Attachment Parents Are The Best Parents

You heard it here, right from the horses mouth, Attachment Parents are the best and all other styles of parenting are negligent.

That’s right if you don’t subscribe to the AP way then you may as well leave your children in the woods to be raised by wild animals because they would do a far superior job.  If you bottle feed, sleep your baby in a cot, have a routine, feed your child puree, let them watch television before their 2nd birthday, send them to mainstream school or vaccinate you are truly a monster not worthy of being a mother.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  You are awful!  Your children will grow up to be detached emotionless criminals filling up our prisons and terrorizing our aging population.

I’m not serious.  I don’t believe that.  In fact many of the things listed I’ve done or plan to do in the future.  But just think.

How many times has it been said that attachment parenting creates unhealthy connections between mothers and babies, or spoils children, destorys marriages, elevates children to the position of parent, doesn’t give children the discipline or routine they need, is permissive.  Is wrong?

And that is seen as a normal critique of parental choices, yet on the flip side if you dare even think that a mother may not have her babies best interests at heart when she opens a copy of Tizzie Hall’s latest ‘book’ then you are JUDGING ME!

Let’s look at this seriously.  It’s okay to call anyone who has had a birth plan a Birthzilla but if you question the author on her choice to sleep train her infants you are a hater.  Truly, just ask about the Gift of Sleep in a less then complimentary fashion on Mia Freedman’s twitter, facebook or mamamia website, or the Gift of Sleep’s facebook and count the seconds before your comments are deleted and you are blocked.  In fact comments on the blog posts about The Gift of Sleep on Mamamia are totally blocked.  Apparently Mia Freedman is free to bash homebirthing women, anti-vaxxers, breastfeeding women and attachment parents but can’t take a hint of criticism herself.

And how many times have we been told that we’re creating a rod for our own back?  That our babies will never be off the breast.  That they will be in our bed FOREVER.  That this is our future

And we should be very very afraid.

Honestly, I’m not concnerned, if DS is still wanting a boob when he’s a grown man it certainly won’t be mine he’s chasing.

But seriously, why is it okay to say negative and horrible things to women choosing the attachment method of parenting but when they even casually question a more mainstream approach it is seen as judgement.  I have had nasty horrible things said to me especially regarding the apparent sexual nature of breastfeeding but when I simply stated “but isn’t a bottle just an imitation nipple” I was said to be mean, nasty, judging, it’s not my fault I couldn’t breastfeed, stop acting so superior.

Ho-Hum.

All I’m asking is this.  If you’re going to make broad sweeping statements about my parenting then be prepared to hear a few about yours.  I’m not going to lie down and take false accusations of stunting my childs development, or underhanded comments about the future of my marriage with a smile and a nod.  No way no how.  No.  I’m not that sort of woman.

Not when I have chosen my methods based on what is best for my child not always what is easiest or most convienent.  I don’t subscribe to the “happy mum happy baby” line to justify every decision that may have negative consequences.  I don’t believe this is a stage of my children’s life to simply be endured but a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Emotional stability comes from having a strong framework to begin with.

If you find my way of parenting confronting or if it makes you uncomfortable well I don’t apologize because quite frankly how other people (other then my children and husband) feel about how I run my house does not matter to me.  Yes I take into consideration the opinions of family, their opinions matter to me and I value them.  Random other mother, hate to break it to you but I don’t care if you think that I ruined my baby by “letting” him sleep in my bed, you don’t want to know what I think of your choice to stop breastfeeding at 8 weeks so you could go party with your girlfriends and leave the baby with your husband as per usual.

Spite?  Little bit.  I’m tired of defending my choices to people who judge in one breath and claim judgement in another.  We all judge, a lot.  It’s how we make choices about what is best for us.  Perhaps some people should take a look at what they’re about to say before they say it and ask themselves, am I adding to the conversation in a constructive way or am I pushing that person away with my ill-informed opinions?

The Gift of Sleep – A Review

I’ve read the Gift of Sleep. Despite being told by Mia Freedman herself that I would change my mind about it if I read it, my opinion remains the same.

What a load of rot.

Let’s start with their evidence.

From a more formal perspective, it would be remiss of me not to mention that in 2004 the Australian Association of Infant Mental Health released a Position Paper stating its concern for the practice of controlled crying (where ‘crying’ meant a child in distress rather than the fussing sounds a child makes when settling or adjusting to different circumstances). They also state, ‘Although controlled crying can stop children from crying, it
may teach children not to seek or expect support when distressed.’

