Attachment Parents Are The Best Parents

You heard it here, right from the horses mouth, Attachment Parents are the best and all other styles of parenting are negligent.

That’s right if you don’t subscribe to the AP way then you may as well leave your children in the woods to be raised by wild animals because they would do a far superior job.  If you bottle feed, sleep your baby in a cot, have a routine, feed your child puree, let them watch television before their 2nd birthday, send them to mainstream school or vaccinate you are truly a monster not worthy of being a mother.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  You are awful!  Your children will grow up to be detached emotionless criminals filling up our prisons and terrorizing our aging population.

I’m not serious.  I don’t believe that.  In fact many of the things listed I’ve done or plan to do in the future.  But just think.

How many times has it been said that attachment parenting creates unhealthy connections between mothers and babies, or spoils children, destorys marriages, elevates children to the position of parent, doesn’t give children the discipline or routine they need, is permissive.  Is wrong?

And that is seen as a normal critique of parental choices, yet on the flip side if you dare even think that a mother may not have her babies best interests at heart when she opens a copy of Tizzie Hall’s latest ‘book’ then you are JUDGING ME!

Let’s look at this seriously.  It’s okay to call anyone who has had a birth plan a Birthzilla but if you question the author on her choice to sleep train her infants you are a hater.  Truly, just ask about the Gift of Sleep in a less then complimentary fashion on Mia Freedman’s twitter, facebook or mamamia website, or the Gift of Sleep’s facebook and count the seconds before your comments are deleted and you are blocked.  In fact comments on the blog posts about The Gift of Sleep on Mamamia are totally blocked.  Apparently Mia Freedman is free to bash homebirthing women, anti-vaxxers, breastfeeding women and attachment parents but can’t take a hint of criticism herself.

And how many times have we been told that we’re creating a rod for our own back?  That our babies will never be off the breast.  That they will be in our bed FOREVER.  That this is our future

And we should be very very afraid.

Honestly, I’m not concnerned, if DS is still wanting a boob when he’s a grown man it certainly won’t be mine he’s chasing.

But seriously, why is it okay to say negative and horrible things to women choosing the attachment method of parenting but when they even casually question a more mainstream approach it is seen as judgement.  I have had nasty horrible things said to me especially regarding the apparent sexual nature of breastfeeding but when I simply stated “but isn’t a bottle just an imitation nipple” I was said to be mean, nasty, judging, it’s not my fault I couldn’t breastfeed, stop acting so superior.

Ho-Hum.

All I’m asking is this.  If you’re going to make broad sweeping statements about my parenting then be prepared to hear a few about yours.  I’m not going to lie down and take false accusations of stunting my childs development, or underhanded comments about the future of my marriage with a smile and a nod.  No way no how.  No.  I’m not that sort of woman.

Not when I have chosen my methods based on what is best for my child not always what is easiest or most convienent.  I don’t subscribe to the “happy mum happy baby” line to justify every decision that may have negative consequences.  I don’t believe this is a stage of my children’s life to simply be endured but a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Emotional stability comes from having a strong framework to begin with.

If you find my way of parenting confronting or if it makes you uncomfortable well I don’t apologize because quite frankly how other people (other then my children and husband) feel about how I run my house does not matter to me.  Yes I take into consideration the opinions of family, their opinions matter to me and I value them.  Random other mother, hate to break it to you but I don’t care if you think that I ruined my baby by “letting” him sleep in my bed, you don’t want to know what I think of your choice to stop breastfeeding at 8 weeks so you could go party with your girlfriends and leave the baby with your husband as per usual.

Spite?  Little bit.  I’m tired of defending my choices to people who judge in one breath and claim judgement in another.  We all judge, a lot.  It’s how we make choices about what is best for us.  Perhaps some people should take a look at what they’re about to say before they say it and ask themselves, am I adding to the conversation in a constructive way or am I pushing that person away with my ill-informed opinions?

A little bit of everything today

I get migraines, bad ones. I have done since my first migraine following my epidural after my daughter was born and then every period since. It’s debilitating and renders me virtually unable to parent my children 3 days out of every month.

I usually take panadol or nurofen or a combination of both. A cold pack on the back of my neck and my forehead while lying in a dark room also helps.

Sleep is best, undisturbed sleep in a cool dark room.

I have two toddlers and a partner who works inflexible hours, I can’t just spend 3 days in bed so I’ve been suffering through.

