do the same.  Maybe this is misinterpretted.  The truth is that there is evidence against controlled crying.  Presenting that evidence is not the same as calling someone a bad parent or intentionally making someone feel bad.  The only person who can make someone feel guilty is themselves.  I’m really tired of having to defend my mothering choices while at the same time being called horrible things for asking questions of the parenting methods of others.  If you’re not prepared to defend your choices then don’t put me in a position where I have to defend mine.

Attachment Parents are agressive about their parenting choices

I think you missed the point about it being a gentle style of parenting.

Attachment Parents put their relationships with children before their partners and marriages

No.  Not true at all.  That’s why there are many APers who are tandem feeding.

But you co-sleep, how do you “do it?”

There are other places other then a bed to make babies.  If you’re only doing it in bed well, doesn’t that get a bit boring?

Attachment Parenting is a concious decision

Not always, I had no idea it was called that until long after I was already doing it.  I figured I was just parenting.

Attachment Parents meet in little groups and bitch about mainstream parents

No, we mostly just talk about organic food co-ops, Thermomix recipes and compare wraps and structured carriers.

The 60 Minutes piece was so condecending.  I wish the Australian media would stop adding fuel to the fire that women use to flame each other.  How about this, we are all given a free pass to discuss our methods of parenting without judging each other (remember studies that don’t involve your child are not a judgement against you) because topics like controlled crying should be discussed so women can see both sides of the coin.  But please, 60 Minutes, don’t pit ourselves against each other, that’s what we have parenting forums for.

Reflections on solo parenting

It’s been a long couple of weeks.

I’ve been solo parenting with my husband has been away with the Army and this afternoon/evening he comes home.  It feels surreal, he’s come home.  I feel like I have been doing this alone all along.  It will be great to have him home though.  My almost 3 year old has reached her limit coping with his absence.  She isn’t dealing with saying goodbye.  We had my sister visit for her birthday party and dropping her at the airport resulted in an awful melt down.  Full on screaming.

And can I say that this last wonder week has made my 18 month old particularly unpleasant to be around at times?  I know that’s really not what you’re supposed to say but holy heck, the tantrums they seem to be never ending.  This too shall pass.  This too shall pass.

But this afternoon he comes back and I’ll have a partner in parenting again.  Woohoo!!!

I have a feeling that today will go really really incredibly slow.  Really.

I’ve had some huge revelations about my life and my future during this period of reflection.  I’ve had a lot of time alone and a lot of time to really think.

My dreams for the future will come true if I let them.  If I hold on to them they will happen.  My future success is only limited by the limits I put on it.  It will happen.

Truly it will.  And I will only be successful by helping others do the same.  Pretty cool.

I’m pretty good at this parenting thing, even if I don’t always get it right and feeling like I’m a bad mum means that I care enough to worry about that kind of thing.  I just need to remind myself that I am strong and I am good at this.  I have two wonderful children who love me, I must be on to a winner.

Other people are going to judge me and my actions and it is not about me, it is all about them.  So screw them and their opinions.  I’m not going to let them effect me.

Bad days happen, and they happen often when you’re alone.  Sometimes it feels like you’re swimming in a deep vat of molasses.  It’s okay to feel lonely, sad, angry, upset; it’s not okay to let those feelings consume you.  I have to keep moving.

I love being able to drive!  Why didn’t I do this earlier?

I’m pretty awesome, my kids are pretty cool, we’re going to do big things and get so many things done.  Watch this space.

Bedsharing – not a certain death sentance

I remember when my daughter, my first, was a baby.  Before she was born I planned out a beautiful nursery for her and I remember fondly the day we set up the bassinet at the foot of our bed.

She was born, happiest day of my life, and for that first sleepy week was content to sleep wherever she was and I naively thought that was it.

And then she woke up, reflux took hold and for four months she slept on my chest.  Then she moved to a cot in our room for a while and then into the nursery.

She’ll be 3 in just over a week, I’m busy planning a party while parenting solo.  The other morning she woke up early and climbed into bed with me.  She fell asleep and I woke up to her drooling on my shoulder.  It was very sweet.

