Attachment Parents Are The Best Parents

You heard it here, right from the horses mouth, Attachment Parents are the best and all other styles of parenting are negligent.

That’s right if you don’t subscribe to the AP way then you may as well leave your children in the woods to be raised by wild animals because they would do a far superior job.  If you bottle feed, sleep your baby in a cot, have a routine, feed your child puree, let them watch television before their 2nd birthday, send them to mainstream school or vaccinate you are truly a monster not worthy of being a mother.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  You are awful!  Your children will grow up to be detached emotionless criminals filling up our prisons and terrorizing our aging population.

I’m not serious.  I don’t believe that.  In fact many of the things listed I’ve done or plan to do in the future.  But just think.

How many times has it been said that attachment parenting creates unhealthy connections between mothers and babies, or spoils children, destorys marriages, elevates children to the position of parent, doesn’t give children the discipline or routine they need, is permissive.  Is wrong?

And that is seen as a normal critique of parental choices, yet on the flip side if you dare even think that a mother may not have her babies best interests at heart when she opens a copy of Tizzie Hall’s latest ‘book’ then you are JUDGING ME!

Let’s look at this seriously.  It’s okay to call anyone who has had a birth plan a Birthzilla but if you question the author on her choice to sleep train her infants you are a hater.  Truly, just ask about the Gift of Sleep in a less then complimentary fashion on Mia Freedman’s twitter, facebook or mamamia website, or the Gift of Sleep’s facebook and count the seconds before your comments are deleted and you are blocked.  In fact comments on the blog posts about The Gift of Sleep on Mamamia are totally blocked.  Apparently Mia Freedman is free to bash homebirthing women, anti-vaxxers, breastfeeding women and attachment parents but can’t take a hint of criticism herself.

And how many times have we been told that we’re creating a rod for our own back?  That our babies will never be off the breast.  That they will be in our bed FOREVER.  That this is our future

And we should be very very afraid.

Honestly, I’m not concnerned, if DS is still wanting a boob when he’s a grown man it certainly won’t be mine he’s chasing.

But seriously, why is it okay to say negative and horrible things to women choosing the attachment method of parenting but when they even casually question a more mainstream approach it is seen as judgement.  I have had nasty horrible things said to me especially regarding the apparent sexual nature of breastfeeding but when I simply stated “but isn’t a bottle just an imitation nipple” I was said to be mean, nasty, judging, it’s not my fault I couldn’t breastfeed, stop acting so superior.

Ho-Hum.

All I’m asking is this.  If you’re going to make broad sweeping statements about my parenting then be prepared to hear a few about yours.  I’m not going to lie down and take false accusations of stunting my childs development, or underhanded comments about the future of my marriage with a smile and a nod.  No way no how.  No.  I’m not that sort of woman.

Not when I have chosen my methods based on what is best for my child not always what is easiest or most convienent.  I don’t subscribe to the “happy mum happy baby” line to justify every decision that may have negative consequences.  I don’t believe this is a stage of my children’s life to simply be endured but a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Emotional stability comes from having a strong framework to begin with.

If you find my way of parenting confronting or if it makes you uncomfortable well I don’t apologize because quite frankly how other people (other then my children and husband) feel about how I run my house does not matter to me.  Yes I take into consideration the opinions of family, their opinions matter to me and I value them.  Random other mother, hate to break it to you but I don’t care if you think that I ruined my baby by “letting” him sleep in my bed, you don’t want to know what I think of your choice to stop breastfeeding at 8 weeks so you could go party with your girlfriends and leave the baby with your husband as per usual.

Spite?  Little bit.  I’m tired of defending my choices to people who judge in one breath and claim judgement in another.  We all judge, a lot.  It’s how we make choices about what is best for us.  Perhaps some people should take a look at what they’re about to say before they say it and ask themselves, am I adding to the conversation in a constructive way or am I pushing that person away with my ill-informed opinions?

The Gift of Sleep – A Review

I’ve read the Gift of Sleep. Despite being told by Mia Freedman herself that I would change my mind about it if I read it, my opinion remains the same.

What a load of rot.

Let’s start with their evidence.

From a more formal perspective, it would be remiss of me not to mention that in 2004 the Australian Association of Infant Mental Health released a Position Paper stating its concern for the practice of controlled crying (where ‘crying’ meant a child in distress rather than the fussing sounds a child makes when settling or adjusting to different circumstances). They also state, ‘Although controlled crying can stop children from crying, it
may teach children not to seek or expect support when distressed.’

