Dad’s are not babysitters

These are crayons

They’re made by taking little bits of broken crayon and putting them in a silicon tray and then melting them in the microwave on high for about 5 minutes. You can also melt them in the oven.

But I didn’t make them, my husband did.

Over the weekend he has cooked, cleaned, fed children, gotten up with them in the morning, cared for them while I did other jobs, bathed them, put them to bed. You know, parented them.

I get sick of hearing about dads who don’t parent their children. Dads who don’t do their share of the work in the home.

Now I get that stay at home parents are at home more and will do more of the work when they’re actually home, but when you have two adults at home why should one be working while the other lounges around relaxing. If both adults did the work then it would be done sooner and everyone could relax.

You know, one in all in.

Now I don’t expect my husband to come home from a 16 hour day and then clean the house top to bottom, but if I’m folding the laundry then we do it together, then it gets done quicker. One person washes the dishes and the others wipes them up. Sometimes one person watches the children while the other mows the lawn or weeds the garden.

It’s not babysitting when a father watches his child and he’s not doing his partner a special favor. On the weekend I have an exam (first one of my course, I’m a tad nervous actually) and my husband will be watching the toddlers, he isn’t doing me a favor, he’s just parenting. When one parent is unable to look after the children the other just takes up the slack.

Does he do everything how I would? No. Does that matter? No.

Haven’t we moved passed the parenting as women’s work era? As a feminist I believe that parenting is a job shared equally between the sexes. I can change a nappy as good as my husband can, he can read a bedtime story just as well as I can.

I don’t buy the line of not being able to or not knowing how. Why are men getting to adulthood and not knowing how to cook a meal, iron a shirt, mop a floor, clean a toilet, or make their own lunch. Seriously, how do these men survive single life? These are life skills I’ll be teaching my son and daughter.

As for not knowing how to parent, how to change a nappy, settle or burp a baby, bath a baby. News flash, most first time mums know about as much as first time dads. We’re learning on the fly, we’re making it up as we go along! When I had my first the only other newborns I could remember holding were my siblings (the youngest being 16 when my daughter was born) and my cousin (who was 4 when my daughter was born). That was it. I had studied early childhood practices at high school but that was 5 years earlier. I had no clue what I was doing!. I didn’t research passed birthing this baby and so when she was in our arms we were stumped. And we made it up as we went along following our instincts and I think we did a pretty good job.

Baby number 1 – 30 minutes old

Then 18 months after our first baby was born baby number 2 came along and as shocking as it sounds he wasn’t a carbon copy of his sister. Once again I had to learn, grow and change. The transition from one to two was harder then having just one. I had to learn all about this little person, figure out breastfeeding which I didn’t get right the first time and keep the toddler happy and on track. Hubby would stumble in from a 16 hour day to find me mid-witching hour. He would start cleaning and by the time he had done the dishes and kitchen the baby would be sleeping so I would pop him in his hammock while we tackled mouth Washmore. We had two in cloth nappies back then. By the time we finished that we’d stumble into bed only to be woken within the hour by a baby ready for a feed. Into our bed he’d go where he’d spend most of the night attached to the boob.

We worked as a team. It was a hard year for our relationship but no matter what was going on between us he never let up on his responsibilities as a father. I was never left doing more then my fair share.

Look I know some women like making their partner lunch or ironing their work uniforms or whatever and that’s great, that’s their choice. It should not be expected. And when women are struggling with parenting their biggest help and support should come from their baby’s father.

This goes for breastfed and bottlefed babies. And you don’t have to express to get someone to help you, there are plenty of things dad can do to help that don’t involve feeding. Bathing, nappy changes, settling, cuddling, playing with baby, taking baby for a walk or car ride, wearing baby.

Baby number 2 – 8 days old

It’s simple really, if you’re a man pull your weight, we know you work hard at your job but don’t forget we work hard at home raising your children. If we all pitch in we all get a chance to sit down for a break when it’s done.

If you’re a woman then tell him what you need done, if he doesn’t know what you need chances are he won’t do it. Avoid the angst and resentment, tell him straight – can you fold the laundry/get dinner started/hold the baby for a bit.