Again, I urge you to read the sentence I have highlighted in bold.

This comes from Australian Association of Infant Mental Health, they are experts on Infant Mental Health and they are very much against controlled crying. They warn that controlled crying may stop a child from seeking help when they are distressed.

According to Elizabeth Sloane this isn’t reason not to use the method.

No, she’s not joking. Apparently infant mental health is not important in sleep training.

What happens to these babies when they grow up and have learnt not to get help when they communicate their needs? I shudder at the thought.

Murdoch Children’s Research Institute study on sleep interventions is mentioned a lot but is not delved into further then what is said on the website. Firstly, only 225 children were involved in the study, pretty small scope.

There is no mention of how the data was collected. How was their mental health studied? Was it by an extensive psychological review or simply by questionnaire?

The techniques “include” controlled crying but there is not mention of what else other then a positive bedtime routine. There is no mention of feeding methods, diet, whether or not they went to childcare, prematurity, birth factors etc. Controlled crying is just one factor, among many.

There seems to be a huge focus on maternal mental health, which while it is a factor, it seems to be that sleep is the only cure. It’s not.

Fact is that 5 hours IS sleeping through for an infant. And most babies have a big block of sleep at the start of the night. So the problem may not be with the baby at all, but the parent who still thinks its appropriate to stay up until 12am but then is tired because their baby wakes at 3 and then 5am. Baby had slept 7-3, a good 8 hour stretch, so what’s the problem? Go to bed at 8 and get a good nights sleep yourself.

Postnatal depression is a real and debilitating condition, I know, I’ve been there. But how about instead of setting up unrealistic expectations of our babies and causing them harm in order to “fix” them we do this instead -
Get good support from our partners and loved ones.
Sorry Dad but baby is here and it’s all hands on deck, we know you have to work tomorrow and we appreciate you bringing in an income but if the dishes need doing, washing needs folding or mum is struggling with a fussy bub it’s time to step up to the plate. Instead of throwing a tin of formula into the shopping trolley in hopes that baby will sleep better, how about you wear her around the house tonight so mum can catch up on some rest. How about instead of poker night just like you do every Friday night you stay home while mum goes to the movies for the first time in months, or gets a haircut, or sleeps. Or how about just asking the question every tired mum wants to hear, “is there anything you need me to do?”

Keep breastfeeding!
It reduces the risk of PND because of the lovely hormonal cocktail it releases. And trust me, nothing sucks more then standing on cold tiles in winter at 2am waiting for a bottle to heat up. Yuck!

Get your nutrition right
I was barely functioning until I started supplementing with high quality supplements, which I’m more than happy to share about if you want more information. It wasn’t lack of sleep, I was simply lacking in vitamins and minerals, fixed that and I unlocked so much energy.

Don’t be in a rush to do it all
Parenting is a full time job. In the first months when you’re learning to parent, put it first. Other things can wait. So many mums try to pile their plates up with everything, playgroups before their baby can even lift their head, gymbaroo, swimming lessons, must lose weight, must keep up with friends, must go back to work ASAP, and every day is busy busy busy. Well busy days make for busy nights. Babies don’t need to always be doing something, my daughters early days were almost always spent at home with a walk around the block or to the corner shop for lunch (oh how I miss that little cafe) in the middle of the day when she was most alert. Once a week we went to mothers group, after she was 6 weeks old. Quiet, peaceful days spent reading to her, cuddling, playing with her little toys, snuggling, talking, she would lay in her bouncer in the morning sun while I hung out the washing and talked to her, and she would have nappy free time in the afternoon sun in the kitchen while I got dinner ready. This was how I battled PND. Not by “fixing” her sleep, because she has always been a relatively good sleeper even if she did wake through the night on and off until she was, shock horror, 18 months old, but by going at a pace that was appropriate for her age group. After she started crawling and sleeping during the day less I slowly added more and more activities to our schedule. When our second baby arrived and we moved, again I dropped right back to once a fortnight doing a planned activity and having play dates at the house for our daughter so DS could sleep. Then as he got older slowly building up what we did, now that he’s almost 18 months and she will be (sob, growing up too fast) 3 next month we are out most days of the week. What’s my point? Well Keep It Simple Silly. Have you ever had a very busy day and then, even though you are soooo tired, the minute your head hits the pillow you just can’t stop thinking and you can’t get to sleep? Same thing happens to babies.

