I need more time!

Have you ever heard someone say, I’ll do it when I have more time?  Or that they need to make time for something?

Unless this person is in the business of making clocks, or owns a 1981 DeLorean DMC-12, there is no time to be made or created and no way of getting back lost time.  That’s right you will only ever have 24 hours in the day, you can’t stuff in a couple of extra to get more done.  Not going to happen.  There’s also no way, yet, of going back in time.  We don’t get a do-over.  This is it.

So why do so many people say they’ll do things when they have more time?  Laziness?  Reluctance?  Not wanting to say an outright no?  Belief that one day they really will have more time?

Last year someone offered me a wonderful opportunity, but it sounded like a lot of work and effort and I honestly could not see how it would fit around what I believed was a jam packed schedule.  In short, I said I didn’t have the time and maybe when I had more time I would be able to fit it in.

I did have the time.  I had 24 hours at my disposal every single day.  I wasn’t managing my time very well at all.  Yes I had a newborn and a toddler.  Yes we had playgroup once a fortnight during school terms.  Yes my husband worked away.  No I didn’t drive.

But that was it.  I thought I was really very busy.  No time for anything extra what so ever.

Now I study full time from home, have an 18 month old and a 3 year old, go to 2 playgroups on alternating fortnights, go to the gym minimum 3 times a week, run my own fledgling business (which as anyone who has been in business would know takes a lot of time and effort in the building days), my husband still works away with the Army, I’m in the process of reenlisting myself as a reservist, and I now drive.

I am now the busiest I have ever been in my entire life!

And yet I feel like I have the time to do all of this, and more.  We still fit in playdates and random trips to the muesum or the aquarium, we fit in trips to the bank, post office and supermarket, dropping off and picking up new books from the library.  We have more time with friends, less time at home in front of the television, more real life experiences for them.  And more happening for me.  I feel free, truly.  Not bound to the house and not restricted to what we have here for entertainment.  I get a sense of fulfillment and ackomplishment at the end of a busy day.  And any day not spent cleaning is a win in my books.

I know it’s not the politically correct thing to say as a mother, especially as one who subscribes to the attachment parenting philosophy, but I wasn’t content as a literal stay at home parent.  I love my children with every fibre of my being however being home every minute of every day and only leaving the house when my husband was able to take us somewhere felt so restricted, shackled almost.

I’ve also become very aware that the only time we have is now.  This is it.  Life is not a dress rehersal.  And whether you believe in an after life or not, in these mortal bodies in this place the only time we have is now.

The past is done.  Forgive if you have to, learn the lesson and move on.  You cannot change it, alter it, go back and re-do it.  It is what it is, accept it and move on.

The future is yet to happen.  Plan it, dream about it, visualise what you want from it.  Take a moment to live in your dreams.  If you could have anything for yourself and your family, money being no barrier, what would it be?  I do this often.  Sometimes intentionally, sometimes on purpose I sit down and dream and visualise what will be in 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years.  That is fun!  With no limits and no barriers our future looks pretty darn good.

Sometimes it’s not intentional, or not for fun, sometimes picturing what might be gets me through a particularly difficult minute, hour, day.  You know the one.  Where the kids are melting down, making mess, tantruming, fighting with each other, you sit down on the floor, close the door and think, if I stay in here 5 minutes longer maybe they won’t figure out where I am and I can have a moments peace.  And it’s always at that very moment that they find you.  Take a deep breath.

Sometimes saying this too shall pass helps.  Sometimes it is better to imagine what it will look like when this passes.

In 1 year, these children will be 1 year older.  What will they be able to do?  How tall will they be?  How long will their hair be?  Will that baby be able to start vocalising what they need instead of just yelling at you?  Will that baby be feeding shorter and less frequently giving you more space and bodily autonomy?  Will that 18 month old be sleeping through the night?  (That last one is for me)

Are these problems really that big of a deal?

Is waking once overnight really such a huge problem or is it a problem because other people outside the home think it should be?  (Again, that one is for me)

Once this time is over it is over.  Never again will my daughter be 3 years and 5 days old, nor will me son be 18 months and 1 day old again.  This is it.  That cute thing he did just then reading me a book in gibberish, he won’t do that in 5, 10, 15 years time.  Yet in 5, 10, 15 years time I will have plenty of time to work full time or bum around on Facebook.

