You’re important too, don’t you know?

I really really detest that statment.

You’re important too, followed by the don’t you know.  It’s said in a patronizing tone by someone who cares enough about you to notice that you’re struggling but not enough to actually offer you any real hands on support, usually.  If it’s said followed by, what can I do to help or let me take the little one for 10 minutes or so while you have a shower then wonderful.  However, we’ve probably all been there before.  Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about.

Mum – “I’m just so tired, the house is an absolute mess, and I haven’t had a decent shower since X was born 6 weeks ago.”

‘Friend’ – “You poor thing, you’re important too you know, it won’t hurt him to have a cry while you have a shower or a cup of tea, they have to learn independence at some stage.”

Face, meet palm.

If you’re a friend of someone who has just had a baby, do not tell her she’s still important or needs to make herself a priority.  She knows that.  She knows that she feels awful.  The thing is it is hard to ask for help directly, we all fear rejection to some extent, or we’re too proud, or we just don’t want to appear like we can’t do it on our own.  So instead of hearing, I’m too wrapped up in my baby hear this, I would love your help.

If you hear, I haven’t had a good shower in weeks, then offer to make that happen for her!  Sometimes a nice warm shower alone is just what I crave, and so when my husband comes home from a trip away one of the first things I ask of him is if he can watch our two so I can have a shower.  Simple, but after weeks of grabbing a shower here and there the freedom to just relax and not rush, and wash my hair without a worry is bliss.

If you hear, the washing is just not getting done, then ask where the machine is or offer to fold a basket while you chat.

Bring a meal.  Nothing is better then a meal cooked just for you.  Make it something simple she can just reheat.  Ask what her favourite is!  And if you can’t cook, bring snacks, fruit, coffee from her favourite cafe.

Instead of offering her crap advice like, would he be happier if he learnt to self settle, are you sure you have enough milk and so on, how about just asking, what can I do to help.

What do you need?

The best thing you can do for a friend who is struggling as a new mother is just be there for her and offer her your time, listen to her, make her feel like what she is feeling is real and valid.  Trust me it is so hard when all the other mothers seem to have it together, hair neat and tidy, make up, outfits that look decent and aren’t covered in reflux spew.  That’s tough, it feels like you’re the only one not making this work when the washing is piled sky high, you haven’t fed yourself more than a blueberry muffin in two days and getting out of the house feels like mission impossible.

So don’t tell her she’s important, that she needs to put herself first, that a happy mum makes a happy baby (*shudder*).  Listen, is she really saying she is having a hard time or is she asking for your help.  And if she’s doing the later, offer it.  It doesn’t have to be a big thing, if you’re already sitting there then fold a basket of washing, or if you’re already there then cuddle that baby while she showers.  Who doesn’t love a squishy newborn hug.

I promise you it’s those gifts of hands on support that are remembered long after the cards of congratulations go in the drawers and the cute gifted outfits are grown out of.  They cement friendships.  They are treasured.

So remember, food not flowers, is the present that will be treasured by new mums the most.

Ban the hospital birth!

Did you know that all homebirthers want hospital births banned?

Did you know anyone who has had a Homebirth will hate you it you have a csection?

Did you know that freebirthers hate midwives and they think that every OB is the devil incarnate?

That must be why my blessingway in hospital was attended by homebirthers, who then supported me before, during and after my planned csection.

My birth attendant had given birth to two babies at home! Fancy that. She’s actually the person I here the line “homebirthers hate hospital birthers” most often about. And it’s shit.

There is no home vs hospital birth war going on between mothers. Homebirthers just want their choice to be viewed as a valid one.

Homebirthers don’t birth at home for the candles and meditation music, they do so because they believe it is the best and safest place to have their baby. That’s it. So stop telling women giving birth at home that they’re being selfish, they’re not! They’re just making a different choice.

And hospital birthers are not mindless drones just doing whatever their doctor or midwife tells them to do.

Women should be informed of the risks and benefits of all birthing options, they should have choice, and consent should be sought for all procedures done in hospitals to birthing women and the motherbaby.