PND is complex.
It’s not just about babies sleep. Babies sleep doesn’t ruin lives, it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Poor sleep plus poor support plus poor advice that leave mums feeling inadequate, that’s what does it. If you have PND contact PANDA or Beyond Blue, see your GP or midwife. This ebook will not solve your issues, despite it’s claims.

The Gift of Sleep claims to be endorsed by the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute but I see nothing on the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute’s to back that claim up.

Some other things in the book that concern me.

They recommend that from day one baby should be in their own room. This is contradictory to SIDS recommendations.

They use the old rod for your back line when talking about cosleeping and refer to responding immediately to your newborn as helicopter parenting.

They recommend introducing a “sleep friend” from 5 months, this contradicts the recommendation of no toys in the cot according to SIDS guidelines.

Elizabeth Sloane is set to have 20 years experience working will babies. Okay, as what, what are her qualifications? It’s never mentioned and I am none the wiser of what she is actually trained to do. Despite Mia Freedman assuring me that if I read the book I would know. I don’t. To me it’s just another “expert” giving the same controlled crying crap in a different wrapper.

And finally we come to Mia herself. She is incredibly invested in this venture. Professionally, it is published by her company but also personally. She has used this method with her children. She needs to defend it because she did it. That’s why she is so up in arms over any criticism, that’s why she can’t respond professionally and deletes all negative comments, because to her this is personal.

Now I will admit in an hour of pure frustration after being woken for what felt like the millionth time I did half-heartedly try controlled crying, but it felt so wrong I couldn’t continue. Small changes to my sons diet, warming up his room, and introducing some white noise and he’s sleeping a good 7 hours at a stretch and then resettling after a quick feed. And I’m going to bed a little earlier to take full advantage of that extra sleep.

I’m an adult, I made the choice to have children, they need me at night, I go to them. I’m not just their mum from 7am to 7pm, I am their mum around the clock, and wanting a cuddle at midnight is not going to ruin their cognitive development but leaving them to cry and cry and cry might damage their emotional development.

Mia’s first mistake was sleeping on a mattress in her babies room while her husband had the bed. Keep the baby with you and everyone gets more sleep.

In short, don’t buy the Gift of Sleep save the $20 and your baby the tears.

If the Gift of Sleep is so good, why all the mystery?

It seems the writers of The Gift Of Sleep eBook are banning anyone who dares suggest their methods be anything other then loving from their Facebook, twitter, and YouTube pages.

I have two things to say about it.

1. Don’t publish a book if you cannot accept criticism
That’s pretty straight forward but I’ll elaborate a little.

I’m a “mummy blogger” as in I write about my opinions on parenting and share a little of my parenting journey. From birth to breastfeeding to behaviour and boo boos (see what I did there with the Bs ) I write about what interests me and what is relevant to my family. Over time that has evolved. When I first starting blogging it was about boobs and birth trauma, with some other stuff thrown in the mix. I put it out there because I thought it was important.

And most of the feedback was just ace. Lovely people supporting me and sharing their own journeys.

Some of the feedback was critical and questioning, that’s also okay. I answered honestly and engaged them in open and frank discussion.

The only comments I ever deleted were personal attacks or just down right rude comments filled with racism, sexism, profanity or just hate filled rants.

But I expected people to question my parenting methods if I chose to talk about them in a public way.

Yes, some of it was harsh and at times a little hard to deal with, but I expected it.

If the authors of The Gift of Sleep are comfortable with their chosen parenting method then they will allow others to question it and then in return will engage them in frank and open discussion.

Let’s be real Mia and Elizabeth, you’re peddling the same old snake oil that baby trainers across the western world have been flogging for a while now. Ignore the protest cries and respond to the distressed cries. We’ve heard it. We get it.

It’s still ridiculous.

You see in a baby every cry is a form of communication.

But more on that a little later.

The second reason why I am worried about the blocking is this.

2. What have they got to hide?

I started this blog with the intent of being open and honest about what attachment parenting is all about. I’ve shown my struggles, I haven’t always painted with every colour of the rainbow. I’ve posted during wonder weeks about how damn tough it is.