I read in Prescription for Natural Cures by James Balch, Mark Stengler and Robin Balch that there are some things that can help.

Avoiding caffeine is one, I’m slowly cutting that out. I had a cup of coffee yesterday afternoon and couldn’t fall asleep until about 10pm.

Taking calcium, magnesium, and omega 3 is another suggestion, so I’m now doing that.

I’m on the look out for a practitioner of TCM in Townsville, preferably someone who practices acupuncture.

I’ve seen GPs who have told me that there is nothing physically wrong with me so just take panadol and nurofen and rest. That would be fine it the headaches were a one off but they’re not. I’m over living my life like this 3 days a month, it’s time to take charge of my own healthcare.

Someone said of me lately that naturopathy isn’t a profession and that it’s a load of quackery. Well, I think that’s a bit much. Perhaps doctors don’t want to believe that natural therapies have merit because it goes at odds with what they believe while naturopaths believe that all medical systems have a place and a purpose.

I write my blog posts on an iPhone, generally I do so while breastfeeding my son. Typos happen and to the grammarphiles I apologize if I offend with my spelling mistakes and awkward autocorrections.

As for my education, well I finished high school with good marks and was accepted to university to do a Bachelor of Education (Special Education) which I enjoyed and did for a year. But being behind a desk was not for me, so I deferred and eventually quit and joined the workforce.

I worked at Hungry Jacks. Then at Storm Financial as a receptionist before joining the Navy in 2007. I joined as an officer and completed the New Entry Officer Course all the way up to the field phase, but being an officer was not for me and I changed over to be a sailor. From there I went on to complete my Certificate II in Kitchen Operations through the Australian Defence Force School of Catering.

I posted to HMAS Kuttabul and did a little time at sea. Then I got married. Then I had a baby. Left the Navy. Had another baby. Moved to Townsville and survived having 2 under 2. Now I’m studying via distance education through the Australian Institute of Applied Sciences. I’m studying an Advanced Diploma of Naturopathy, at the moment I’m studying Nutrition 1 and Naturopathic Philosophy.

I have 2×1,000 word essays, 2x nutritional assessments and 2×2 hour short answer exams. It’s not an easy course but I am enjoying the challenge.

This blog is not something I get paid to do, it’s not a scientific debate of statistics and data, and it’s not ever a replacement for quality advice from trained medical professionals. I do not pretend to be a midwife or a doctor. I’m just a woman, wife and mother who believes that we all deserve choices. We should all have the right to decide what advice we follow and what advice we go against, no matter who that advice comes from.

I believe in a woman’s right to have an abortion, not because it’s something I would do but because the decision to carry and birth a baby is one that can only be made by that woman and no one should ever be forced to birth a baby they don’t want or can’t care for. No woman should endure the trauma of gestating their rapists baby.

I believe Homebirth should remain legal. Not because I believe hospital births are ‘bad’ but because I believe that the decisions regarding where and how a mother births are hers to make alone. Doctors and midwives can give advice and should give women all the facts but the decision should be make by the mother. Even if the medical professional believes it is the wrong decision it is not theirs to make. And don’t screw with the statistics, if we believe that condoms working 99.8% of the time is a good success rate and that this makes them an acceptable form contraception and a reliable one at that. Then considering that in 2007 99.7% of babies born at home in Australia (I’m Australian, I use Australian statistics ) were live born, wouldn’t that indicate that it’s a pretty reliable way to give birth?

I believe in attachment parenting, not because I think it’s the only way but because it is what works best for me and my family. I believe just like with medicine there are alternatives to the sometimes harsh methods we’re otherwise told to use. Call it a holistic way of parenting. Spanking for example looks only at fixing the problem at hand without worry of possible negative problems, gentle guidance looks at the child as a whole and works with them through each temper tantrum and episode of misbehavior, it works on them as a person not just on single behaviors.

Anyway, that’s my bit for the day. I get migraines, doing some ‘hippy stuff’ to try and make them easier to live with, I’ve got a pretty good education and working on getting a better one, I believe in abortion and homebirth and attachment parenting.

I support homebirth but…

There has been a tragedy in the Australian Homebirth community. A young mother has died in hospital when she transferred after the birth of her second child.

It’s the first Homebirth maternal death in Victoria in over 15 years.

It truly is tragic and my heart goes out to her family at this truly awful time.

True to form the Australian media are having an absolute field day with it from calling for homebirths to be banned to printing misleading and inaccurate ‘details’ in order to push their anti-Homebirth agenda.