Right. Done. End of story

Now I ask you all a favor.

A very good friend of mine has fallen on tough times and needs support. Janet Fraser is a wonderful woman who tragically lost her baby. If that wasn’t enough she is now going through a coronial inquest which is costing her a great deal of money.

I ask that you go to her blog and if you can spare ANY money then donate it. Even if it’s only a few dollars, every little bit counts. Any donation $200, $20 or $2 all adds up.

Please consider donating to this very worthy cause.

What’s with all the horror stories?

While I was pregnant with my second child I started reading up on ways to ‘transition’ her from being an only child to a big sister. I read about what to do in hospital, how to deal with negative reactions to the baby, how to prepare the toddler – books to read, dolls to buy, games to play, the whole lot.

Then a huge spanner was thrown in the works and at 27 weeks I went on bed rest. At 35 weeks my son was born. And two days after that my daughter met him through the plastic humicrib.

“BABY!” she squealed with absolute delight, pointing, waving and smiling. She was so excited to meet him.

We brought him home from hospital and every time she saw him again she would squeal “BABY!”

This continued for months, after every nap and every morning she would squeal with delight when she saw him or even heard him chattering away in the other room.

14 months later, just this very morning, I heard that my daughter had woken up so I left the baby in the toy room to play so I could help my daughter to the potty. As soon as she heard him chattering away she squealed “BABY!” and ran out of the room to look for him.

Now I bet you’re wondering what the point of this is, despite being a nice story, the point is this – lots of people were more then willing to tell me their horror stories, toddlers that didn’t adjust to the new baby, toddlers that hit the baby, toddlers who even hated the baby, and that was their experience and that’s okay, but sometimes it would be helpful to hear some positive stories.

It’s the same across all the parenting ‘fields’ though isn’t it? The birth that went horribly wrong, the woman who couldn’t breastfeed and almost starved her baby trying, the baby that died co-sleeping, the baby who didn’t sleep through the night until he was 5 years old, and I could go on and on giving examples.

Don’t keep breastfeeding because I know someone who couldn’t wean until her son was 5 so it’s better to wean before they get too old for it. Don’t co-sleep, I know someone who knows someone who rolled into their baby and the baby died! You better make sure you get your daughter ready for the new baby, my friends toddler had to be separated from the baby because she kept hitting the poor little dear.

The first thing you need to remember is that this sort of advice will always be dished out, particularly by busy bodies with nothing better to do with their time. Take it with a grain of salt, do they really know ‘that person’ or are they just saying it to try and sway your parenting decisions?

And if you’re giving advice stop and think, is that respectful or helpful, is it better to say nothing at all?

Don’t believe all the horror stories, birth isn’t always like its portrayed in the movies, breastfeeding isn’t always difficult, and some siblings do get along, even when they’re both babies.

Under Pressure

I often hear that from the second you fall pregnant well meaning friends and family are offering you all sorts of advice; good, bad, helpful, upsetting, condecending and sometimes just plain weird.

I must have had a big sign on my head that said “don’t talk to me about this baby” because very few people offered me any sort of advice. I had a lovely boss, we shared an office, he would always make sure I had the comfortable chair, there was cold water in the fridge, I only had to write an appointment with my OB up on the white board and I had the day off, it was a great environment to work in. He would often talk about the things his 3 year old son was up to and would add at the end, “it’s all ahead of you, so much to look forward to.” And nothing he said was negative, it was about his son’s favourite book or song or what they got up to on the weekend. I was blessed, there were no horror stories about colicky newborns or tantruming toddlers, just a dad who loved his son and wanted to tell the world.

Then I went on maternity leave. My friend had a big baby, she said she’d begged for drugs but they wouldn’t give them to her, she said she’d screamed that the baby was stuck, but they wouldn’t listen until after hours of pushing it was apparent the baby was stuck. She got an infection from the hospital.