Again, I urge you to read the sentence I have highlighted in bold.

This comes from Australian Association of Infant Mental Health, they are experts on Infant Mental Health and they are very much against controlled crying. They warn that controlled crying may stop a child from seeking help when they are distressed.

According to Elizabeth Sloane this isn’t reason not to use the method.

No, she’s not joking. Apparently infant mental health is not important in sleep training.

What happens to these babies when they grow up and have learnt not to get help when they communicate their needs? I shudder at the thought.

Murdoch Children’s Research Institute study on sleep interventions is mentioned a lot but is not delved into further then what is said on the website. Firstly, only 225 children were involved in the study, pretty small scope.

There is no mention of how the data was collected. How was their mental health studied? Was it by an extensive psychological review or simply by questionnaire?

The techniques “include” controlled crying but there is not mention of what else other then a positive bedtime routine. There is no mention of feeding methods, diet, whether or not they went to childcare, prematurity, birth factors etc. Controlled crying is just one factor, among many.

There seems to be a huge focus on maternal mental health, which while it is a factor, it seems to be that sleep is the only cure. It’s not.

Fact is that 5 hours IS sleeping through for an infant. And most babies have a big block of sleep at the start of the night. So the problem may not be with the baby at all, but the parent who still thinks its appropriate to stay up until 12am but then is tired because their baby wakes at 3 and then 5am. Baby had slept 7-3, a good 8 hour stretch, so what’s the problem? Go to bed at 8 and get a good nights sleep yourself.

Postnatal depression is a real and debilitating condition, I know, I’ve been there. But how about instead of setting up unrealistic expectations of our babies and causing them harm in order to “fix” them we do this instead -
Get good support from our partners and loved ones.
Sorry Dad but baby is here and it’s all hands on deck, we know you have to work tomorrow and we appreciate you bringing in an income but if the dishes need doing, washing needs folding or mum is struggling with a fussy bub it’s time to step up to the plate. Instead of throwing a tin of formula into the shopping trolley in hopes that baby will sleep better, how about you wear her around the house tonight so mum can catch up on some rest. How about instead of poker night just like you do every Friday night you stay home while mum goes to the movies for the first time in months, or gets a haircut, or sleeps. Or how about just asking the question every tired mum wants to hear, “is there anything you need me to do?”

Keep breastfeeding!
It reduces the risk of PND because of the lovely hormonal cocktail it releases. And trust me, nothing sucks more then standing on cold tiles in winter at 2am waiting for a bottle to heat up. Yuck!

Get your nutrition right
I was barely functioning until I started supplementing with high quality supplements, which I’m more than happy to share about if you want more information. It wasn’t lack of sleep, I was simply lacking in vitamins and minerals, fixed that and I unlocked so much energy.

Don’t be in a rush to do it all
Parenting is a full time job. In the first months when you’re learning to parent, put it first. Other things can wait. So many mums try to pile their plates up with everything, playgroups before their baby can even lift their head, gymbaroo, swimming lessons, must lose weight, must keep up with friends, must go back to work ASAP, and every day is busy busy busy. Well busy days make for busy nights. Babies don’t need to always be doing something, my daughters early days were almost always spent at home with a walk around the block or to the corner shop for lunch (oh how I miss that little cafe) in the middle of the day when she was most alert. Once a week we went to mothers group, after she was 6 weeks old. Quiet, peaceful days spent reading to her, cuddling, playing with her little toys, snuggling, talking, she would lay in her bouncer in the morning sun while I hung out the washing and talked to her, and she would have nappy free time in the afternoon sun in the kitchen while I got dinner ready. This was how I battled PND. Not by “fixing” her sleep, because she has always been a relatively good sleeper even if she did wake through the night on and off until she was, shock horror, 18 months old, but by going at a pace that was appropriate for her age group. After she started crawling and sleeping during the day less I slowly added more and more activities to our schedule. When our second baby arrived and we moved, again I dropped right back to once a fortnight doing a planned activity and having play dates at the house for our daughter so DS could sleep. Then as he got older slowly building up what we did, now that he’s almost 18 months and she will be (sob, growing up too fast) 3 next month we are out most days of the week. What’s my point? Well Keep It Simple Silly. Have you ever had a very busy day and then, even though you are soooo tired, the minute your head hits the pillow you just can’t stop thinking and you can’t get to sleep? Same thing happens to babies.