The things I’m missing now I can never get back, but the things I’m missing them for I can probably do later.

It is all about time management.

Unfortunately mums, you do have to manage your time well.  This doesn’t mean scheduled naps or feeds.  I have never subscribed to that.  But my 18 month old has naps at other peoples houses, in the car, in the pram.  It doesn’t always have to be at home in bed.

It’s all about making choices with what to do with your time.  You can always chose not to watch television.  I work and study at night.  The television is on in the background but mostly for background noise.

Look you can have it all if you want it.  Or none of it if you don’t.  You can live a life of regrets or a life with none.  You can spend your days doing things you enjoy with people you love.  Or you can coast by.  And you can do that while working or not.  You can be a stay at home mum and spend no quality time with your children, or a working mum who spends hours of quality time with their family.

Life is not about achieving a balance!

I know it goes against everything we’re told, we need to find the work/home balance.  Finding a balance means managing your life, micromanaging even.  You spend so much time trying to achieve balance that you don’t spend time enjoying what you’re doing.  So if you work more then you’re at home and you enjoy what you do and the time spent with your family is quality time – GREAT!  You’ve done it!  If you hate your job and spend your time at home stressing about work and not enjoying your family, change it.  If you are unhappy at home, go out.  If you’re spending more time online then you are with your children TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND PUT DOWN THE PHONE!

And if you think you can’t then you won’t, if you think you can you will find a way.

Don’t stick to where you’re comfortable.  No change happens in your comfort zone.

Do something different, new and exciting – today!

STFU, 60 Minutes

So, what exactly was the point of the Attachment Parenting piece on 60 minutes?  It certainly wasn’t to inform mothers that there is an alternative to spanking, cry-it-out, routine feeding and scheduled nap times.  It seems to have been another piece of suedo journalism with the intent to tell women and more specifically mothers how wrong they are.

That’s right, those naughty hippies ignoring the advice of generations of mothers gone before them in an attempt to follow a fad style of parenting.

Well as an attachment parent I’m going to clear up some little inaccuracies from the On Demand segement of 60 Minutes.

Attachment Parents give in to every demand of their children.

No, we don’t.  I often tell my children that they can’t do something, have something, behave in a certain way.  It’s not okay to hit others, throw an hour long tantrum because I said we were coming home and you wanted to stay, I’m not going to sit and breastfeed for hours and hours, we don’t snatch, and the 3 year old must use her words.  Pretty simple stuff really.  My 3 year old could ask for cake half an hour before dinner time, doesn’t mean I’m going to give it to her.  My 18 month old might simply be going boob to boob, side to side, they’re empty, you’re finished.  Time to hop off.

Which brings me to my next point…

Attachment parenting is a checklist that must be followed to the letter

I considered myself an attachment parent long before I was a breastfeeder.  My first child was weaned well before her 6 week check up.  She only co-slept with us for 4 months before she stopped settling in our bed so went to her own sleeping space.  I considered myself an attachment parent because I responded to the needs of my baby in a empathetic and respectful way.  It had nothing to do with how and where she was born, how she was fed, where she slept, what toys she played with, and everything to do with the intent behind everything that was done.  You can be an attachment parent who bottlefeeds, sleeps their baby in a cot, pushes a pram and has elective csections.  Again, not a checklist, a philosophy.

Attachment Parents look down on mothers who don’t follow the philosophy

That’s right, all APers are snooty do-gooders who think everyone else is wrong wrong wrong.

What a load.  I’ve never met these women with these aparent superiority complexes.  I’ve never sat in a circle discussing how women who use controlled crying are the devil and must be “dealth with.”  I have however had to defend my parenting choices to others, sometimes to people I always thought would have my back, I know many other women who make similar choices have to regularly do the same.  Maybe this is misinterpretted.  The truth is that there is evidence against controlled crying.  Presenting that evidence is not the same as calling someone a bad parent or intentionally making someone feel bad.  The only person who can make someone feel guilty is themselves.  I’m really tired of having to defend my mothering choices while at the same time being called horrible things for asking questions of the parenting methods of others.  If you’re not prepared to defend your choices then don’t put me in a position where I have to defend mine.