I was scared witless. And that fear carried over into my daughter’s birth. I was scared I couldn’t cope with the migraine any longer (after 2 weeks of vommiting and blurry vision) so I opted for an induction at 39+5. I was scared I couldn’t cope with the contractions anymore so I opted for an epidural after just 4 hours. And then after her birth I was scared that her unsettled crying was due to my poor milk supply so I opted for formula the moment it was suggested at her 2 week check up.

Now I look back at the day she was born as one of the best of my life. But I can see room for improvement.

As mothers we are constantly under pressure. Pressure from ourselves, pressure from our partners, our parents, our in laws, our extended families, our friends, our doctors. Is she feeding well? Does she always cry this much? Why isn’t she sleeping through already? Keep doing that and you’ll spoil her rotten.

I was incredibly blessed with the mothers group I found myself in after my daughters birth. They were kind, loving, accepting women who supported me in every decision I made. I was sad to leave them behind when we moved.

It is a shame they aren’t all like that.

We are our own harshest critics. Mothers don’t need anymore criticism of their parenting choices. We’re the first to say that we failed, that we get it right or that we should have done better. What we need are people who support us, acknowledge that we’re doing our very best but also don’t sugar coat the facts.

For example someone once told me that “well I formula fed my baby and he’s totally fine so I reckon it’s just as good, your baby will be fine too.” I found it so dismissive. Someone else said to me, “I’m sorry you weren’t supported in breastfeeding your daughter but you did the best you could.”

This article came up on my news feed this morning. It annoyed me. It reinforces the idea that if you’re struggling with breastfeeding just give it up, don’t look for support or for help, besides font you want dad and grandma to bond with baby too?

Dad and grandma can bond with baby by bathing, cuddling, talking to, and settling baby. Feeding isn’t the only way.

Perhaps if there wasn’t as much pressure to keep the house clean, the husband happy and the baby constantly content breastfeeding wouldn’t be a big deal. If we valued that precious newborn time and weren’t forcing women to get back to it quick smart. If we valued the role of the stay at home mum.

The expectations need to go. We’ll get back to the tidy house one day, our relationship will survive as long as both parties understand the changes that happen when a baby comes along and normal newborn behaviour is recognized, a fussy day doesn’t mean bad milk.

And people kept their horror stories to themselves!

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Accepting that I took a risk

Often I’ll read something and it will point out the downsides of decisions I’ve made as a parent.

This use to really upset me.

Just yesterday I was ready about co-sleeping, SIDS and breastfeeding. Now one of the benefits of breastfeeding is a lower rate of SIDS. This isn’t a benefit. Breastfeeding is the biological norm, so the lower rate of SIDS should in fact be the baseline and formula feeding would increase the risk. So by formula feeding my first baby I increased the risk of SIDS.

Now if someone had told me this when she was a baby I would have heard it as a personal attack. I was doing the best I could, I couldn’t change the fact that she was formula fed once I started, how dare someone insinuate I was risking my baby’s life.

It was when she was around 8 months old and we were thinking about a second baby it dawned on me. Statistics are not about making mothers feel bad. Not in the slightest. They’re a warning to those who are making decisions about feeding methods.

Perhaps if on the can of formula it had said that by giving my infant a bottle I was risking – SIDS, obesity, diabetes, allergies, childhood cancers etc. Perhaps if it had said that babies who were formula fed were hospitalized more then the breast fed counterparts. If I had of been told the real risks I would have fought harder to breastfeed. I really truly believed that formula was just as good.

Now we got lucky and my daughter was never sick as a baby and so far so good. But studying naturopathy and beginning with nutrition, I’ve once again had to accept that the decisions I made when she was a baby could have long lasting impacts and I have to accept that and own those choices. I don’t feel guilt, or anger, or sadness anymore, but I do accept my choices.

I read this article yesterday. My son was born at 35 weeks. It was life or death. If I haemoraged for an 8th time we may not have survived. But I still worry for his future. I don’t feel guilty about making the choice to deliver, however I accept the risks and going forward I watch for signs that he is struggling and will find him help if he needs it. So far so good.

It’s important to talk about risks vs benefits when we are making decisions, not to make anyone feel bad but to make sure their decisions are informed.