PND is complex.
It’s not just about babies sleep. Babies sleep doesn’t ruin lives, it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Poor sleep plus poor support plus poor advice that leave mums feeling inadequate, that’s what does it. If you have PND contact PANDA or Beyond Blue, see your GP or midwife. This ebook will not solve your issues, despite it’s claims.

The Gift of Sleep claims to be endorsed by the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute but I see nothing on the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute’s to back that claim up.

Some other things in the book that concern me.

They recommend that from day one baby should be in their own room. This is contradictory to SIDS recommendations.

They use the old rod for your back line when talking about cosleeping and refer to responding immediately to your newborn as helicopter parenting.

They recommend introducing a “sleep friend” from 5 months, this contradicts the recommendation of no toys in the cot according to SIDS guidelines.

Elizabeth Sloane is set to have 20 years experience working will babies. Okay, as what, what are her qualifications? It’s never mentioned and I am none the wiser of what she is actually trained to do. Despite Mia Freedman assuring me that if I read the book I would know. I don’t. To me it’s just another “expert” giving the same controlled crying crap in a different wrapper.

And finally we come to Mia herself. She is incredibly invested in this venture. Professionally, it is published by her company but also personally. She has used this method with her children. She needs to defend it because she did it. That’s why she is so up in arms over any criticism, that’s why she can’t respond professionally and deletes all negative comments, because to her this is personal.

Now I will admit in an hour of pure frustration after being woken for what felt like the millionth time I did half-heartedly try controlled crying, but it felt so wrong I couldn’t continue. Small changes to my sons diet, warming up his room, and introducing some white noise and he’s sleeping a good 7 hours at a stretch and then resettling after a quick feed. And I’m going to bed a little earlier to take full advantage of that extra sleep.

I’m an adult, I made the choice to have children, they need me at night, I go to them. I’m not just their mum from 7am to 7pm, I am their mum around the clock, and wanting a cuddle at midnight is not going to ruin their cognitive development but leaving them to cry and cry and cry might damage their emotional development.

Mia’s first mistake was sleeping on a mattress in her babies room while her husband had the bed. Keep the baby with you and everyone gets more sleep.

In short, don’t buy the Gift of Sleep save the $20 and your baby the tears.

If you want something to train, get a dog

Although I wouldn’t even submit my dog to the Tizzie Hall’s or Elizabeth Sloane’s of the world.

Let me put it this way. I often here about parents “not signing up for this” or their little ones being “unpredictable” or “out of schedule.”

Recently I heard about a mum who had a horrible night day 3 in hospital so was implementing a routine so it never happened again.

Seriously.

It seems this Elizabeth Sloane woman is the new flavor of the month. Her ebook has a forward by über bogan Mia Freedman. The method involved knocking on the door and scratching the carpet. Dead set.

I don’t know about you but if I were crying and someone started knocking on the door loudly shhhhing me I would actually be quite offended, if it were my partner or my parent I would be confused, if they can hear I’m upset then why aren’t the helping me?

As for the carpet scratching, well if I were crying and my husband started scratching on the carpet I’d probably suggest he seek out some professional help, that’s just crazy.

Now we haven’t been having the best of nights. A combination of stress due to break ins, and my sons teething means at 16 months he still doesn’t sleep through. But that is okay. He’s having a hard time not giving me one. And yes it is frustrating and yes I would love a night sleeping right the way through, but it will happen and in the mean time I just do what needs to be done, rocking, patting, feeding, it doesn’t take long to get him sleeping again.

We also recently got a dog. He’s a beautiful little Maltese x shih tzu who we call Raafy.

Now he sleeps in our bed at night, sometimes at our feet and sometimes snuggled in between hubby and I. I’ve woken to find him asleep on a coat I accidentally left on the floor and often he will follow me into DSs room when I go to feed him or resettle him. He doesn’t bark or even make a noise, if I didn’t know he had followed me I wouldn’t even notice he was there. When he’s tired he lays down and has a sleep, if the room is too loud he moves to another. He eats when he’s hungry and drinks when he’s thirsty. And he’s not a feral brat of a dog, he is content. We all need some “puppy training” so we can work well together, especially the kids, but all is well.

The same goes for my kids. They eat when they’re hungry, drink when they’re thirsty, sleep when they’re tired. And so do I.

And we’re all content.