Attachment Parents are agressive about their parenting choices

I think you missed the point about it being a gentle style of parenting.

Attachment Parents put their relationships with children before their partners and marriages

No.  Not true at all.  That’s why there are many APers who are tandem feeding.

But you co-sleep, how do you “do it?”

There are other places other then a bed to make babies.  If you’re only doing it in bed well, doesn’t that get a bit boring?

Attachment Parenting is a concious decision

Not always, I had no idea it was called that until long after I was already doing it.  I figured I was just parenting.

Attachment Parents meet in little groups and bitch about mainstream parents

No, we mostly just talk about organic food co-ops, Thermomix recipes and compare wraps and structured carriers.

The 60 Minutes piece was so condecending.  I wish the Australian media would stop adding fuel to the fire that women use to flame each other.  How about this, we are all given a free pass to discuss our methods of parenting without judging each other (remember studies that don’t involve your child are not a judgement against you) because topics like controlled crying should be discussed so women can see both sides of the coin.  But please, 60 Minutes, don’t pit ourselves against each other, that’s what we have parenting forums for.

What having my car stolen has taught me

On Sunday evening while my family and I slept our family car was stolen. I really liked that car. It was my first car. A Holden Commodore 2003 V6. I liked it. It was nice to drive, comfortable, roomy, it was exactly what I was looking for in a car. And not to be vain but I think I looked good in it.

I am only on my learners at present but I was looking forward to a time when I could drive my car with my kids and by myself. I could picture it perfectly. Even down to what song I would have playing the first time I drove by myself. Sad I know.

Fuel by Metallica by the way.

Anywho so we went to bed on Sunday night and on Monday morning at around 5am my husband went to get something from my car so he could go to work… It was gone.

I’ve spent two whole days on the phone to the police, insurance, locksmiths, family, defence housing Australia, working my bum off to get this fixed. It was found Monday night. The gear box is wrecked. It was towed, we’re waiting for police to release it then the insurance agency to assess it. We won’t have it back for a while, if at all.

It’s happening more and more in Townsville. And it’s kids.

I was angry, very angry. I cried and swore and felt like shit for about 48 hours. Why us? Why our car? Why did they have to violate my feeling of safety and security in my own home? Why did they do this?

Then I woke up this morning and it clicked. Because no one loved them enough to know where they were and what they were doing. No one loved them enough to teach them right from wrong. Because they have no empathy for other people, why else would they steal an obvious family car (2 car seats would have been a big give away) and why would they steal the car seats or toss them. They stole the best of the wiggles for Pete’s sake!

They probably don’t go to school, why else would they be joyriding on a Sunday evening. So clearly no one loved them enough to teach them how important an education is to their future.

They probably learnt very early on that to get their parent’s attention they had to act up and now they don’t know how to behave.

I bet no one at home asks them about their dreams for their future, or their ambitions. No one cooks them a special birthday dinner or drives them to early morning band practice.

I bet they don’t have parents who watch, listen, and monitor their activities.

They’ve probably seen that positive behavior is ignored and only negative attention is acknowledged.

I feel sorry for them.

I was blessed with loving parents who cared about me and loved me enough to be involved. So while I wasn’t an angel, I knew right from wrong and I made good choices because I understood that a responsible member of the community doesn’t just think about themselves but the impact their choices make on everyone else.

I don’t believe it’s about whether or not a child is smacked or punished, this isn’t about that. I choose not to spank my children. I don’t think spanking kids will stop them from becoming criminals. I hazard a guess that lots of these kids were spanked, maybe even abused, but I also guess they didn’t receive much positive attention or guidance.

It sucks that my car was stolen, it is a huge pain in the bum trying to fix the mess, but I chose to let go of anger and accept that they made bad choices because no one loved them enough to teach them why they should make the right ones.

So I forgive. I don’t forget though. Believe me. I don’t forget. And I hope they are caught so they can be brought before a court of law and appropriately punished. Police and judges don’t have enough power against criminals in my opinion, they can’t even chase down criminals in a known stolen car.