Despite having coslept as a baby she transitioned to her own sleep space without issue.  She sleeps all night every night unless she is unwell, even then she can be comforted in her own bed.

Clearly if you cosleep your baby will be in your bed forever.

I coslept with my son from the moment NICU gave my son to me to parent overnight.

That’s right, I coslept with my preterm son.  How negligent of me.

Funny though when he was sleeping alone he wasn’t gaining weight or able to keep his body temp up but one night of constant boob and skin to skin and his weight started going up and his temp stabilized.

He stayed in our bed until he was 8 months, then he went into a cot.  He’s 18 months and comes into bed for boob and cuddles sometime between 1-4am each morning.  But that’s cool with me, we cuddle, we snooze, he’s happy!

The truth is that safe cosleeping is safe.

That is on a firm mattress with no fluffy pillows, no thick doonas, no smoking, no alcohol, no illegal drugs, no perscription medication, no gaps that baby can roll or fall into, no couch/bean bag/futon.

Basically what is safe for cot sleeping is safe for cosleeping, pretty simple.

Now cosleeping mothers are more in tune with their babies if they breastfeed.  It really doesn’t work the same if you bottle feed.  Bottle fed babies shouldn’t be in the adult bed, they should however be in the same room.

Cosleeping is normal for humans.

What do you think we did before cots? How do you think the species survived?

Cosleeping reduces the risk of SIDS.

Families in Japan cosleep, smoke less and breastfeed more and their infant mortality rates are very low.

Safe cosleeping is really simple.

Cosleeping is supported by the ABA.

It is tragic that four babies have died.  But I feel like the coroner is not giving us the full story.  Where was the cosleeping taking place?  What was the feeding method?  What was the mother on, drink/drugs etc. 

Because safe cosleeping is safe and unsafe sleep anywhere is unsafe.  Let’s not forget that while half of SIDS deaths happen while cosleeping the other half happen while the baby is sleeping alone and no one is suggesting banning cot sleeping.

Let’s get real.  Stop the fear campaign and promote safe cosleeping and educate families to make safe choices.

PS – now that the babies are toddlers I cosleep with the dog, which I quite like, he sleeps at the foot of the bed and warms my feet.

The lemon tree

Last year, in the spring we bought a little lemon tree and repotted it and sat it in a sunny spot by the front yard.

About a month later the little lemon tree was covered in little white flowers and I was filled with visions of harvesting many many lemons. In my head I planned what I would make – lemonade, lemon cordial, lemon curd, lemon butter, lemon delicious.

Slowly but surely the little white flower fell off, and there were no lemons.

I kept watering and nurturing the plant but I was a wee bit disappointed.

I watched closely and at the end of the week I noticed two little tiny baby lemons. Small and green but full of promise.

More fertilizer, more water, more shuffling in and out of the hot Townsville sun. And slowly, very slowly, the two little lemons began to grow.

The wet season came and nature took care of the watering and I took care of the fertilizer.

Then one of the lemons fell off in a big gust of wind.

That was disappointing.

And as I harvested chilies, kefir lime leaves, carrots, snake beans, and then at the end of the wet yams, I watched the last little lemon grow bigger and bigger until it stopped.

For a week it stayed the same, no change, no growing just the same.

Earlier last week I noticed the colour changing, and this morning it looked almost yellow! We might get a lemon out of this yet!

Why on earth am I, a parenting blogger, telling you about my lemon tree?

Well it’s a lot like watching your child grow up.

When I first brought my daughter into the world I was filled with ideas of how she would be and for the first two weeks it was very much how I’d imagined.

Then silent reflux surfaced and much like the flowers falling off the tree and baring no fruit, as a mother it was disappointing.

But I continued and by the time she was a few months old she improved. Like the little lemons. And continued improving.

There have been set backs like tantrums and our mother/child relationship hasn’t always been smooth sailing. But now as she is truly a girl and not a baby, I can see her personality blossoming in front of me.

That one lemon when it is ripe will be the reward of all my hard work. Though to others it might seem like a small consolation prize, to me after months of hard work it will be a welcome reward.

My daughter is not perfect but to me she is amazing, she’s everything, and seeing her grow up into a wonderful young woman is worth the wait. I’ve never rushed her through milestones and I’ve treasured her at every age, good things come to those who wait.