Because knowledge is power, and if we all have as much information about a choice as we can possibly get then ultimately the decision we make will be the absolute best for ourselves, our children and our situation. Sometimes that means doing what we need to do instead of what we want to do like waiting instead of inducing or cutting out caffeine instead of switching to formula.

But with all the information your decision will be one that is informed.

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Childless Experts Say the Strangest Things

Oh Gina Ford, do you even think before you write?

For those of you who have been living on a cave on Mars with your fingers in your ears apparently new mums should have sex with their partners 4-6 weeks after birth even if they have to grin and bear it.

No foolin’.

“It’s up to parents, but after four to six weeks I encouraged every family to go out for a lovey-dovey afternoon or evening when they got glammed up and were not allowed to talk about the baby.”

Gina Ford is divorced with no children. So hazard a guess but she has never given birth before. So she’s never had post birth sex before or even cared for a newborn 24/7 either.

The first time my husband and I were intimate after my first birth was uncomfortable. I think it was around 8 weeks after and was infrequent, we had a baby with silent reflux who slept on my chest day and night until she was 4 months old.

Ford’s argument is that men might feel rejected by the lack of intimacy so women should give them sex even if it hurts.

What a crock!

Firstly, it your partner feels rejected because you are caring for your child you have bigger problems then your sex life. Men don’t get jealous of babies. A loving caring partner would see that you’re a tired, busy mother who is recovering from birth and adjusting to life as a new mum. And would respect that you’re not ready, realize that this is only temporary and know that when you are ready you will come together again. It really is that simple.

Secondly, no woman should ever feel pressured to have sex for any reason. Period. Just like bodily autonomy is of the utmost importance during birth it continues afterwards. Your body, your choices.

Thirdly, it takes a while to recover. I felt ready sooner after my csection then my vaginal birth but that was still over a month afterwards.

Finally, it is an individual decision that varies from couple to couple and no child expert can tell you when is the right time to resume having sex.

Yesterday I was watching the Circle, I don’t usually watch it but it was on and looked interesting. The only host saying she agreed with the expert had her twins via csection. No offense, but if you’ve never had a vaginal birth then you can’t really understand how different the recovery process is. It takes a while for it to feel normal again and you don’t want to rush the healing process.

A male host said it was like having your hand crushed in an accident and then being told to go around giving your mates a good firm handshake because they might think that you don’t like them anymore.

Now I don’t liken birth to an industrial accident, but I do like the analogy. If your partner can’t deal with the fact that they might have to wait a little while before resuming sex then they are being ridiculous.

Babies are full time jobs! Our biggest hurdle to our sex life in the early days was finding the time. Even our ‘easy’ baby would go to bed around 8/9pm then we’d fold washing or do dishes and go to bed at like 10 and the baby would wake for a feed at like 11/12. Not a big window for sleep. And if we had to wake up early the next day we’d choose sleep.

I don’t understand why anyone would recommend women have sex against their better judgement. Gina Ford calls herself a child expert despite having no children and calls her book the Contended Mother’s Guide.

Did she spell Father’s wrong?

Or is she writing for the 1950s housewife?

Here’s the article.

Defining Natural

It is safe to say that csections are not natural birth. They’re surgical births. And I’ve never heard anyone argue to the contrary.

However the definition of what is natural birth can cause some pretty stirring debate.

Some will argue that vaginal birth no matter what is natural birth. Even if it is induced, medicated and riddled with intervention.

Some would argue that only true unhindered birth without any intervention is natural childbirth and that natural childbirth can never be achieved in hospital because it’s an unnatural setting to birth in.

I’m somewhere in the middle.

To start I believe that a birth does not have to be natural to be empowering. Even csections can be positive and as long as the mother has a chance to make an informed choice then she should be proud of her labour and birth.

I do not believe that birth that is medicated is natural childbirth the same way I don’t believe that taking paracetamol to relieve a headache is natural.

I do not believe that birth using forceps or vacuum is natural childbirth. You may have labored naturally but an instrumental delivery is an assisted delivery. Same as walking the last 100m of a running race doesn’t equate to running the whole way. It’s still a huge effort that you should be extremely proud of, finishing is finishing and birthing unmedicated is birthing unmediated but forceps and vacuums are not natural.