But anger, bitterness and resentment eat you alive like a cancer. And I let go of that.

So I forgive, I learn from what has happened and moving forward into the future I do not forget.

What do you do all day?

As a mum a lot of the work I do is invisible. If you weren’t here to see the spill on the floor, you won’t know I ever cleaned it up. If you didn’t see the kitchen utensils scattered from one end of the house to the other, you won’t know I spent half an hour tracking them all down. If you didn’t see the tantrums, tears, settling for naps, breastfeeds, packing away of toys, reading of stories, trips to the park, kissing of boo-boos, explanations to the 2 year old about every. little. thing. and the making of, serving of and cleaning up after every meal – then its like it never happened and I did nothing.

If you come home of an evening and the house looks relatively the same, that means I got quite a lot done. Some days living with two active toddlers is like trying to hold back a hurricane with a single finger, it doesn’t work.

Other days we get extras done. I mean the quick clean of a bathroom or the making of beds. That is an extra.

Now that I study the “what do you do all day” question bites even more. I do a lot. A damn lot. My head hits the pillow every night and I am mentally and physically spent.

My house is not perfect and I make no secret of the fact that I hate housework. I hate putting washing away, or drying the dishes. I don’t mind vacuuming because it’s quick but I can’t stand mopping. Polishing furniture bo-ring. I’d much rather reread Louis Pasteur’s theory on germs then clean the toilet. I will admit I put the blinkers on and chose to ignore certain messes. Wish my husband could.

But it’s not my husband who asks me what I do all day, at least not outright on occasion it is implied. And I will admit before my first child was actually born I thought stay at home mum’s were all about Oprah, lunch dates, shopping and Playgroup. I was wrong. I look back now and laugh, one baby that was easy.

My toddlers can be an organized and efficient demolition crew. While I’m cleaning up in one room they are pulling the other one apart. I almost feel like one day my husband is going to open the front door and it will all come pouring out like opening a flood gate. Some days it is more war zone then family home, I’m sure mums of toddlers can relate.

When my first was a little over 1 she could pull out all her toys and spread them across the living room floor in under 30 seconds. I timed her. She’s a mess making machine.

I don’t believe in training toddlers to clean. My 15 month old loves to copy me with a rag wiping down surfaces and my almost 3 year old will put her toys back in the toy box. She’ll also tell me when there’s a mess and attempt to wipe up her spills. I don’t expect them to clean, I don’t expect them to do anything, cleaning is not their job, playing is their job. I’m often told you have to train them young. I don’t think so. If they went to childcare and were sweeping floors or wiping down tables I would be livid.

So mum’s, we do a lot, some of it can only be seen by us, or our children, while other things like our happy healthy well cared for children are a testament to everyone of the great work we’re doing. Forget the tidy house, as long as it’s not a pig sty then it doesn’t really matter. Engaging with your children, that is what’s really important.

Speaking of which, I have work to do

Calm, gentle, peaceful – whatever

When we imagine what attachment or natural parenting looks like we see calm, relaxed, gentle, loving parents with happy, well-mannered children. We picture homemade food, homemade clothes (or at least WAHM) and wooden toys.

Friends, it is an illusion.

This morning my children were playing in the yard, safe, secure and enclosed, when I had to duck inside to use the bathroom (how selfish of me) leaving them in a safe environment where they couldn’t get in trouble, or so I thought.

I went back into the yard and couldn’t see them, not to worry they must be around the side, nope. All of a sudden I saw a tiny naked bum toddling away on the other side of the gate. They were escaping! Right towards the road! IN THE NUDE!

I ran, picked them both up under my arms and said in my sternest mum voice…..

“WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TWO THINKING! THE ROAD IS NOT WHERE WE PLAY!”

I didn’t stay calm, I didn’t speak gently, and I didn’t give them a choice.

All I could think of was my two toddlers being hit by cars and I was angry.

We’ve hit a whingy phase. He wants to communicate but isn’t quite there. It’s frustrating and as much as I try to be a calm and gentle parent sometimes, well, I’m not.