But it’s not just the media.

Many members of the public are saying things like…
“I support homebirth but only with a qualified midwife,”
“I support homebirth but only if you live within a certain distance of a major hospital,”
“I support homebirth but only for low risk births,”
Or
“I support homebirth but only if it’s been approved by an OB.”

Conditional support is not true support.

It’s like saying, “sure you can get a hair cut but only if you get a bowl cut, anything else should be outlawed.”

There is a lot of fear surrounding homebirth and birth in general. I believe it’s because Homebirth is so ‘out there’ and ‘different’ that it couldn’t possibly be safe. It’s because we that hospitals are safe places and doctors can always save the day that something we deem scary could be deadly if done without them.

Yet on average 20 women a year die in births in hospital. The death after a Homebirth (which happened in hospital anyway) is the first in 15 years. I’m no mathematician but that would tell me that women die in hospital too, right? So when a woman dies after a planned Homebirth then all births at home must be outlawed, but when a woman dies in the hospital then all women must go to hospital because that’s the safest place? That logic doesn’t make sense to me. You can find out more statistics about birth in Australia at this website.

I support all women’s choices during birth.
Whether it be in hospital or at home, with or without medical assistance, every woman has the right to chose.

Of all the planned homebirths I’ve known about or read about I’ve never seen anyone say “I don’t care about mine or my baby’s life, I’m going to pop this baby out at home so there *raspberries*”

No one cares more about their babies then their mother. No one is birthing at home for the candles and the panpipes. All the homebirthers I know do it because they believe that it is best for their families.

That is why I support their choices because the choices are not mine to make.

I don’t always agree with every choice my friends make but at the end of the day I stand beside them. That is support.

I am not linking articles about the recent death in Victoria, it has had enough coverage. But here is a candle for her and her babies, may there be light in the darkness.

Being an effective labour support

Let’s face it, the days of birth being a man free zone are over and these days it is almost expected that the father will attend the birth. If you’ve never even held a newborn before, the prospect or watching your partner give birth can be quite a daunting one.

Being a support during birth can be a huge responsibility and there are good and bad birth supports. It’s not a good look, for example, to sit in a chair reading the paper while your wife screams for ice during a contraction. However it can be hard to know what to say, do and offer during what can be an intense few hours or more likely days.

The key to being a good birth support is to be prepared.

Read and research
Don’t leave all the preparation up to the birthing woman, if you’re going to support her you also need to know the facts of birth too. Watch YouTube videos, read books on birth, ask her bookmark websites she finds of interest. Birth Skills by Juju Sundin is a great book on active birth and a good read for birth partners. There are plenty of suggestions for positions, movements and visualizations.

Know the plan
Talk about the birth plan, know it like the back of your hand. If you’re birthing at home then know the transfer plan. Chances are you may need to be her voice in the instance of a transfer so you need to know what she wants.

Have your own hospital bag, just in case
Birth can take a long time, if you’re birthing in hospital or in the event of a transfer remember to take with you the following
- toothbrush
- toothpaste
- change for the vending machine or canteen (many hospitals don’t provide food for the partner)
- togs for the shower or bath (hospitals don’t like too many people running around in the nude)
- change of clothes
- spare batteries for the camera
- phone charger
- spare copies of the birth plan

Make sure you’ve watched a birth before
On TV stylized birth does not count. Get on YouTube and search home births, water births, free births. Watch a real birth that shows everything. Make sure you see a picture of a placenta.

Be prepared to be assertive
For some reason medical staff love to ask mothers questions mid contraction, be prepared to say “no she doesn’t want an epidural” or “back off with that needle!”. Insist that they ask again after the contraction has passed. Ask for time to discuss decisions as well. Make sure you watch after the birth of the baby and before the delivery of the placenta. Ask them what they’re doing and make sure they tell you. If you don’t want the cord clamped tell them to stop. Refer them to the plan.

And finally some practical suggestions
Massage the lower back during early labour during contractions
Heat packs for back labour
Ice chips for rehydration
Rescue remedy to sip in between contractions
Clary sage oil burnt in an oil burner
Shower on the back during early labour and into the tub when labour is well established
Offer light food like toast or clear soup during early labour
Keep those fluids up
Stress balls
Photos for visualization

I would highly recommend hiring a doula or birth attendant, remember many hands make light work. Labour can take a long time and can also be tiring for the support person, so having a team of support can help your partner to avoid burning out. They’ve also done this all before and can offer practical hands on support and suggestions when dad starts running out of ideas.