Why? Not because I want to sway people away from attachment parenting or even parenting in general, but because I believe parents should have all the information about parenting before making choices so then they have realistic expectations.

If The Gift of Sleep is really as good as they say it is, why are they worried about criticism. What are they hiding? Why aren’t they upfront about the fact that it is controlled crying?

Let’s be honest, if a sleeping method involves crying that is timed by the parent before it is responded to is controlled crying.

There’s nothing wrong with calling controlled crying controlled crying, some parents will choose that method. There is something wrong with calling it something else simply to sell books to unsuspecting parents.

Woops. eBooks.

They’re also not upfront about the authors qualifications either. That also sends up alarm bells.

Pick a parenting author who is upfront and honest.

Dr Sears, is a doctor, paedatrition in fact. And he’s open and honest about it. You could even go and see him in his practice and see his license on the wall if you wanted.

Pinky McKay is a lactation consultant, and is endorsed by the Australian Breastfeeding Association.

Elizabeth Pantley is just a mum. Sorry mom, she is American after all. But she is up front about that. She presents the methods that worked for her family in a honest way and without a scrap of judgement.

Tizzie Hall? I think she was a nanny. Apparently she did a unit of study on psychology. Yet she makes huge statements about breastfeeding. Okay then.

Elizabeth Sloane? Who knows. I’m not willing to pay $19.95 to find out. Maybe she’s an expert in door knocking or carpet scratching.

Mia Freedman? She’s a shrill woman from the suburbs of Sydney who practices a form of detached parenting that makes me cringe and claims to be a voice for Australian mothers. I wish she’d just buggar off into obscurity to be honest.

And now picture this.

It’s dark, cold, and someone is crying. Their carer, sitting in another room is drinking a glass of wine and watching TV ignoring the cries.

The person crying is getting louder and louder, the carer looks at their watch. It hasn’t yet been 5 minutes so she refuses to go in.

The person crying is sweaty, has a headache from the crying, is distressed, but had to wait. The book says this is the only way.

Eventually the crying stops, the carers toast their success. In the dark room, perhaps the person is asleep, maybe they’ve just given up. They lay their in the darkness, heartbroken, no one is coming.

Why is that okay if it is a baby being ignored by their parents, but not okay if it is an elderly person being ignored by nursing home workers or a handicapped person being ignored by their carers?

Why is it disrespectful to ignore a crying adult but not a crying baby?

It is simple. Baby trainers don’t award babies the same status of personhood that they do adults and older children. They are simply a problem to be managed and their unhappiness a tool to make them some serious dollars. No other group can be as marginalized or as discriminated against as children are, because they don’t have a voice.

He’s not giving you a hard time, he’s having a hard time.

Parents check your ego at the delivery room door because it’s not all about you anymore. Truth is having a baby will change your life in more ways then buying cute outfits or rearranging your schedule to fit in gymbaroo. You will be tired, you will have little time to yourself and you will spend a lot of time consoling a cranky baby. Your fussy baby may infact just be a normal kid. Relax, one day they’ll leave home and then their sleep won’t be your problem any more.

However choose what you do in the mean time with great care. Babies are resilient, they do bounce, rolling off the bed one time won’t doom them to a life as the village idiot… Routinely and repeated ignoring of your child’s attempts at communication can have serious negative effects on their mental health. Secure and loving attachment is vital.

This doesn’t mean you have to cosleep or breastfeed until college, however if you find yourself scratching the carpet while your babies cries for you just ask yourself, would I treat a friend like this, and if I did would we be friends for very long?

If you want something to train, get a dog

Although I wouldn’t even submit my dog to the Tizzie Hall’s or Elizabeth Sloane’s of the world.

Let me put it this way. I often here about parents “not signing up for this” or their little ones being “unpredictable” or “out of schedule.”

Recently I heard about a mum who had a horrible night day 3 in hospital so was implementing a routine so it never happened again.

Seriously.

It seems this Elizabeth Sloane woman is the new flavor of the month. Her ebook has a forward by über bogan Mia Freedman. The method involved knocking on the door and scratching the carpet. Dead set.

I don’t know about you but if I were crying and someone started knocking on the door loudly shhhhing me I would actually be quite offended, if it were my partner or my parent I would be confused, if they can hear I’m upset then why aren’t the helping me?

As for the carpet scratching, well if I were crying and my husband started scratching on the carpet I’d probably suggest he seek out some professional help, that’s just crazy.