Why am I telling you this? Because it’s normal. And everyone needs to remember that we’re only human. We aren’t always perfect parents and it’s okay to be frustrated. We need to give ourselves a break.

The important thing is to recognize our mistakes and try better next time. After all we want our children to learn by our example and they will make mistakes so we need to show them how to recover from their mistakes. We need to show them that there is no problem so big that can’t be fixed. And we need to show them the importance of trying again.

The perfect child

Did you know that all attachment parents have perfect children?

They have no sleep issues, all breastfeed with no problem, their toddlers are perfect angels with no behavioral problems, they’re all perfect angels and their parents never ever want to run away and join the circus.

Parents struggle the same no matter what style of parenting they subscribe too. Some of the most alternative attachment parents I know are also parents to the children with the most difficult sleep issues, ditto for so-called mainstreamers. I know mothers of children who have done baby led weaning from the first time solids hit their babies lips, they’ve never intentionally spoonfed their child who at 4 years of age wants their mum to spoonfeed them.

I know the most loving gentle mothers with children who have really difficult behaviours, ditto to mainstreamers.

I know attachment parents who bottlefeed, use expensive fancy prams, have elective csections just because they want to, use disposable nappies or think homeopathics are just snake oil.

On the flip side there are mainstream parents who breastfeed, use cloth nappies; I could go on and on.

Point is when someone says they’re an attachment parent please don’t assume they are having an easy ride of it. Please don’t go to their home expecting to be fed biodynamic organic raw vegan snacks. Please don’t expect them to wear Birkenstocks or shop at Tree of Life. When they say they’re looking for a career don’t assume it’s as a doula or reiki therapist.

Just because she doesn’t want to spank doesn’t mean you should automatically assume she went to an Occupy protest.

Truth is many of us attachment parents come to be on this path after weighing up all our options and choosing this one as best for us. I’ve heard it many times, I bought SOS or Babywise or someone bought me the book and I read it while pregnant and had every intention of following it… Until my baby was born and it just wasn’t for us so I did some more reading and I found attachment patenting.

Attachment parenting is kind of a spectrum, some are über crunchy, some of us are kind of crunchy, most of us fall somewhere in the middle. The great thing is we’re all on our own journey and not being ‘as crunchy’ as the next mama doesn’t mean we’ve failed or are coming up short, it just means we’ve tailored the attachment parenting style to meet the needs of our family.

So the next time you write someone’s opinion off regarding sleeping issues or feeding issues because they’re an attachment parent so their child must be perfect I urge you to remember this. Our children are not perfect and mothering them is not always easy, most attachment parents have done lots of reading about parenting because they want to be sure they’re doing the best for their children, sleeping and settling, feeding and disciplining any child can be a lot of work. So when I give my opinion on a sleep routine or feeding method do not assume I’m against it because my kids are so easy they’ve never needed it, I’ve just not chosen to go down that road because it’s not what I believe to be best for my children and I believe there is a better way for them.

Just go with it

Just relax, just let them be…

Just go away!

There’s a movement of ‘peaceful’ parents within attachment parenting. They don’t get angry, they don’t use any form of punishment, they just go with whatever their children are doing no matter what that makes them feel.

Sorry but that’s not me.

When my older child hits my younger child there are consequences. Why my toddler draws on the wall there are consequences. When my younger toddler pulls on my face or hair and hurts me there are consequences.

Now we don’t do spanking or swatting. I don’t think those methods are respectful to the child, it shows a lack of control in the parent and in my opinion it isn’t an effective method of preventing further hitting or violence from the child being spanked towards other children.

We don’t do traditional time outs either. We do time-in where we stay with or close by. And we do calm down jars. Jars filled with water and glitter with the lid glued on, shaken and watched until it (and the toddler) settles.

But I just can’t let everything go. I’ve met and read about parents who do and it gives attachment parents a bad name.

What might seem like a small thing in your home is not small in mine and I choose not to just “let it go” and to redirect my child on the issue.

I get angry, sometimes my kids see me getting angry. Sometimes I can’t stand there and smile while my toddler scribbles on the kitchen walls or while my baby bites down on my toddlers hand. They have to know that certain behaviors are not okay!

