Aren’t we all a little judgemental? And is it always a bad thing?
All too often I am told when I write something someone doesn’t agree with that I’m being judgmental. I believe that my way of parenting is the only way and I make parenting in any other way virtually impossible, apparently.
What a load of hogwash.
Firstly, we are all judgmental. How else do we determine what is right and what is wrong for our children and families? By using our better judgement.
Secondly, judgement isn’t always a negative. If I said, for example, that
Tizzie Hall was a miracle worker Tizzie Hall saved our sleep Tizzie Hall is a nice person, that would be a positive judgement. Think about when you tell someone their kids seem so happy and healthy, positive judgement.
Thirdly, why is it okay for some people to be judgmental and not others? Statements like I should be ashamed if myself, is this not passing a judgement on me? I’ve been told I’m smothering my kids with affection, this is okay too apparently. Not to mention the anti-attachment parenting groups and the first one that comes to mind is the parents against co sleeping group. Now don’t tell me that group is judgment free.
Are we not all judgmental in our day to day lives? Watch the news. How do you feel about what you see? The pit bull attack on the 4 year old. Pit bull lovers blame the owner (wasn’t trained correctly or tied up or enclosed well enough etc) while anti-pit bull voices are shouting that it’s a dangerous breed. My judgment is that it’s an absolute tragedy and may that sweet girl rest in peace. But aren’t both sides being judgmental?
Look I believe that people shouldn’t be unfairly judged but if you are going to put yourself out there then what do you expect?
Furthermore parenting ‘experts’ who publish books are going to have their works critiqued. It’s not a personal attack or judgment on the reader, it’s a critique of the work of that writer.
Look I have friends who parent in all sorts of ways. Attachment parents, mainstream parents, routine mums, even mums who use bits and pieces from SOS. We have been friends before I blogged and after. They see my writing for what it is and know it is not a personal attack.
In conclusion, we all judge. Not all judgment is mean and nasty. If you’re going to accuse someone then first look at your own patterns of behavior. And remember not everything is a personal attack.
Which brings me to my final point. When I stopped breastfeeding my daughter under dodgy medical advice I will admit to believing every positive I read about breastfeedif felt like a negative judgement towards me and my baby. It wasn’t, but I didnt know that. I couldn’t see passed my own guilt and frustration to realize it was about those babies and their breastfeeding relationships and not a reflection on my abilities as a mother. As my confidence as a mother grew I was able to separate the benefits of breastfeeing and how positive it can be and my own feelings about weaning my daughter. It’s been 2 years now and I still feel the pang of guilt about our experience but I didn’t let that stop me doing better with my son.
It took reading what felt like some pretty harsh criticism to make me realize I had done wrong and I needed to do better. And though it hurt to read it I’m glad I dis because I have done better. Sometimes being ‘judgmental’ is helpful, because although they may not thank you or be happy with you, you may be placing the seed in their mind that helps them become better mothers.