Attachment Parents Are The Best Parents

You heard it here, right from the horses mouth, Attachment Parents are the best and all other styles of parenting are negligent.

That’s right if you don’t subscribe to the AP way then you may as well leave your children in the woods to be raised by wild animals because they would do a far superior job.  If you bottle feed, sleep your baby in a cot, have a routine, feed your child puree, let them watch television before their 2nd birthday, send them to mainstream school or vaccinate you are truly a monster not worthy of being a mother.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  You are awful!  Your children will grow up to be detached emotionless criminals filling up our prisons and terrorizing our aging population.

I’m not serious.  I don’t believe that.  In fact many of the things listed I’ve done or plan to do in the future.  But just think.

How many times has it been said that attachment parenting creates unhealthy connections between mothers and babies, or spoils children, destorys marriages, elevates children to the position of parent, doesn’t give children the discipline or routine they need, is permissive.  Is wrong?

And that is seen as a normal critique of parental choices, yet on the flip side if you dare even think that a mother may not have her babies best interests at heart when she opens a copy of Tizzie Hall’s latest ‘book’ then you are JUDGING ME!

Let’s look at this seriously.  It’s okay to call anyone who has had a birth plan a Birthzilla but if you question the author on her choice to sleep train her infants you are a hater.  Truly, just ask about the Gift of Sleep in a less then complimentary fashion on Mia Freedman’s twitter, facebook or mamamia website, or the Gift of Sleep’s facebook and count the seconds before your comments are deleted and you are blocked.  In fact comments on the blog posts about The Gift of Sleep on Mamamia are totally blocked.  Apparently Mia Freedman is free to bash homebirthing women, anti-vaxxers, breastfeeding women and attachment parents but can’t take a hint of criticism herself.

And how many times have we been told that we’re creating a rod for our own back?  That our babies will never be off the breast.  That they will be in our bed FOREVER.  That this is our future

And we should be very very afraid.

Honestly, I’m not concnerned, if DS is still wanting a boob when he’s a grown man it certainly won’t be mine he’s chasing.

But seriously, why is it okay to say negative and horrible things to women choosing the attachment method of parenting but when they even casually question a more mainstream approach it is seen as judgement.  I have had nasty horrible things said to me especially regarding the apparent sexual nature of breastfeeding but when I simply stated “but isn’t a bottle just an imitation nipple” I was said to be mean, nasty, judging, it’s not my fault I couldn’t breastfeed, stop acting so superior.

Ho-Hum.

All I’m asking is this.  If you’re going to make broad sweeping statements about my parenting then be prepared to hear a few about yours.  I’m not going to lie down and take false accusations of stunting my childs development, or underhanded comments about the future of my marriage with a smile and a nod.  No way no how.  No.  I’m not that sort of woman.

Not when I have chosen my methods based on what is best for my child not always what is easiest or most convienent.  I don’t subscribe to the “happy mum happy baby” line to justify every decision that may have negative consequences.  I don’t believe this is a stage of my children’s life to simply be endured but a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Emotional stability comes from having a strong framework to begin with.

If you find my way of parenting confronting or if it makes you uncomfortable well I don’t apologize because quite frankly how other people (other then my children and husband) feel about how I run my house does not matter to me.  Yes I take into consideration the opinions of family, their opinions matter to me and I value them.  Random other mother, hate to break it to you but I don’t care if you think that I ruined my baby by “letting” him sleep in my bed, you don’t want to know what I think of your choice to stop breastfeeding at 8 weeks so you could go party with your girlfriends and leave the baby with your husband as per usual.

Spite?  Little bit.  I’m tired of defending my choices to people who judge in one breath and claim judgement in another.  We all judge, a lot.  It’s how we make choices about what is best for us.  Perhaps some people should take a look at what they’re about to say before they say it and ask themselves, am I adding to the conversation in a constructive way or am I pushing that person away with my ill-informed opinions?

Judgement – Who does it serve?

When a good friend of mine began telling people that she had plans for her daughter would be going into daycare a couple of days a week when she went back to work after just under 5 months she may as well have told people she had enrolled her in the best Hitler Jurgen program.  The judgement came thick and fast, and a lot of it was really cruel.  This friend of mine is a highly educated, highly successful, highly skilled woman who loves her job.  She worked really hard to get to where she is and was really looking forward to going back part time.  She is also a brilliant mother and that baby loves her to absolute pieces.  She couldn’t do a more fabulous job if she tried.  And yet people called her all sorts of nasty things, including ignorant.

This woman is far from ignorant.

On the flip side when I said I was getting out of the Navy after my daughter was born as it was the best decision for my family I was told I was making a huge mistake, I was an idiot, we’d never survive on just one income, blah blah blah.  It was my decision, no one elses.  And honestly, I have enjoyed being a stay at home mum.  I’ve been very privledged to have this time with my children and I’ll never get it back again.

So when I started studying and working from home I copped judgement again.  How do you find the time, do you neglect the kids to get it done.

Quite frankly it’s word vommit.  It’s people spewing their issues on other people becuase they’re making choices that they don’t understand and haven’t taken the time to gain a better understanding of.

Simple.

Gone are the days of women only having one option.  Have babies no longer equates to being a stay at home parent.  You don’t only go back to work because you’re broke.  Shock!  Horror!  I work because I want to!  I work because I love what I do!  I work becuase I find it fufilling, rewarding and enjoyable!

Now I have chosen to work from home because I believe it gives me the very best of both worlds.  However next year, I’m going to be doing some part time work outside the home.  Some of it may even be overnight.  Shocking.  The children will mostly be looked after by their father, or should I say parented by their father on those evenings.  I’m very fortunate that in my husband I have a competent and willing coparent.

DS will be 2 when he goes to daycare 1-2 days a week.  I believe it will be good for him.  He enjoys creche for an hour 3 times a week while I go to the gym.

I don’t think I could have put the kids into full time childcare, even now that they’re toddlers rather then babies, but that was my personal choice regarding what worked best for me and my children.  That’s not about anyone else.  Now that they’re older I feel ready so that’s what we’re doing.

Working, stay at home, work from home, entrepanuer, self employed, consultant, whatever you call yourself.  The judgement of others means nothing.  What is important is what you think, feel, and believe about yourself and your situation.  If you believe your situation is no good, change it.  Reach out.  There are great opportunities out there.

It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you love doing it.  You don’t even have to do just one thing, or wear one hat.  I myself wear many hats.  Mum, wife, student, business woman, friend, sister, daughter… I could go on and on.  I am no defined by a job or a title.  I am who I am and I do what I do.

And I’m pretty darn good at it too.

I bet you men don’t label themselves as stay at home dad, working dad, work from home dad, I bet they don’t whisper judgement about each other.  I doubt it even registers.