What’s my point? My point is that if something sounds cruel and unusual then it probably. Scratching carpet or knocking loudly on the door isn’t a settling technique, it’s something a parent does to justify ignoring their babies legitimate need to be with their mother. It’s done so they can say, I didn’t leave her to cry, at 5 minutes I went and knocked on the door so she knew I was there. It’s an excuse, it’s a cry it out method. Children don’t learn, they just give up on getting what they need by communicating through crying. Simple.

Harsh? Probably. Sometimes things just can’t be sugar coated.

The Gift of Sleep is a method designed for convenience of parents not to help the baby sleep.

Considering when I suggested that leaving her baby with a relative stranger and drinking a glass of wine and watching Telly while said stranger used controlled crying methods on her small baby possibly wasn’t the best parenting choice Mia Freedman exclaimed “Quick!! Call DOCS!!” and then blocked me on twitter, I doubt she is going to engage any critics in any form of intelligent conversation about the ebook. That just raises more red flags for me.

Babies are demanding, their sleep isn’t always consistent and not all babies sleep through before 6 weeks let alone 6 months. With that in mind I think we need realistic expectations of baby behavior not cruel methods that could be damaging to a babies mental health.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution -Success!

I love Elizabeth Pantley.

Truly, I do.

I had been breastfeeding my son to sleep every nap and every bedtime since day dot. Which was fine. Until it stopped working. And then he was up multiple times a night and waking ridiculously early.

At first I thought Wonder Week, and granted the WW did make things more difficult. But in reality the real issue was what had worked in the past was no longer working and as he became more aware of the world he needed to learn to fall asleep on his own so he could stay asleep without me.

Everything seemed to tell me either suck it up or cry it out. There had to be a way that was respectful to DS, fitted our attachment parenting principles and would help us work through our sleeping issues.

Now I’ve had The No-Cry Sleep Solution for a while and I had half-heartedly applied the principles every now and again but I was never committed. He was content breastfeeding to sleep, he would sleep long stretches and there was no need for big changes.

Until it all changed.

Fact is no one can run on minimal sleep forever. It doesn’t work. Feeling tired and cranky and being frustrated and angry fits about as well with my parenting philosophy as controlled crying does.

So at 4am one morning I picked the book up off the shelf and wrote in pen, that’s how serious I was , our plan. I wrote the nightly routine, the ways if encourage naps, our sleepy words (“good night Sam”), and I committed to the Pantley pull off plan.

It took a good 8 weeks. We moved onto the next phase of the plan once we were both comfortable and confident with the last one. There was no rushing through it. It was one step at a time.

And there have been bumps in the road, teeth have come through, hot sticky Townsville nights, and holidays with family including a virus that just threw a big spanner in the works, not to mention WWs which always slow any progress. But progress we have made and I can now saw at tired signs I scoop him up, lots of cuddles, fresh nappy, more cuddles, into bed with lullaby puppy switched on to cut out the noisy toddler, good night Sam and off to bed.

It has worked! Up once overnight and settles quickly and waking at a reasonable hour each morning.

To those who are using the No-Cry Sleep Solution it is well worth sticking with it. You may be a week or so in and thinking that you’re getting no where fast and it’s not worth all this effort. It’s not as instant as controlled crying methods because it goes at the babies pace. It follows her lead and only moves to the next step when she’s ready. It’s all about making small changes gradually. And without the guilt.

Throughout the whole process I never worried that I was pushing him too far or too fast because he set the pace. If he wasn’t ready to be settled out of my arms yet, then we didn’t. Simple as that.

If you’re ready to make changes and want to change your baby’s sleep habits in a way that is respectful to the needs of both of you. Then check the book out.

I’ll be reading the No-Cry Discipline Solution soon .

Why is everybody judging me?

There is a post about controlled crying and cry it out that is doing the rounds on ‘mommy blog’ pages on Facebook. It turns out you either love it or you don’t.

I don’t.

Right from the title it seems as those this blogger is set out to be controversial. Her tone is overally aggressive and the whole thing just reads like someone who is uncomfortable with their choices trying to stop everyone ‘judging them.’

Why bother?

Does anyone really care THAT MUCH about the parenting choices of others? Really?

Honestly, I don’t think babies need to be soothed every time they cry. Sure, when they are younger than 6 months, or they’re sick or hungry, yes, they should be tended to quickly. But, sometimes they’re just annoyed or pissed, and that’s okay. They can feel that way. Those are emotions they can navigate on their own sometimes.

