Safe sleep for babies

Facebook is a wonderful way of connecting with people. And a great tool to find out what is going on in the world around us.

My friends list has many like-minded parents and women I admire on it. So when I saw yesterday that Pinky McKay would be appearing on the Project I had to check it out.

She was wonderful. She talked about safe co-sleeping and said exactly what all women need to hear, that ultimately they are the expert when it comes to their baby and parenting decisions are theirs to make.

Pinky, you rock!

The rest of the segment was cringe worthy. Filled with scare mongering and statistics manipulated to prove their point.

Did you know almost half of SIDS deaths happen while co-sleeping?

Doesn’t that mean over half the deaths happen while NOT co-sleeping?

QUICK BAN THE COT!

No mention of course of whether drugs, alcohol, smoking, formula feeding, sleep apnea, or prescription medications were used. All bed sharing risk factors. No mention either of the kind of bedding used or how the bed was set up. Just that the baby was in bed with it’s parent.

Let’s face it, putting your baby to bed anywhere has risks. It needs to be a clear surface free of heavy blankets, pillows, bumpers, gaps between the mattress and rails. This goes for the cot and the family bed.

With 80% of parents taking their baby to bed between birth to 6 months it is time to stop telling parents that everything they do is wrong and they’re going to kill their baby and start telling them how to parent safely.

Don’t drink around your baby. Don’t smoke around your baby. Avoid medications that make you drowsy if possible and if you can’t put them in their own sleeping space. If possible, breastfeed – breastfed babies are more alert and wakeful which means their risk of SIDS is lower then formula-fed babies. Don’t use thick doonas, there are plenty of warm options that aren’t thick and heavy.

I co-slept although both times it was for a short time but we did so safely and my babies were never at risk.

For more information on the co-sleeping concerns, Dr Sears has written this on his website.

On Burning Babywise

So I’ve just finished reading On Becoming Babywise II by Gary Ezzo.

Sigh.

Where do I begin?

To start with its an incredibly sexist book and stinks of the husband being the head of the household and everyone else being subservient. Don’t bother even touching this book if you’re not married. The first chapter talks about the importance of marriage and how it lays the moral foundations for children. Okay. While I believe that a stable home is incredibly important for children I think that can be provided married or not.

Ezzo then attacks child centered parenting. Apparently, and these are direct quotes, the dangers of child-centered parenting are as follows -

1. Child-centered parenting attacks the husband-wife relationship by reducing its practical significance.
2. Child-centered parenting reverses the natural process of moral developing by prematurely creating within a child a false sense of self-reliance.
3. Child-centered parenting fosters family independence, not family interdepence.
4. Child-centered parenting magnifies conflict between the natural way of a child and his or her need for moral conformity.
5. Child-centered parenting is reactive not proactive.

In other words, Mr Ezzo has no idea what he’s talking about.

1. Most couples practicing attachment parenting understand the importance of the formative years of their childs life and work as a team. My DH and I are attachment parents and our marriage is stronger since having the children. We make time for each other and have alone time. We just put family time as the highest priority.

2. Self-reliant? Hardly. This book is aimed at children 5-15 months so my son fits in that bracket. He relies completely on myself and my husband for survival. Yes he is learning to self-regulate how much he eats, how much sleep he needs, when he’s had enough play time, and allowing him to do so teaches him self-control. In her book Baby Led Weaning Gill Rapley talks about BLW and it’s link to self-regulating the appetite and spoon feeding purée being more likely to result in a lack of self-control when eating as an adult.

3. Neither of my children are the center of the family rather we work as a family unit ensuring EVERYONES needs within the family are met in a way that brings everyone happiness. Yes as the adults we make most of the decisions HOWEVER what the children like or do not like or want or need is ALWAYS taken into consideration. We want our children to learn compromise not automatic obedience.

4. This assumes that attachment parenting involves no correction or direction, far from it. It’s just done in a manner that is respectful to the child.

5. This assumes that attachment parents don’t do anything until the child cries out. No. Again. Wrong. This is why I dislike the use of the term demand feeding, it should be called cue feeding because we watch for our babies hunger signs not cries. It’s all about watching and listening. You can tell that a 5 month old is hungry long before she cries.