I believe a natural birth means without unwanted intervention. I know some women get offended if you say their birth wasn’t natural because of xyz. That’s not my intention. I believe all women should feel empowered by the births of their children. But I don’t believe vaginal birth automatically means natural birth.

That being said I do believe a natural birth is possible in hospital but I do believe it’s difficult to achieve.

If you want a natural birth you are more likely to get it at home, and if you’re in Australia the Joyous Birth is the perfect Homebirth community for you.

BellyBelly has a great article on planning a natural birth.

I’ve never had a natural birth. I’ve had an empowering medicated vaginal birth and a traumatic planned csection.

What a shame he wasn’t a midwife

**WARNING – language**

So the OB who thought it appropriate to ‘ask’ a midwife to “stirrup the bitch” then call his patient a bitch, slut and whore, and then continue to stitch her vaginal and anal area without wearing gloves has been cleared of making rude comments.  And the fact that he drinks on the job and has downed a six pack in the hospital car park does not make him unfit to practise medicine.

I’m sorry, did we all take stupid pills this morning?

Too bad he wasn’t a midwife, he might have actually been punished.

When I see midwives who are supporting women in their birth choices going to jail or facing criminal charges, while this OB will still be ‘delivering’ babies it makes me sick.

Now I know the cases are different, there was no death in the “horse woman” case.  However, the OB doesn’t wear gloves and drinks on the job.  What’s it going to take for him to face disciplinary action?  Does he need to kill someone?  If midwives are going to be held accountable then OBs need to be too.  No one would go about calling a cancer patient a bitch, slut or whore if their treatment was a little more difficult, or if a patient with a spinal injury had an involuntary spasm that caused them to kick someone, and if they did they’d be in heap big trouble.

And the drinking thing.  I was a cook.  We would regularly get breath tested.  If you blew over (the limit was 0.0) then you were in a world of hurt – fines, extra duties, proving why you should stay in the Navy, rehab, perhaps even military prison.  I was working with food.

The military won’t let you get away with cooking bacon and eggs if you’ve had a few but the Australian Heath system may have just given OBs the nod to down a six pack before attending births.  What?

I can only imagine the trauma caused by this doctor.

It’s a truly bullshit system.

Personally I’d prefer this guy to attend my birth

At least he’s friendlier.

Love grows

It is often said that the instant you lay your eyes on your just-born baby you will immediately fall in love. And that this happens to every mother. And that no matter what happened during your pregnancy and birth that all will be forgotten when you hold your baby.

But what if you don’t feel that instant connection?

Are you broken if your heart doesn’t swell with affection for this tiny person?

And what about those who are separated from their baby? Whose baby is whisked off from testing, hooked up to all manner of machine, where physical contact is limited and the time spent together is bittersweet knowing that soon you’ll be back on the ward alone without your baby listening to other babies cry?

Is it okay to not be in love with your baby from the word go?

It’s more common then you think, mothers who aren’t instantly in love with their baby, and it’s okay.

When my son was born I didn’t see him until he was 3 hours old. I saw him briefly (I was still sedated from the GA) and then I was wheeled up to the ward. I fought through sedation for 3 hours to finally get into a wheelchair and go down to see my son. He was on CPAP and I wasn’t allowed to touch him. I tried everything to wake myself up, including eating, drinking, a shower, sitting up, demanding drips being taken out, I tried everything.

At 9 hours old I held him and fed him. For the next 24 hours I was only able to hold him every 3 hours, when he was to be fed. And the next 5 days it was every 4 hours. Though when he wasn’t in my arms I spent every second I could by his side.

On the night of day 6 we were allowed to room in. And so I closed the door, got into the double bed and co-slept with my tiny babe, skin to skin. Finally.

I loved my baby but I wasn’t feeling that overwhelming bliss that other mothers feel when they have a brand new baby. I was in survival mode, I was fighting to get my baby back, and falling head over heels was letting my guard down. So I fought, and I fought hard, because I loved my baby and needed to get him home so I could let myself go and to finally feel that high other mothers describe.