Is this not her passing a judgement on the way other parents, say people like me, chose to parent? I personally believe that no one should ever cry alone. So my children don’t.

When I cry I hug my husband or if he is at work, I call my mum, dad, sister, brother, or a friend.

My children are so very young (2 and a half and almost 1) they do not yet have the ability to actively seek out someone to comfort them. Their cries are a distress beacon and it my duty as their mother to respond to them.

Now I’m probably going to be called judgemental for this and be told I’m just adding fuel to the fire that is the ‘mommy wars.’ This blogger is making parenting choices and it is her right to do so as a mother.

Okay. Where have I said she’s a bad person or a bad parent? I don’t think she is at all. From that small snippet of her reality i would say she sounds tired and strung out, I’d probably suggest she stop caring what others think and just focus on herself and her baby, but I wouldn’t call her a bad mother – period.

I think the call to stop the judgment is unnecessary. We all judge and we always will. It’s how we decide what will and what won’t work for our families.

If I were making decisions that could potetionally have a negative impact on my children I would hope a friend would say “oi! Amanda! What the flipping heck do you think you’re doing! It’s been ages, he’s distressed pick him up!” instead of nodding, saying it must be hard and telling me I’m doing a great job when I am clearly struggling.

In fact when I was being particularly down on myself it was the posts telling me to fix it rather then hugs that helped the most. I appreciated the hugs, I really did, but the snap out of it try this instead was what really helped.

I think we’re all too afraid of hurting each others feelings. I think a real friend will make you a beverage (tea, coffee, cocoa, bourbon and coke, gin for the failsafers ), sit down with you and tell you the truth.
“Listen Amanda, I’m worried about you and the boy child, what’s happening and what can I do to help?”

Offer some suggestions and be there to listen without the good girl and “well that’s your parenting choice and I totally support that.”

True support does not mean always agreeing blindly.

So where to from here? I agree the mean needs to go from the online parenting community, but it won’t. We’re still ‘allowed’ to have opinions, and we should, if we don’t discuss then we can’t learn.

So I won’t be ‘pledging’ not to judge, but I won’t be mean AND I won’t be compromising on my beliefs.

Going to sleep

Every night before I go to bed I like to relax a little bit before hand. Watch some television, do some knitting, eat some chocolate something healthy, chat to my husband. Then brush my teeth, shower, lie down, maybe chat to my husband a bit more and then go to sleep.

Unless I wind down, I don’t sleep well.

So why expect babies and children to go to sleep right away without an opportunity to wind down or relax?

Breastfeeding my son relaxes him and helps him fall to sleep, I’m sure when he’s ready he’ll replace breastfeeding with some other relaxing activity. When he’s ready.

No-Cry Sleep Solutions

We all want a good nights sleep, we all want to wake up feeling refreshed and recharged, we all want to know why everyone else’s baby is ‘finally’ sleeping through – and ours is apparently broken because she still wakes four hourly for feeds.

Many so-called sleep solutions will offer a one sized fits all approach, by x months your child will have x sleeps at blah o’clock and blah o’clock and will feed at a b and c and will not need feeding overnight.

If someone is giving you timings for sleep. feeds or bedtime without first meeting you or your child, disregard the advice.  How can they know what’s best for a baby without even laying eyes upon him?

I personally like the No-Cry Sleep Solution and Pinky McKay’s books.  Great advice, a good range of suggestions, without guilting the mother into thinking she has ‘created’ sleep problems and without forcing a routine or a set settling technique.

In The No-Cry Sleep Solution, the mother is encouraged to pick from a wide range of settling options and to use only what she feels will work for her child.  There is a HUGE range of settling suggestions, for newborns right through to toddlers dealing with a range of sleeping issues from waking frequently to needing a dummy to fall asleep.  Mum and dad write a sleeping plan and set realistic goals and track their progress every 10 days.  Elizabeth Pantley is onto a good thing, and I often hear success stories using her gentle and baby friendly methods.

Pinky McKay – I could sing her praises all day long!  I bought 100 Ways To Calm the Crying when my first was very young and since then have often referred to it when I feel I’m losing my mummy zen.  It’s a bit dog eared and worn now, but after two children who both have at times difficulty sleeping, I’m not surprised.  I’ve also got Sleeping like a Baby and Parenting by Heart, both are excellent books.  I recommend Pinky McKay to any mum who needs a little help.  Pinky McKay outlines what is normal sleep for babies and children and offers practical gentle techniques to help a baby settle and sleep.