I do agree that your relationship still needs nurturing even after your baby is here. There needs to be balance though.

Solids Advice

So this is where it gets confusing, he says that milk is important until 1 but then downplays the importance of breastmilk (Breastfeeding for more than a year is a preference, since adequate alternates to breastmilk are usually available. OBBII p.51)

The weirdest piece of advice is to offer one breast then solids then the other breast or half the bottle then solids then the other half. Everything else I’ve read about introducing solids says milk first at least half an hour before. Later in the book he suggests babies may be waking at night because they need more solids, absolute myth.

Then it gets really strange. There’s a whole chapter on Highchair Manners. For offenses such as flipping the plate, dropping or throwing food, playing with food, placing messy hands in the hair, banging on the tray, standing in the Highchair, arching the back, spitting raspberries or screaming and fussy he suggests verbal correction (okay, I do this, I try to stay calm, although will admit to being less then calm when my then 8 month old threw handfuls of cous cous on the floor and then smeared sauce all through my hair when I picked him up, I say “we don’t throw food” or “please don’t put weetbix in your hair” or whatever, calm, polite, requesting, it might take a long time but doing the same I have a 2 and a half year old with wonderful table manners that have been modeled to her.)

Then Ezzo suggests isolation in the crib. For normal baby behaviour. And then loss of privileges or toys. And then “a light to moderate squeeze of the hand.”. He then claims its attention getting and a teaching tool that won’t leave your child paychologically scarred, affect the child’s self-esteem, train the child to hit other children, teach the child violence, or cause the child abuse in adulthood.

We know better then this. When I was a child spanking was commonplace and accepted. I was spanked, though not often, and I have no ill-feeling towards my parents or my upbringing. But I’m lucky, I escaped potential negative consequence, but I don’t want to risk that for my children.

When we know better we do better.

Here is an article about spanking and here is a report. It states that -

Corporal punishment… is a predictor of poorer child mental health (12 of 12 studies), eroded parent-child relationships (13 of 13 studies), weaker internalization of moral standards (13 of 15 studies), increased child aggression (27 of 27 studies), and increased child anti-social behaviour (11 of 12 studies.)

Total opposite of Ezzo’s claim. I know what you’re thinking he’s only suggesting a moderate squeeze. But he says you need to create discomfort. Later in the chapter Some Thoughts About Discipline he warns parents that they need to correct childishness and foolishness. That children (as young as 5 months mind you) need to learn first time obedience and using a mild attention getting swat when a baby touches something they shouldn’t.

How heart breaking. Smacking a baby.

Naptime is next topic and sleep time. What struck me is this.
Rule one: Mom, not baby, decides when the nap starts.
Rule two:Mum, not baby, decides when the nap ends.

What a load. My child is a human being not a robot, he sleeps when he’s tired and wakes up when he’s not anymore, simple. This is not a power struggle. It warns against putting baby in bed with you even if they are in pain or sick.

The baby sign stuff is pretty cool, but if you want to learn about baby sign by an actual baby sign book, it’s more in depth and has more signs and their uses.

Hints on potty training. Pretty generic stuff until…
“If your child is still on a bottle, is not on any routine during the day, is not sleeping through the night, naps in-consistently, sleeps with you or doesn’t obey instructions, then toileting will not come easy. You must deal with those issues first.

So if your baby isn’t ‘performing’ then you aren’t.

CONCLUSION
I’ve never read something more horrible in my life. It’s all about baby training not parenting. Babies aren’t meant to behave perfectly every time. A mothers day isn’t suppose to center around baby schedules and discipline of her 5-15 month old. Attachment parenting allows for flexibility and for the needs of both the parents AND the children to be met.

If you believe in treating children and babies with love, kindness and respect then do not follow Ezzo.

When babies stop sleeping

My baby was sleeping well and now isn’t, HELP!

Remain calm, do not panic. How old is your baby?

4 months.

Light bulb moment. 4 month old sleep regression.

Sleep regression? Wonder weeks? Growth spurts?

All babies go through periods of heightened growth and development. As their worlds change and their abilities increase, they also have big changes going on in their brain often leading to periods of crankiness, clinginess and crying.