Now we haven’t been having the best of nights. A combination of stress due to break ins, and my sons teething means at 16 months he still doesn’t sleep through. But that is okay. He’s having a hard time not giving me one. And yes it is frustrating and yes I would love a night sleeping right the way through, but it will happen and in the mean time I just do what needs to be done, rocking, patting, feeding, it doesn’t take long to get him sleeping again.

We also recently got a dog. He’s a beautiful little Maltese x shih tzu who we call Raafy.

Now he sleeps in our bed at night, sometimes at our feet and sometimes snuggled in between hubby and I. I’ve woken to find him asleep on a coat I accidentally left on the floor and often he will follow me into DSs room when I go to feed him or resettle him. He doesn’t bark or even make a noise, if I didn’t know he had followed me I wouldn’t even notice he was there. When he’s tired he lays down and has a sleep, if the room is too loud he moves to another. He eats when he’s hungry and drinks when he’s thirsty. And he’s not a feral brat of a dog, he is content. We all need some “puppy training” so we can work well together, especially the kids, but all is well.

The same goes for my kids. They eat when they’re hungry, drink when they’re thirsty, sleep when they’re tired. And so do I.

And we’re all content.

What’s my point? My point is that if something sounds cruel and unusual then it probably. Scratching carpet or knocking loudly on the door isn’t a settling technique, it’s something a parent does to justify ignoring their babies legitimate need to be with their mother. It’s done so they can say, I didn’t leave her to cry, at 5 minutes I went and knocked on the door so she knew I was there. It’s an excuse, it’s a cry it out method. Children don’t learn, they just give up on getting what they need by communicating through crying. Simple.

Harsh? Probably. Sometimes things just can’t be sugar coated.

The Gift of Sleep is a method designed for convenience of parents not to help the baby sleep.

Considering when I suggested that leaving her baby with a relative stranger and drinking a glass of wine and watching Telly while said stranger used controlled crying methods on her small baby possibly wasn’t the best parenting choice Mia Freedman exclaimed “Quick!! Call DOCS!!” and then blocked me on twitter, I doubt she is going to engage any critics in any form of intelligent conversation about the ebook. That just raises more red flags for me.

Babies are demanding, their sleep isn’t always consistent and not all babies sleep through before 6 weeks let alone 6 months. With that in mind I think we need realistic expectations of baby behavior not cruel methods that could be damaging to a babies mental health.

If you’re gonna be dumb you gotta be tough

Have you ever watched Jackass? I have, plenty of times. I love it. It’s hilarious. The stuff they do, you’ve got to think “they must just have to switch off their brains to do that, everything in their rational self must be screaming DON’T DO IT!”

Does Mia Freedman have to do the same… Every single time she speaks or writes publicly?

She’s marketed as some sort of voice for Australian mothers but this Australian mother finds her uneducated opinions presented as facts as annoying and sometimes even offensive.

Her “journalism” techniques of “my friend said” or “I heard from a friend” are just cringe worthy. Anecdotal evidence is not good journalism sister.

And her loud shrill opinions on everything attachment parenting or homebirth – when she has neither had one nor spoken to anyone who ever has. Unfortunately a fair number of people read this garbage.

And then there’s this on breastfeeding. Which is just so full of anecdotal “evidence” of how “Breast Feeding Association” (there’s no association named that in Australia btw, she’s just made that up, it’s the Australian Breastfeeding Association and they do a bang up job).

And her latest ebook “The Gift of Sleep” which says a mum will knock on the door loudly, shhh and that’s the comforting part, oh god it’s just do bad.

The opening by Mia talks about how this baby “guru” who she paid $3,600 for the pleasure, came to her home and while Mia and her husband sat and drank wine and watched TV the guru settled the baby using crying techniques. But it worked!

And don’t you dare insinuate that Mia is anything less than a model mother or she’ll block you from twitter. Or call you a hypocrite because it takes all kinds.

Seriously did she really think that no one would disagree with her methods when she put them out their publicly? Really?

Anyway, I would love to see Mia being more factual and less “making it up as she goes along” but she won’t, so I’ll just have to avoid her at all costs

And as for her “Gift of Sleep” thanks but I prefer Pinky’s book, someone with actual qualifications that are out there for everyone to see and you don’t have to pay $19.95 to find out.