Both methods recommend a before bed ritual and to follow it relatively the same each night, which I personally believe is key to gentle settling for sleep.  Babies love to know what’s coming next and winding down for the day really helps baby off to sleep.

At my house we have dinner, then a bath or shower, then a massage, then a cuddle for the toddler and a breastfeed for the baby, and then into bed.  Too easy.

Pinky McKay details what tired cues are.  I think it is essential in the first weeks and months of a babies life to really watch them and learn their cues.  What does she do when she’s tired?  Does she make jerky movements?  Do her eyes go red around the edges?  Does she begin to make hacking cries?  Does she root around for the breast with less vigour then say if she were looking for a feed after a sleep?  Learn the cues and you’ll be able to get baby settling for a sleep BEFORE the crying that comes with over-tiredness.

One thing I truly believe is that children thrive on an early bedtime.  It prevents that overtired state and makes settling so much easier.  Last night after a flight from Townsville to Brisbane and then a car ride I was trying to get my toddler to sleep at… 11PM!  It eventually happened, but it was the hardest bedtime in a long time.

The most important thing to remember about settling and sleeping is that babies will sleep through in their own time.  My daughter slept through from 16 months.  For 16 months I got out of bed every single night to feed her.  By 8 months she was having her feed and falling asleep before I even got her back in bed.  My son slept through at 8 months.  But he’s always been a sleepier kid.  In no way do I think he’s ‘normal’ or that should be the ‘standard.’  No doubt he will wake again through wonder weeks and teething, and I’m prepared for more sleepless nights and night feeds.

Do not compare your baby to others in your mothers group or playgroup.  Remember that unfortunately some people feel the need to brag about their babies, and usually sleeping through the night is the first thing they bang on about.  Their baby sleeps, who cares.  Remember that frequent waking through the night is a good measure for preventing SIDS and I always found those night waking reassuring when they were very small.  Don’t forget those extra feeds regulate your milk supply and every breastfeed is a boost to babies immune system.

Here is the information on the No-Cry Sleep Solution, an A grade book in my opinion.

Here is Pinky McKay’s website, who in my opinion is the sleep guru.

And I want to leave you with one final thought, yes tonight you may be up once, twice, four times or more rocking, feeding and loving your baby to sleep.  Yes at times it may be frustrating and yes it may be hard.  But in the blink of an eye that babe will be a toddler, and a child, and a teenager and before you know it you’ll be wondering when they’re coming to visit next and missing those baby days that seemed oh so simple.  Love your babies, enjoy them, these days do not last.

 

If the boot fits…

Advocates of the Save Our Sleep method and even Tizzie Hall herself claim that her method does not involve controlled crying or cry it out techniques.  However, on page 72 of her book plain as day she instructs mothers of newborns to swaddle their babies put them in their cots and ignore their cries while they go to the kitchen, boil the kettle, make a cuppa and drink it.  Then comfort them if they are still crying.

I’m not making this up.

Ignore your baby while you make yourself a drink and then consume it.  But it’s not controlled crying?

Feed your baby when they’re hungry, but stick to the schedule?

Follow this book but trust your instincts?

Just watching a video of Tizzie Hall on Irish TV where she compares breastmilk to cows milk and calls foremilk unmade milk makes me believe she has no idea what she’s doing and that it’s all a bunch of made up bullshit.

I’ve heard it from Babywisers as well, yet in Ezzo’s book he suggests parents leave their baby in their cot to cry for up to 45 minutes to an hour.  Babies learn quickly from natural consequences.

Now I accept that people will use these methods despite the overwhelming evidence against them.      However I wish people would call it what it is, controlled crying.

You believe in the method, you love the routine, it works for you… So call it what it is!

There is a thread of good advice through most baby books, early bedtime is better for babies, good day sleeps encourage good sleep at night as your baby isn’t overtired, watch for tired signs, ensure your baby is well fed, put your baby to sleep where you intend for them to wake up etc etc etc.  You’ll find these tips in Babybliss, Save Our Sleep, from the ABA, from Pinky McKay… They’re common sense!

You won’t read Pinky telling parents to leave a newborn while you have a cup of tea, or the Australian Breastfeeding Association telling you foremilk is unmade milk and therefore you need to feed less often, because these things make no sense.

I’m not saying routine doesnt have a place in parenting. Not at all.  I think a baby set routine is wonderful.  After you’ve introduced solids and your baby is having regular meals, take a mental note of your babies sleep times for about a week and see if you notice a pattern.  Is your baby an early riser with a long morning nap and a afternoon cat nap?  Or does she sleep in and get her day sleep in short bursts?

