Happy birthday baby!

I swear he will be called baby forever, even when he’s grown up with his own babies.

That’s my son a year ago.

Now he’s a healthy 1 year old, beautiful and happy.

I’m flat out with birthday celebrations today. But I will say it’s bittersweet. While there it is a happy occasion it is also the anniversary of my birth trauma.

I said to DH earlier if I got piss blind drunk I’d STILL probably remember more of what I remember of 24/1/11.

It’s not as bad as I expected. I have gone for a run and DS is having a big morning nap. But a sort of heavy feeling seems to be hanging over me today.

On DDs birthday I take great delight in remembering what I was doing at the time on that day, oh I was contracting, moving to the shower, about to push, birthday minute kiss (I’m a dag and I know it) and then we were cuddling, went to our room etc.

With DS I remember being put under, briefly meeting, and then waiting to go and see him. And I remember the sadness. Hearing the other newborns cry while I sat in my room, surrounded by people but so bitterly alone.

I think I’ll really celebrate on the 31st, that’s the anniversary of his graduation from NICU and the day we went home.