As an attachment parent I teach my children right from wrong in a way that is respectful to all members of the family while accepting that I am not a perfect person, I do get upset and angry, and that is okay.

Here is more on time out.

Cruel and unusual discipline

Earlier this month a girl named Savannah stole some lollies from her grandmother and lied about it.

What’s so remarkable about this is what happened next. She died.

Savannah’s grandmother punished her by forcing her to run non-stop for 3 hours and later Savannah had a seizure and died.

There’s more about it here.

Basically she ate some lollies, when asked about it she was probably embarrassed and so she said she didn’t. And was punished for the lie with physical activity and ended up paying for it with her life.

The grandmother and step-mother are facing criminal charges and I hope they throw the book at them.

In what universe is 3 hours of non-stop running appropriate for eating lollies?

Elite athletes struggle with 3 hours non-stop running. I consider myself to be quite fit and can do about an hour of running.

What happened to explaining that the lollies were for everyone and now there wasn’t enough so she would have to forgo her share when they were handed out later on. Or having her buy some more with her pocket money. Removal of privileges like no longer allowed to go to her friends house that weekend.

I’m a big believer in natural consequences, and there is no way if you stole something that authorities would require you to run for 3 hours. You might first receive a warning, then a fine and finally imprisonment. For a child you might first have the conversation about why we don’t steal and an apology would be required. A second time they may need to pay for a replacement item, or then they may lose privileges like screen time or not be allowed to go to a friends house. All whilst explaining what is happening and why and what is expected of them.

Savannah didn’t have to die.

Lots of parents want quick fix solutions to behavioural issues, but the truth is that many quick fix solutions have long term consequences.

There is no “speedy” way to train children to behave properly. What appears to be rapid training must always depend on the fear of pain, and fear of pain achieves only one end: it empties the “love bank”*, setting the stage for later difficulty.

From this link.

I hope that from this tragic event that parents will think critically about how they approach their children behavior. And I hope there is justice for Savannah.

A home without hitting

Yesterday, I touched on the Christian argument for and against spanking, but let’s face it, Christian’s aren’t the only ones using physical punishments with their children.

I’ve heard many ‘reasons’ why parents spank. Some say they only spank if their child is doing something dangerous or if they’ve tried other techniques first but it isn’t working. So 2 warnings and then a spanking.

Yesterday, I read online that a mother would refuse to let her child have playdates with another child if the other parent refused to consider spanking their child.

One I hear over and over again is “I was spanked and I am fine.” I fall into this category, I was spanked and in my opinion I am fine. But that’s not a fact, that’s my opinion. Then again another person could have lived the same childhood and not been okay with it.

I have no issues with my parents, I think they’re great and I think they did a good job. Just because I am not going to spank my kids doesn’t mean I think they were terrible parents, not at all. It was a different time. I’m choosing to follow a different path.

Back to spanking. I was spanked (fact), and I’m fine (opinion), so therefore spanking is an essential part of a good upbringing (illogical conclusion) and spanking should be encouraged and supported as a parents choice (say what?).

It’s like saying this – Bob smoked all his life starting in his teenage years (fact), and is of robust health now in his 30s, (opinion, everyone could stand to be a little healthier), so therefore smoking is essential to good health (illogical conclusion) and should be encouraged. No one in their right mind would encourage smoking.

You were spanked, you were fine, but some people were and aren’t fine, so why risk it?

Why is spanking such a bad idea?

A recent survey by Choice showed that 80 percent of parents (90 percent of parents under 25) thought that spanking was an acceptable form of punishment. However there is increasing evidence that links spanking with aggressive or anti-social behaviour, emotional damage, and diminished cognitive ability.

And to those saying a rise in violent crime is because children aren’t being spanked, a study in 2002 published in The Psychologist linked spanking with an increased likelihood of substance abuse and criminal convictions in adolescence.

Studies also suggest that while children may comply in the short term they haven’t actually learnt the desired behaviour.

Spanking teaches children that we are out of control, or even that they are controlling us by pressing our buttons. Their resulting lack of respect will make it less likely that they will listen to us in the future.