What do you do all day?

As a mum a lot of the work I do is invisible. If you weren’t here to see the spill on the floor, you won’t know I ever cleaned it up. If you didn’t see the kitchen utensils scattered from one end of the house to the other, you won’t know I spent half an hour tracking them all down. If you didn’t see the tantrums, tears, settling for naps, breastfeeds, packing away of toys, reading of stories, trips to the park, kissing of boo-boos, explanations to the 2 year old about every. little. thing. and the making of, serving of and cleaning up after every meal – then its like it never happened and I did nothing.

If you come home of an evening and the house looks relatively the same, that means I got quite a lot done. Some days living with two active toddlers is like trying to hold back a hurricane with a single finger, it doesn’t work.

Other days we get extras done. I mean the quick clean of a bathroom or the making of beds. That is an extra.

Now that I study the “what do you do all day” question bites even more. I do a lot. A damn lot. My head hits the pillow every night and I am mentally and physically spent.

My house is not perfect and I make no secret of the fact that I hate housework. I hate putting washing away, or drying the dishes. I don’t mind vacuuming because it’s quick but I can’t stand mopping. Polishing furniture bo-ring. I’d much rather reread Louis Pasteur’s theory on germs then clean the toilet. I will admit I put the blinkers on and chose to ignore certain messes. Wish my husband could.

But it’s not my husband who asks me what I do all day, at least not outright on occasion it is implied. And I will admit before my first child was actually born I thought stay at home mum’s were all about Oprah, lunch dates, shopping and Playgroup. I was wrong. I look back now and laugh, one baby that was easy.

My toddlers can be an organized and efficient demolition crew. While I’m cleaning up in one room they are pulling the other one apart. I almost feel like one day my husband is going to open the front door and it will all come pouring out like opening a flood gate. Some days it is more war zone then family home, I’m sure mums of toddlers can relate.

When my first was a little over 1 she could pull out all her toys and spread them across the living room floor in under 30 seconds. I timed her. She’s a mess making machine.

I don’t believe in training toddlers to clean. My 15 month old loves to copy me with a rag wiping down surfaces and my almost 3 year old will put her toys back in the toy box. She’ll also tell me when there’s a mess and attempt to wipe up her spills. I don’t expect them to clean, I don’t expect them to do anything, cleaning is not their job, playing is their job. I’m often told you have to train them young. I don’t think so. If they went to childcare and were sweeping floors or wiping down tables I would be livid.

So mum’s, we do a lot, some of it can only be seen by us, or our children, while other things like our happy healthy well cared for children are a testament to everyone of the great work we’re doing. Forget the tidy house, as long as it’s not a pig sty then it doesn’t really matter. Engaging with your children, that is what’s really important.

Speaking of which, I have work to do

Stay at home feminist

I am not a housewife. I am not a servant to my husband nor am I a slave to his will. I don’t subscribe to that man of the house crap and I don’t need to be told my place.

Yes, the majority if the child rearing is my responsobility because I have chosen to stay at home with the children. My son is breastfed so I do the night parenting. But I do everything a good quality day care centre would if not more and that is important to us as parents.

When my husband is home he toes the line. I do not pick up after him, I am his equal, we do things together. Dishes, washing, folding, cleaning, these are jobs adults do together. And we do. I’m not at home to be his personal assistant. I don’t run errands or do special jobs for him.

Rarely is my hair perfect or the children neat and tidy when he returns from work. I don’t wear make up or cook him special meals. His days off are not spent with him on the couch while I vacuum with a baby under my arm.

When he watches the children it is not baby sitting. I don’t spend hours worshipping the ground he walks on just for spending time with his our children. I am entitled to a break as much as he is.

It comes from understanding that I don’t sit around on the couch watching Oprah and drinking mojitos. I make meals, I play play dough, draw, dance to music, sand pit, nap time, breastfeeding, play dates. It’s not a chore, I’m happy to do these things but everyone needs some time to themselves.

Staying at home with my children is important to me, attachment is a corner stone of my parenting philosophy, but pardon my French – fuck that housewife bullshit!

Can you be a stay at home mum and a feminist? Yes I can, and I am.