Some people call it growth spurts, others wonder weeks and some have termed it sleep regression. What you call it does not matter.

It can seem like it goes on forever, especially if you have teething and illness on top of it. A friend of mine haw had 3 straight months of illness on top of wonder weeks, and I think of her often and how she’s doing it tough.

How do you know when one is coming?
I have the wonder weeks app, and when I notice my baby being particularly cranky I check the app, surprise surprise it’s a wonder week. You can also buy the book, The Wonder Weeks or go the wonder weeks website

How do we get survive a period of sleep regression?
The first thing you do is slow right down. Peaceful days encourage peaceful nights. It migh be inconvenient to rearrange your schedule but it could make all the difference.

Vent and accept support. Vent in a safe way, phone a friend, write in a blog or parenting forum, put your baby down somewhere safe like in a cot/bassinet/on the floor/in a bouncer and walk away for 5 minutes to calm down. Accept offers of help as they come your way.

Forget about the housework. It doesnt matter if the house is a wreck when you finally get baby down for a nap, you go for a nap.

Remember that your baby will be learning something new and when all this finishes they’ll have something new to show you.

It’s only temporary, they will get back to sleeping eventually and it will be like this never happened.

Am I creating a rod for my own back?
By gently parenting your baby through their period if heightened clinginess you are not creating a rod for your own back or spoiling your baby. Quite the opposite. You’re tending to your babies needs, facilitating the extra learning and maintaining the healthy attachment. There is no need to start a stricter routine or regime around sleep during a wonder week. More cuddles and closeness will make it easier on both of you.

But my baby doesn’t need feeding during the night anymore, should I offer water instead?
Babies needs, especially for feeding, isn’t cut and dry. My first would go without a night feed for a while and then want her bottle again for a few weeks, it would go in cycles. I wouldn’t deny a baby under 2 years of age a night feed, but that’s my personal feeling on it. I defiantly wouldn’t night wean before 1 year or limit access to the boob at all before 1 year, but again that is my personal feeling. I have found offering a feed straight away in the dark without talking let’s baby know it’s night time it’s bed time and you’re either feeding or sleeping. The few times I tried to settle without a milk feed when my daughter was around 14 months took so much longer, she got distressed and in the end she would wake earlier for a feed anyway. I also resettle after 45 minutes with a breastfeed as well. But again, each to their own.

We’ve been following Save Our Sleep and she doesn’t mention sleep regression or these wonder weeks, what should I do?
Even babies who have been sleep trained can start waking through the night during a growth spurt or wonder week, and then what? More crying, more distress, mothers feeling like failures because their baby is deviating from the ‘plan.’. On Becoming Babywise suggests that babies sleep through from 8 weeks with no night feeds, no mention of differing needs during mental leaps there.

The best thing is to forget any set routine or regime during this period of mental growth. They aren’t doing this to annoy you, your baby is genuinely having a difficult time with a huge increase of brain activity as they learn something new. They haven’t read the book and they don’t know that they aren’t ‘allowed’ to start waking again.

I have found with both my children when they woke in the night that gentle settling techniques helped my babies get back to sleep calmly and stopped them from revving themselves up too much. It also helped me get to sleep quicker, loud crying would startle me awake, gentle rocking makes me sleepy and relaxed, I fall asleep much better.

A heightened period of mental development isn’t the time to start something new either, there’s already so much going on that I wouldn’t expect much of it to be retained let alone work.

You need to do what works for you during this period without worrying about ruining the routine or not sticking to the plan.

When does it end?
Shortly after her first birthday my daughter stopped having these periods of fussiness now that I think about it. She still does have growth spurts but she just ends up eating everything and wakes up in the morning demanding nutella sandwiches and big glasses of milk. I find a majority of her frustration, tantrums and crankiness come down to two things – needing a nap or inability to communicate, and it no longer goes on for weeks at a time.

The Evils of Ezzo

Right, Ezzo.  I put parenting advice into 3 categories, good, bad and Ezzo.  On Becoming Babywise makes Save Our Sleep look like an Attachment Parenting how to guide.  The advice is so abhorrent and has the potential to be very damaging.