In the No-Cry Sleep Solution Elizabeth Pantley suggests it takes 40 weeks to set a babies body clock so it stands to reason that at around the 40 week mark a baby may begin to have a noticeable sleep pattern.

Both my children have been early risers because daddy goes to work early, so at 5am there’s the hum of early morning activity, shower, shaving, shuffle of a work bag, front door creaking open, in what was an otherwise silent sleeping house.  They’ve both had morning naps at around the 8.30-9am mark.  They’ve both had afternoon naps.  We have dinner at 5.30 as I like an early evening meal, and bedtime has slotted in around 6.30-7pm.

It’s what’s worked for us.

But a one sized fits all approach assumes all babies, all family situations are the same.  And they’re not.

So do parents with babies who always wake at 5am after a parents alarm goes off persist with settling so they sleep until the prescribed time?  If their baby is tired at 6.30pm do they keep them up cos Tizzie says so?

And what about feeding?  Do you hold until until the right time for a breastfeed even though it’s 35 degrees and baby doesn’t have the ability to say, hey mum I’m thirsty!

Some babies may only need a feed every 3 hours, but some need it more often, and some don’t have any regularity to their feeding pattern at all.

I’m not against parents who have used methods of parenting different to my own.  I have had great conversations and swapped ideas with parents who have used controlled crying, though I don’t agree with it.  But in reality those who say they’ve used controlled crying are usually more reasonable.

Those parents who say they’ve followed a controlled crying method are usually more willing to enter into discussion then those who say something along the lines of “its not controlled crying if you think it is then you clearly haven’t read the book.”

We have great opportunities to learn from each other if we are open to new ideas and willing to be open with our own.

Tomorrow’s Adults Are Today’s Children

A lot of what we do as parents is thought to be acceptable that would never be acceptable if we were dealing with another adult simply because children aren’t believed to be people yet.

Not really anyway.

Think about the following statements.

“My wife kept wanting to be held or cuddled at night, it was really disrupting my sleep. I knew she had been really struggling with a cold and having difficulty sleeping. Last night I just had to let her cry, she needed to get the message that I can’t just hold her whenever she pleases.”

“My wife wouldn’t do as I ask of her. So I smacked her. It wasn’t that hard really, though she did cry about it, and she needed to learn the lesson.”

Replace wife with baby or child. It’s the same thing.

But it’s not okay to deny your spouse or partner love and affection, and it’s absolutely not alright to beat your partner no matter how they ‘disobey’ you. So why is it okay for children?

Because we see children as less then people. They’re more like property.

And it makes sense. We chose to have children, by following through with a pregnancy and not choosing adoption we have chosen to be parents. We spend extreme amounts of money to clothe, feed, transport and protect them. There’s nappies, wipes, onesies, car seats, prams, baby carriers, wraps… Even the most frugal shoppers will still end up forking out for their newest family member. Subconsciously we buy our babies. We own them. They’re ours.

Then there is the very fact that it is so so hard to imagine this baby as a walking, talking, reasoning adult when they’re still unaware that the thing attached to the end of their wrist is their hand. Or where do my feet go when mama puts my socks on?

Toddlers make even less sense. 3 pairs of underpants today? Really? All at once?

Finally, we do everything for them. From wiping their bottoms to feeding them. We prepare every meal, wash every dish, arrange every playdate, settle for every sleep etc etc etc it’s easy to feel like a zookeeper rather then a parent to future adults.

But you are and the newborn days are fleeting. Soon you’re flooded with questions from an inquisitive toddler and it all starts coming together.

It is so important when parenting to remember that our babies are people with real emotions. They cry not to annoy or frustrate but because they feel genuine sadness, anger, loneliness, fear etc. It’s best to cure the source of the crying rather then ignore and hope the crying will stop.

Babies are entitled to bodily autonomy. A boy’s penis belong to the boy, a mothers personal choice is not am acceptable reason to circumcise. Let the owner of the foreskin decide what to do with it.

Smacking violates a child’s basic rights. A child should be able to trust his parents unconditionally. Smacking violates that trust.

There is no magic age at which a child becomes a person, because they always were a person. A majority of our laws are designed to protect children, like car seat laws, spanking a child should be classed as assault, but it’s not.