And once we got home and things slowed down I had the time to get to know this amazing little person who I am proud to call my son.

And our bond grew close and my love grew. 1 year on we’re a world away from where we were.

But not instantly being besotted with your child is scary. You feel judged, you feel lonely in your emotions, you feel tremendous guilt, you feel like a monster – after all who doesn’t love their own child!

And seeing so many others talk about how much they love their babies, it hurts.

Motherhood can be so overwhelming and confusing.

We picture ourselves just having had our baby feeling loved up, on cloud 9, feeling a rush of emotion, couldn’t be happier – so feeling anything else is scary.

But it’s not only women who have sick or premature babies who can feel this way.

After a long exhausting birth a mother with a healthy term baby may feel so overwhelmed that after a quick cuddle she just wants to sleep.

Some mothers may find the practicalities of dealing with a newborn overwhelming and may find themselves in almost a state of shock.

Sometimes, creating a bond with your baby takes work.

And I wish someone had told me that beforehand because I might not have felt so guilty.

So what can you do to help bond with your baby?

Hugging, holding, and breastfeeding your baby is a great place to start, especially done skin to skin. Baby-led attachment is a great way to kick off a great breastfeeding relationship.

Even if your baby is in NICU you can breastfeed and still do skin to skin or kangaroo care. Premature babies thrive on skin to skin contact so try and get as much of it in as possible.

You might just have to fake it until you make it. You know how if you say something often enough you will eventually believe it? I remember saying “I love you” out loud over and over to my baby when we first got home. One day it just clicked, I DO love him. Really.

Co-sleep or bedshare and babywear.

Baby massage will release those loving hormones and calms and relaxes baby. And believe you me it is easier to love a baby who is calm and relaxed. Those beautiful relaxed gazes I got (and still get) when I massage my baby are just magic.

Breastfeed.

Nurture and care for yourself too. Make sure you are fed, rested and cared for and trust me everything else will just fall into place. Forget the housework, you can wash those clothes another day but you can’t rewind and get this moment with your 8 day old baby again.

And remember love grows. Bonding is not a now or never thing. You will feel more for that child then you ever thought possible.

Love grows.

It’s okay to be afraid

If you had of asked me the day before or even the morning of my wedding how I felt I would have said nervous, anxious, excited but a little scared.

I felt the same way the morning my first child’s birth was induced. Nervous about what was to come, anxious and worried about whether everything would be alright, excited that we’d soon be meeting our baby, but still a little scared not knowing what to expect having never birthed before.

I felt the same the morning I was wheeled down for the csection birth of my second son. It was my second child but totally different circumstances and new fears.

We’re told over and over that we shouldn’t fear birth, but I believe that fear is just one of the many emotions we feel before we birth. What’s important is working through those fears and having good support to help us work through those fears do we make decisions that are knowledge based not fear based.

What are you afraid of? Where can you find out more?

If you’re fearful of high mortality rates during birth then check out this website.

If you are worried that a natural birth might change things ‘down there’ then remember that this is what our bodies are designed to do and maybe have a chat to a midwife or doula about changes after birth. Many women say that sex is even better after birth.

But no one told me I’d lose all feeling from my belly button down to my csection scar and every time either myself or someone else touched it that it would feel totally freaky!

Do your research, knowledge is power. It is okay to be afraid and nervous, talk through your fears with someone in the know. Like a midwife or doula, but be sure the person you are talking to has your best interests at heart, you shouldn’t leave an appointment or meeting with them feeling rushed or unheard.

Have good support and make sure they are informed too. Your husband might not be giving birth but it’s important that he knows what is going on. Watch some birth videos together and have him read the books too.

How do you conquer fear? With knowledge. So ask questions, read, hire a doula, join forums, find a community of like-minded individuals who are able to share their birth stories, and if your fear is so big it consumes your every waking thought then there is no shame in seeking professional help from a counsellor.

-”Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” – Ambrose Redmoon