Babywise has been linked to failure to thrive (FTT), poor milk supply failure, and involuntary early weaning.

On Becoming Babywise is actually the secular version of Preparation for Parenting.  A parenting course that uses exerpts from the bible to justify its parenting methods. 

Who are the Ezzos?
Gary Ezzo is in his 50s.  In 1983 he graduated from Talbot Theological Seminary with a Master’s of Arts in Ministry degree through a special degree plan offering Bible courses to ministers without college degrees.

His wife has a credit on the religious version and has said she is a nurse with a background in pediatrics, though her actual credentials are not made clear by the Ezzos.  

On the secular version Mrs Ezzo’s name is dropped and a peads name is in place, those his contribution seems to end at the foreword.

What is the basis of On Becoming Babywise?
Basically, it a hyperscheduled routine that breaks up a babies day into 3 parts.  Sleeptime, feedtime and waketime.  It discourages deviating from the routine and employs a cry it out approach.

It employs a feeding schedule the Ezzo termed parent directed feeding or PDF.       Though Ezzo frequently states PDF is “flexible,” his response to the “problem” of a two-week old infant falling asleep at the breast was: “You need to keep your baby awake during feeding time. Babies learn very quickly from the laws of natural consequences. If your daughter doesn’t eat at one feeding, make her wait until the next one. Don’t feed her between routine mealtimes; otherwise, you are teaching her to snack, not eat.” (Prep., p.193) Such comments have alarmed doctors and lactation consultants alike.

PDF does not take into account the differences in both breast capacity and stomach capacity.  There is up to a 300% difference in the milk storage capacity between two mothers.  Then there is the difference in babies stomaches, growth spurts, illness, teething.  PDF doesn’t take into account that breastfeeding is more then just nutrition.  It’s comfort, it’s thirst, it’s pain relief, it’s bonding.  It’s a natural sleep tonic!  Breastmilk at night contains powerful hormones to put baby to sleep.

Yet Ezzo recommends cutting night feeds at 8 weeks.  That’s right, no night feeds by 8 weeks.  I don’t know about you, but neither of my children could have gone without a night feed at 8 weeks.

Spanking? A 5 month old?
The Ezzos encourage biblical chastisement, and recommend it for babies as young as 5 months.  To me, that’s abuse.  Never the less, the Ezzo’s defend it as not being spanking but as necessary and backed up by god.  Here is what they say to defend themselves.

From Let the Children Come Along the Virtuous Way 
(Growing Kids God’s Way) 5th Edition, Chapter 12 

Cultural Spanking vs. Biblical Chastisement 

CULTURAL SPANKING is something parents do to a child. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT is something parents do for a child. 

CULTURAL SPANKING is a last resort punishment. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT is an objective form of correction. 

CULTURAL SPANKING attempts to change outward behavior. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT is used to change inward attitudes. 

CULTURAL SPANKING is performed throughout a child’s life. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT is nearly completed by the age of five. 

CULTURAL SPANKING frustrates the child. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT clears a child’s guilty conscience. 

CULTURAL SPANKING has no long term effect. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT molds lifelong character. 

A rose by any other name?

Spanking is not appropriate at any age, and especially not for infants.  It does nothing but cause them pain.

What about crying?
Ezzo encourages parents to put baby in their cot at the designated sleep time and walk away, no matter how long baby cries for.  Could be a few minutes, could be hours, parents are not to go in.  Despite controlled crying being dangerous for a babies mental health not checking on a baby could be dangerous, what if he’s thrown up, soiled himself, twisted himself in bedding?

Doesn’t my baby need controlling?
In a word, no.  Babies rely on their very basic instincts, they have no wants, only needs and they need you, their mother, unconditionally.  Pick your baby up, rock him to sleep.  Babies have an infinite ability to trust, they trust their care givers to do everything for them.  Trying to control them and to train them and expecting them to just comply is a violation of that trust.

Your baby knows what he needs, trust your instincts.  Ezzo may claim to be helping you grow kids “God’s way” but in reality the advice is abusive, neglectful and harmful.

Don’t buy his book.

Read about a failed babywiser.