Calm, gentle, peaceful – whatever

When we imagine what attachment or natural parenting looks like we see calm, relaxed, gentle, loving parents with happy, well-mannered children. We picture homemade food, homemade clothes (or at least WAHM) and wooden toys.

Friends, it is an illusion.

This morning my children were playing in the yard, safe, secure and enclosed, when I had to duck inside to use the bathroom (how selfish of me) leaving them in a safe environment where they couldn’t get in trouble, or so I thought.

I went back into the yard and couldn’t see them, not to worry they must be around the side, nope. All of a sudden I saw a tiny naked bum toddling away on the other side of the gate. They were escaping! Right towards the road! IN THE NUDE!

I ran, picked them both up under my arms and said in my sternest mum voice…..

“WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TWO THINKING! THE ROAD IS NOT WHERE WE PLAY!”

I didn’t stay calm, I didn’t speak gently, and I didn’t give them a choice.

All I could think of was my two toddlers being hit by cars and I was angry.

We’ve hit a whingy phase. He wants to communicate but isn’t quite there. It’s frustrating and as much as I try to be a calm and gentle parent sometimes, well, I’m not.

Why am I telling you this? Because it’s normal. And everyone needs to remember that we’re only human. We aren’t always perfect parents and it’s okay to be frustrated. We need to give ourselves a break.

The important thing is to recognize our mistakes and try better next time. After all we want our children to learn by our example and they will make mistakes so we need to show them how to recover from their mistakes. We need to show them that there is no problem so big that can’t be fixed. And we need to show them the importance of trying again.

The perfect child

Did you know that all attachment parents have perfect children?

They have no sleep issues, all breastfeed with no problem, their toddlers are perfect angels with no behavioral problems, they’re all perfect angels and their parents never ever want to run away and join the circus.

Parents struggle the same no matter what style of parenting they subscribe too. Some of the most alternative attachment parents I know are also parents to the children with the most difficult sleep issues, ditto for so-called mainstreamers. I know mothers of children who have done baby led weaning from the first time solids hit their babies lips, they’ve never intentionally spoonfed their child who at 4 years of age wants their mum to spoonfeed them.

I know the most loving gentle mothers with children who have really difficult behaviours, ditto to mainstreamers.

I know attachment parents who bottlefeed, use expensive fancy prams, have elective csections just because they want to, use disposable nappies or think homeopathics are just snake oil.

On the flip side there are mainstream parents who breastfeed, use cloth nappies; I could go on and on.

Point is when someone says they’re an attachment parent please don’t assume they are having an easy ride of it. Please don’t go to their home expecting to be fed biodynamic organic raw vegan snacks. Please don’t expect them to wear Birkenstocks or shop at Tree of Life. When they say they’re looking for a career don’t assume it’s as a doula or reiki therapist.

Just because she doesn’t want to spank doesn’t mean you should automatically assume she went to an Occupy protest.

Truth is many of us attachment parents come to be on this path after weighing up all our options and choosing this one as best for us. I’ve heard it many times, I bought SOS or Babywise or someone bought me the book and I read it while pregnant and had every intention of following it… Until my baby was born and it just wasn’t for us so I did some more reading and I found attachment patenting.

Attachment parenting is kind of a spectrum, some are über crunchy, some of us are kind of crunchy, most of us fall somewhere in the middle. The great thing is we’re all on our own journey and not being ‘as crunchy’ as the next mama doesn’t mean we’ve failed or are coming up short, it just means we’ve tailored the attachment parenting style to meet the needs of our family.

So the next time you write someone’s opinion off regarding sleeping issues or feeding issues because they’re an attachment parent so their child must be perfect I urge you to remember this. Our children are not perfect and mothering them is not always easy, most attachment parents have done lots of reading about parenting because they want to be sure they’re doing the best for their children, sleeping and settling, feeding and disciplining any child can be a lot of work. So when I give my opinion on a sleep routine or feeding method do not assume I’m against it because my kids are so easy they’ve never needed it, I’ve just not chosen to go down that road because it’s not what I believe to be best for my children and I believe there is a better way for them.