It is foolish to use smacking to teach children not to be aggressive. All it teaches is that they cannot hit other people but you can, and as long as they are bigger and stronger then the person they are hitting then they are better at getting away with it.

If not spanking then what?

Natural consequences is what happens in my home. If you hit another child, then you are removed from the play situation, because if you hit someone they won’t want to be around you. Repeatedly hit other children on a playdate and the playdate is over.

If you are playing with items in a destructive way they go away. Or if that’s impossible then you go somewhere else.

We don’t do time out but we do quiet time or time in. Lots of talking down at the toddlers level. Lots of talk about feelings and why she’s doing what she’s doing. Using moments of frustration as teaching moments (“you’re frustrated because the baby took your toys, it’s not nice when someone takes something that we’re playing with is it?”) and reflecting back on that when the roles are reversed. (“Remember how you felt when he took your toy? We need to give that back to baby or he will feel frustrated too.”)

We focus on positive behaviours. (“Thank you for sharing, I can see that your brother really appreciates that” “Thank you for playing quietly while I was on the phone, that really made doing those jobs much easier.” “Thank you for helping me clean up the toys, how nice it is to have everything back in its place.”) without falling into labeling her based on her behavior, so instead of being a good girl for packing up the toys she is being helpful, and I thank her for helping me. Her drawing doesn’t make her a good girl, but it is very creative and I love all the different colors she has used.

Similarly I don’t call her a bad girl or naughty if she misbehaves. Hitting her brother was unkind, she hurt him, and it wasn’t very nice or friendly. That doesn’t mean she is bad or naughty, but the behaviour was undesirable.

You’ve made such a mess and now we have to clean it up rather then bad girl you’ve thrown your lunch all over the floor.

Here is more on natural consequences.

In conclusion

1. It’s never okay to hit a child
2. Your child will model her conflict resolution techniques after yours, if you hit and well to manage conflict then expect the same in return.
3. If you figure out why your child is behaving in a certain way, you can better manage the behaviour.
4. Just because we were raised in a certain doesn’t mean we have to raise our children that way. Change begins at home.

For more on gentle guidance I recommend Toddler Tactics by Pinky McKay and Children Are People Too by Dr Louise Porter.

On Burning Babywise

So I’ve just finished reading On Becoming Babywise II by Gary Ezzo.

Sigh.

Where do I begin?

To start with its an incredibly sexist book and stinks of the husband being the head of the household and everyone else being subservient. Don’t bother even touching this book if you’re not married. The first chapter talks about the importance of marriage and how it lays the moral foundations for children. Okay. While I believe that a stable home is incredibly important for children I think that can be provided married or not.

Ezzo then attacks child centered parenting. Apparently, and these are direct quotes, the dangers of child-centered parenting are as follows -

1. Child-centered parenting attacks the husband-wife relationship by reducing its practical significance.
2. Child-centered parenting reverses the natural process of moral developing by prematurely creating within a child a false sense of self-reliance.
3. Child-centered parenting fosters family independence, not family interdepence.
4. Child-centered parenting magnifies conflict between the natural way of a child and his or her need for moral conformity.
5. Child-centered parenting is reactive not proactive.

In other words, Mr Ezzo has no idea what he’s talking about.

1. Most couples practicing attachment parenting understand the importance of the formative years of their childs life and work as a team. My DH and I are attachment parents and our marriage is stronger since having the children. We make time for each other and have alone time. We just put family time as the highest priority.

2. Self-reliant? Hardly. This book is aimed at children 5-15 months so my son fits in that bracket. He relies completely on myself and my husband for survival. Yes he is learning to self-regulate how much he eats, how much sleep he needs, when he’s had enough play time, and allowing him to do so teaches him self-control. In her book Baby Led Weaning Gill Rapley talks about BLW and it’s link to self-regulating the appetite and spoon feeding purée being more likely to result in a lack of self-control when eating as an adult.

3. Neither of my children are the center of the family rather we work as a family unit ensuring EVERYONES needs within the family are met in a way that brings everyone happiness. Yes as the adults we make most of the decisions HOWEVER what the children like or do not like or want or need is ALWAYS taken into consideration. We want our children to learn compromise not automatic obedience.