This is not to say that all parents should parent in exactly the same way, I don’t believe that at all. However I believe all choices should be made with respect.

Further Reading
Parenting by Heart by Pinky McKay
Children Are People Too by Dr Louise Porter

When babies stop sleeping

My baby was sleeping well and now isn’t, HELP!

Remain calm, do not panic. How old is your baby?

4 months.

Light bulb moment. 4 month old sleep regression.

Sleep regression? Wonder weeks? Growth spurts?

All babies go through periods of heightened growth and development. As their worlds change and their abilities increase, they also have big changes going on in their brain often leading to periods of crankiness, clinginess and crying.

Some people call it growth spurts, others wonder weeks and some have termed it sleep regression. What you call it does not matter.

It can seem like it goes on forever, especially if you have teething and illness on top of it. A friend of mine haw had 3 straight months of illness on top of wonder weeks, and I think of her often and how she’s doing it tough.

How do you know when one is coming?
I have the wonder weeks app, and when I notice my baby being particularly cranky I check the app, surprise surprise it’s a wonder week. You can also buy the book, The Wonder Weeks or go the wonder weeks website

How do we get survive a period of sleep regression?
The first thing you do is slow right down. Peaceful days encourage peaceful nights. It migh be inconvenient to rearrange your schedule but it could make all the difference.

Vent and accept support. Vent in a safe way, phone a friend, write in a blog or parenting forum, put your baby down somewhere safe like in a cot/bassinet/on the floor/in a bouncer and walk away for 5 minutes to calm down. Accept offers of help as they come your way.

Forget about the housework. It doesnt matter if the house is a wreck when you finally get baby down for a nap, you go for a nap.

Remember that your baby will be learning something new and when all this finishes they’ll have something new to show you.

It’s only temporary, they will get back to sleeping eventually and it will be like this never happened.

Am I creating a rod for my own back?
By gently parenting your baby through their period if heightened clinginess you are not creating a rod for your own back or spoiling your baby. Quite the opposite. You’re tending to your babies needs, facilitating the extra learning and maintaining the healthy attachment. There is no need to start a stricter routine or regime around sleep during a wonder week. More cuddles and closeness will make it easier on both of you.

But my baby doesn’t need feeding during the night anymore, should I offer water instead?
Babies needs, especially for feeding, isn’t cut and dry. My first would go without a night feed for a while and then want her bottle again for a few weeks, it would go in cycles. I wouldn’t deny a baby under 2 years of age a night feed, but that’s my personal feeling on it. I defiantly wouldn’t night wean before 1 year or limit access to the boob at all before 1 year, but again that is my personal feeling. I have found offering a feed straight away in the dark without talking let’s baby know it’s night time it’s bed time and you’re either feeding or sleeping. The few times I tried to settle without a milk feed when my daughter was around 14 months took so much longer, she got distressed and in the end she would wake earlier for a feed anyway. I also resettle after 45 minutes with a breastfeed as well. But again, each to their own.

We’ve been following Save Our Sleep and she doesn’t mention sleep regression or these wonder weeks, what should I do?
Even babies who have been sleep trained can start waking through the night during a growth spurt or wonder week, and then what? More crying, more distress, mothers feeling like failures because their baby is deviating from the ‘plan.’. On Becoming Babywise suggests that babies sleep through from 8 weeks with no night feeds, no mention of differing needs during mental leaps there.

The best thing is to forget any set routine or regime during this period of mental growth. They aren’t doing this to annoy you, your baby is genuinely having a difficult time with a huge increase of brain activity as they learn something new. They haven’t read the book and they don’t know that they aren’t ‘allowed’ to start waking again.

I have found with both my children when they woke in the night that gentle settling techniques helped my babies get back to sleep calmly and stopped them from revving themselves up too much. It also helped me get to sleep quicker, loud crying would startle me awake, gentle rocking makes me sleepy and relaxed, I fall asleep much better.

A heightened period of mental development isn’t the time to start something new either, there’s already so much going on that I wouldn’t expect much of it to be retained let alone work.

You need to do what works for you during this period without worrying about ruining the routine or not sticking to the plan.

When does it end?
Shortly after her first birthday my daughter stopped having these periods of fussiness now that I think about it. She still does have growth spurts but she just ends up eating everything and wakes up in the morning demanding nutella sandwiches and big glasses of milk. I find a majority of her frustration, tantrums and crankiness come down to two things – needing a nap or inability to communicate, and it no longer goes on for weeks at a time.