The perfect child

Did you know that all attachment parents have perfect children?

They have no sleep issues, all breastfeed with no problem, their toddlers are perfect angels with no behavioral problems, they’re all perfect angels and their parents never ever want to run away and join the circus.

Parents struggle the same no matter what style of parenting they subscribe too. Some of the most alternative attachment parents I know are also parents to the children with the most difficult sleep issues, ditto for so-called mainstreamers. I know mothers of children who have done baby led weaning from the first time solids hit their babies lips, they’ve never intentionally spoonfed their child who at 4 years of age wants their mum to spoonfeed them.

I know the most loving gentle mothers with children who have really difficult behaviours, ditto to mainstreamers.

I know attachment parents who bottlefeed, use expensive fancy prams, have elective csections just because they want to, use disposable nappies or think homeopathics are just snake oil.

On the flip side there are mainstream parents who breastfeed, use cloth nappies; I could go on and on.

Point is when someone says they’re an attachment parent please don’t assume they are having an easy ride of it. Please don’t go to their home expecting to be fed biodynamic organic raw vegan snacks. Please don’t expect them to wear Birkenstocks or shop at Tree of Life. When they say they’re looking for a career don’t assume it’s as a doula or reiki therapist.

Just because she doesn’t want to spank doesn’t mean you should automatically assume she went to an Occupy protest.

Truth is many of us attachment parents come to be on this path after weighing up all our options and choosing this one as best for us. I’ve heard it many times, I bought SOS or Babywise or someone bought me the book and I read it while pregnant and had every intention of following it… Until my baby was born and it just wasn’t for us so I did some more reading and I found attachment patenting.

Attachment parenting is kind of a spectrum, some are über crunchy, some of us are kind of crunchy, most of us fall somewhere in the middle. The great thing is we’re all on our own journey and not being ‘as crunchy’ as the next mama doesn’t mean we’ve failed or are coming up short, it just means we’ve tailored the attachment parenting style to meet the needs of our family.

So the next time you write someone’s opinion off regarding sleeping issues or feeding issues because they’re an attachment parent so their child must be perfect I urge you to remember this. Our children are not perfect and mothering them is not always easy, most attachment parents have done lots of reading about parenting because they want to be sure they’re doing the best for their children, sleeping and settling, feeding and disciplining any child can be a lot of work. So when I give my opinion on a sleep routine or feeding method do not assume I’m against it because my kids are so easy they’ve never needed it, I’ve just not chosen to go down that road because it’s not what I believe to be best for my children and I believe there is a better way for them.

Making a plan to breastfeed

When pregnant, many women write a birth plan, prepare a nursery, arrange a plan for going back to work, and hash out plans for nappies, and sleeping arrangements. We plan who will be at the birth, who will visit and when, what to pack for hospital…

So many mothers have said “I’d like to breastfeed, but I understand it might not work out, so I’ll buy (bottles/formula/formula accessories) just in case.”

And then at the first sign of trouble, shrug their shoulders and switch. Or at the first suggestion of weaning from a doctor. I did that, at 2 weeks with my first daughter. Then feeding became a nightmare, and I wish we’d never switched.

So with my second, I stuck to it, and 9 months on we’re still breastfeeding. And it’s great!

Did you know only 14% of babies are breastfed after 6 months in Australia, yet the World Health Organisation recommends breastfeeding until AT LEAST 2 years.

So what can you do to ensure you succeed at maintaining a breastfeeding relationship?

1. Be positive. Just say, “I’m going to breastfeed” and leave it at that. The ‘f’ word need not be included in that sentence and you don’t need to mention any what ifs or any plans for if it doesn’t work. Plan to fail, and you probably will.
2. Ban bottles, formula, and dummies from your home. Many people suggest introducing a bottle ASAP if you’re planning on going back to work or else baby won’t take it. If you introduce a bottle too early that might be the only thing he wants to feed from, so don’t run the risk. Having formula in your home increases your chances of switching to formula full time, you can always duck down to the store if you need it so don’t buy it just in case. Dummies can cause nipple confusion, try not to give them until at least 6 weeks when breastfeeding is established. Remember newborns feed a lot during the early weeks, this is normal. Spacing out feeds is not usually a good idea, breastfeeding is more then just nutrition, it’s thirst quenching, it’s comforting, breastmilk has hormones to induce sleep.
3. Ban the baby trainer. Tizzie Hall, Gina Ford, Ezzo… I could name a whole bunch of them. Anyone telling you to only feed at specific times or else you’ll ruin the routine is a potentially a detriment to your breastfeeding relationship. More feeds means more milk means more weight gain.
4. Stress less! Just feed your baby. Day or night. Pretty soon they’ll spare out their feeds on their own, think of every feed as another chance to snuggle.
5. Accept help and focus on feeding. The housework can wait, the washing will still be there, but you only get one shot at getting breastfeeding right.
6. Make breastfeeding part of the plan. Many mums plan the birth, and then forget about the rest. Here is a breastfeeding plan to print out and complete.
7. Birth at home, if not at home birth naturally!. While not essential, and certainly you can build a strong breastfeeding relationship without it, a natural birth gives your body that perfect hormonal cocktail to kick start your breastfeeding relationship. A natural birth also means a shorter hospital stay, generally a better recovery and if you hire a doula or independent midwife, better post natal care once you’ve gone home. Better yet, at a homebirth you won’t be restricted in your ability to breastfeed straight away, you can have instant skin to skin, you won’t be separated for your baby to be weighed or whatever, and your hormones won’t be suppressed by hormone injections, pain killers or surgery. Don’t forget whether you’re at home or in hospital Baby Led Attachment is best. I did this with my son who was in the High Dependency Unit of the Neo-natal intensive care, so it’s not just for healthy term babies born vaginally.
8. Don’t listen to negativity. Surround yourself with supportive positive people.
9. Watch a woman breastfeeding, and surround yourself with breastfeeding mothers. If you don’t know anyone who is breastfeeding, join online communities, and watch breastfeeding videos on YouTube. Join the ABA and attend a meeting. Take a breastfeeding class.
10. Read, read, read. There are plenty of online resources, communities, books, newspaper articles, pamphlets… just read whatever you can get your hands on about breastfeeding and just read it. Soak it in.

Need more information on breastfeeding?

Australian Breastfeeding Association

Kellymom

Want a homebirth? Start talking here.