4. This assumes that attachment parenting involves no correction or direction, far from it. It’s just done in a manner that is respectful to the child.

5. This assumes that attachment parents don’t do anything until the child cries out. No. Again. Wrong. This is why I dislike the use of the term demand feeding, it should be called cue feeding because we watch for our babies hunger signs not cries. It’s all about watching and listening. You can tell that a 5 month old is hungry long before she cries.

I do agree that your relationship still needs nurturing even after your baby is here. There needs to be balance though.

Solids Advice

So this is where it gets confusing, he says that milk is important until 1 but then downplays the importance of breastmilk (Breastfeeding for more than a year is a preference, since adequate alternates to breastmilk are usually available. OBBII p.51)

The weirdest piece of advice is to offer one breast then solids then the other breast or half the bottle then solids then the other half. Everything else I’ve read about introducing solids says milk first at least half an hour before. Later in the book he suggests babies may be waking at night because they need more solids, absolute myth.

Then it gets really strange. There’s a whole chapter on Highchair Manners. For offenses such as flipping the plate, dropping or throwing food, playing with food, placing messy hands in the hair, banging on the tray, standing in the Highchair, arching the back, spitting raspberries or screaming and fussy he suggests verbal correction (okay, I do this, I try to stay calm, although will admit to being less then calm when my then 8 month old threw handfuls of cous cous on the floor and then smeared sauce all through my hair when I picked him up, I say “we don’t throw food” or “please don’t put weetbix in your hair” or whatever, calm, polite, requesting, it might take a long time but doing the same I have a 2 and a half year old with wonderful table manners that have been modeled to her.)

Then Ezzo suggests isolation in the crib. For normal baby behaviour. And then loss of privileges or toys. And then “a light to moderate squeeze of the hand.”. He then claims its attention getting and a teaching tool that won’t leave your child paychologically scarred, affect the child’s self-esteem, train the child to hit other children, teach the child violence, or cause the child abuse in adulthood.

We know better then this. When I was a child spanking was commonplace and accepted. I was spanked, though not often, and I have no ill-feeling towards my parents or my upbringing. But I’m lucky, I escaped potential negative consequence, but I don’t want to risk that for my children.

When we know better we do better.

Here is an article about spanking and here is a report. It states that -

Corporal punishment… is a predictor of poorer child mental health (12 of 12 studies), eroded parent-child relationships (13 of 13 studies), weaker internalization of moral standards (13 of 15 studies), increased child aggression (27 of 27 studies), and increased child anti-social behaviour (11 of 12 studies.)

Total opposite of Ezzo’s claim. I know what you’re thinking he’s only suggesting a moderate squeeze. But he says you need to create discomfort. Later in the chapter Some Thoughts About Discipline he warns parents that they need to correct childishness and foolishness. That children (as young as 5 months mind you) need to learn first time obedience and using a mild attention getting swat when a baby touches something they shouldn’t.

How heart breaking. Smacking a baby.

Naptime is next topic and sleep time. What struck me is this.
Rule one: Mom, not baby, decides when the nap starts.
Rule two:Mum, not baby, decides when the nap ends.

What a load. My child is a human being not a robot, he sleeps when he’s tired and wakes up when he’s not anymore, simple. This is not a power struggle. It warns against putting baby in bed with you even if they are in pain or sick.

The baby sign stuff is pretty cool, but if you want to learn about baby sign by an actual baby sign book, it’s more in depth and has more signs and their uses.

Hints on potty training. Pretty generic stuff until…
“If your child is still on a bottle, is not on any routine during the day, is not sleeping through the night, naps in-consistently, sleeps with you or doesn’t obey instructions, then toileting will not come easy. You must deal with those issues first.

So if your baby isn’t ‘performing’ then you aren’t.

CONCLUSION
I’ve never read something more horrible in my life. It’s all about baby training not parenting. Babies aren’t meant to behave perfectly every time. A mothers day isn’t suppose to center around baby schedules and discipline of her 5-15 month old. Attachment parenting allows for flexibility and for the needs of both the parents AND the children to be met.

If you believe in treating children and babies with love, kindness and respect then do not follow Ezzo.