The doula who supported me through my first birth was also a huge support to my husband and we can’t imagine our daughters birth without her being a part of it. The birth attendant who supported me through my son’s birth was amazing, she made a bad situation okay and I owe my breastfeeding relationship to her support.

It’s not just about where you birth

I hear it often, but I don’t homebirth so the new regulations don’t effect me/aren’t worth my time.  I hate to break it to you, but the fight for homebirth effects everyone.

Only 3% of babies in Australia are born at home.  Fewer still are considered high risk pregnancies.  So it’s safe to say that a majority of women are not giving birth in their homes.  So why make it illegal?  Why make a big fuss?  Why make it a big deal if the plan in’t to move on to bigger things?

First goes homebirth, then what?  VBACs?  Birth centres?  Vaginal deliveries for high risk patients?  Any choices in birth?  Will we lose all bodily autonomy?

What about the choice to vaccinate?  Or refuse treatment for our children?  Will those choices go too?

The assumption that your birth choices are protected because you are birthing within the hospital system is wrong.  The truth is once a system starts dictating where you can birth (as in only in hospital no where else) those who believe the system is right will go to hospital, those who believe it is wrong will be forced underground.  And so will dawn the new era of Freebirth.

But will these women be persecuted for choosing to have their babies at home?  What if, heaven forbid, their babies die, will this bring further charges and persecution?

Whether you believe homebirth is safe or not, whether you believe it is for you or not, the fight for homebirth is about all birth choices.  Just as soon as they take this choice away they could strip us of birth centres, waterbirths, delayed cord clamping, and even elective csections.  This is about securing choices for all women and all babies.

So please, write to your local MPs, attend rallies, and support those women brave enough to put themselves out there for the fight like Janet Fraser.

No place for hate in birth

I suppose I was incredibly naive when I first started blogging. I never expected to fobs entire blogs dedicated to hating on natural childbirth advocates. I never expected to read post after post about how attachment parenting is at best over the top and at worst abuse.

I never expected to rants about my friends calling them every horrible name under the sun. And then seeing these same people complain about being ‘judged’ and wondering why we can’t all get along.

When I first befriended a few natural childbirth advocates I had no idea who they were, all I knew was that they were willing to support me through what was proving to be a difficult pregnancy. Now people see them on my blogroll and assume that I am anti-csection and anti-modern medicine, as they assume these friends are too.

I never knew the true extent of the us vs them mentality. I’ve noticed many bloggers lump everyone pro-natural birth into one category. Now granted there are some who are more extreme and there are some who go over the top, but a majority of natural childbirth advocates are first and foremost pro-choice.

On a homebirth forum I frequent the question has been asked time and time again, would you support the woman even if you didn’t support the choices she has made, the answer is almost always a resounding yes, give the facts, give your opinion but ultimately the choice is not ours and every family deserves support.

So much for natural childbirth advocates only supporting those who meet the select criteria.

We all support and advocate for different things. While I believe in natural parenting, you might be passionate about issues pertaining to working mums, or mums of higher order multiples, or children with chronic health conditions. Does it mean we can’t learn from each other? Of course not.

So why purposefully stalk, vilify and mock those who advocate for a cause that you personally don’t agree with?

Dr Amy is one of the worst. An apparent doctor she is so anti-home birth it’s not funny. She seems to just google home birth and then screen cap and post every little thing she finds. She’s American yet she’s posting forum threads from Australia, from bubhub actually, of a member simply asking some questions about homebirth. She mocks, she makes cruel and carry remarks, and she blogs in a way that is incredibly unprofessional. I wonder if her patients know what she’s like.

I’ve never had a homebirth, and as we’re planning no more children I know I never will. I know it is safe for a majority of women though, and I will continue to advocate for women’s choices.

Because if the homebirth option goes then what is next. Birth centres? Birth pools in hospitals? Going over 40 weeks? Natural birth of multiples?

Abortion? IVF?

Don’t be fooled into thinking this is just a homebirth ‘thing’ – this is a threat to our reproductive rights as a whole.

The us vs them mentality needs to go. All women deserve the right to chose how they want to birth, be it homebirth or elective csection. All women deserve to be truly informed to then make the best decision for them and their pregnancy.

And let me make it perfectly clear, there is no place for hate in birth. So keep your hate to yourself, Dr.