You’re important too, don’t you know?

I really really detest that statment.

You’re important too, followed by the don’t you know.  It’s said in a patronizing tone by someone who cares enough about you to notice that you’re struggling but not enough to actually offer you any real hands on support, usually.  If it’s said followed by, what can I do to help or let me take the little one for 10 minutes or so while you have a shower then wonderful.  However, we’ve probably all been there before.  Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about.

Mum – “I’m just so tired, the house is an absolute mess, and I haven’t had a decent shower since X was born 6 weeks ago.”

‘Friend’ – “You poor thing, you’re important too you know, it won’t hurt him to have a cry while you have a shower or a cup of tea, they have to learn independence at some stage.”

Face, meet palm.

If you’re a friend of someone who has just had a baby, do not tell her she’s still important or needs to make herself a priority.  She knows that.  She knows that she feels awful.  The thing is it is hard to ask for help directly, we all fear rejection to some extent, or we’re too proud, or we just don’t want to appear like we can’t do it on our own.  So instead of hearing, I’m too wrapped up in my baby hear this, I would love your help.

If you hear, I haven’t had a good shower in weeks, then offer to make that happen for her!  Sometimes a nice warm shower alone is just what I crave, and so when my husband comes home from a trip away one of the first things I ask of him is if he can watch our two so I can have a shower.  Simple, but after weeks of grabbing a shower here and there the freedom to just relax and not rush, and wash my hair without a worry is bliss.

If you hear, the washing is just not getting done, then ask where the machine is or offer to fold a basket while you chat.

Bring a meal.  Nothing is better then a meal cooked just for you.  Make it something simple she can just reheat.  Ask what her favourite is!  And if you can’t cook, bring snacks, fruit, coffee from her favourite cafe.

Instead of offering her crap advice like, would he be happier if he learnt to self settle, are you sure you have enough milk and so on, how about just asking, what can I do to help.

What do you need?

The best thing you can do for a friend who is struggling as a new mother is just be there for her and offer her your time, listen to her, make her feel like what she is feeling is real and valid.  Trust me it is so hard when all the other mothers seem to have it together, hair neat and tidy, make up, outfits that look decent and aren’t covered in reflux spew.  That’s tough, it feels like you’re the only one not making this work when the washing is piled sky high, you haven’t fed yourself more than a blueberry muffin in two days and getting out of the house feels like mission impossible.

So don’t tell her she’s important, that she needs to put herself first, that a happy mum makes a happy baby (*shudder*).  Listen, is she really saying she is having a hard time or is she asking for your help.  And if she’s doing the later, offer it.  It doesn’t have to be a big thing, if you’re already sitting there then fold a basket of washing, or if you’re already there then cuddle that baby while she showers.  Who doesn’t love a squishy newborn hug.

I promise you it’s those gifts of hands on support that are remembered long after the cards of congratulations go in the drawers and the cute gifted outfits are grown out of.  They cement friendships.  They are treasured.

So remember, food not flowers, is the present that will be treasured by new mums the most.

Respectful parenting

Imagine you lived in a world where kitten counters soared above your head, where beds came up to your chest, lounges and sofa took great skill to climb up on to and getting in and out of the bath posed a serious slip and fall risk.

Imagine you lived in a world where you had to rely on someone else for your basic needs to be met. You had to ask for food, water, clothing, to go to the toilet and to be put to bed. And when you ask it’s not slays heard, because although you know exactly what you mean only a few of your words are understood by those caring for you, it’s as if you speak two different languages.

Imagine having no control over when you do things, when you eat, when you bathe, when you come and go from your home.

Imagine you’re taken somewhere you really aren’t interested in going. You’re busy reading a book and suddenly without warning you’re picked up, put in a car and you’re off. While on this outing you’re expected to sit quietly and behave yourself despite a complete lack of interaction.  You only get attention when you really scream for it.

Imagine if being scared, bored, sad, frustrated, all meant you were naughty.

Imagine being barely able to communicate and yet no one around you takes the time to really listen to you.  Worse yet, because you can’t communicate effectively all the people around you talk to you in a condescending sing song tone like you’re some kind of an idiot.  All you want is to be treated like a real person.

Imagine trusting someone completely and loving them unconditionally.  Now imagine that person yelling at you, screaming at you, hitting you, taking away your possessions, locking you away, and calling you names.  The conflict, the confusion, the hurt.

Now imagine that you’re 2.

Our children trust us to love them, protect them and provide for them.  It’s our job to remember that children are still people worthy of dignity and respect.  There is no room for blame and shame in parenting.

Love your children.

What to buy for baby without blowing the budget

Every expectant mother wants to be 100% prepared for her new arrival. We nest, it’s only natural.

Companies know how to cash in on this and they present mums to be with exuberant lists of what they will ‘need’ for their new baby.

In reality you don’t need an awful lot.

What you don’t need
Now I will admit to diligently buying everything on the ‘list’ for my first. After all they were the experts and I was the novice first timer. I spent up big and bought the lot.

Well things didn’t get used, got washed but never used or lay dormant in their boxes. What a waste.

You don’t need – nappy wrappers, small muslin wraps, heaps of baby clothes, stuffed toys, highchair (at least nor straight away), bath seats, baby bath, bath toys, positioning devices for a sleeping baby, change table, nappy bag… Perhaps a shorter list would be what you do need..

What do you REALLY need for a new baby?
Newborns eat, sleep and poo. That’s it. They really don’t need a lot of stuff. Keeping in mind many people may want to gift things to you, it really is possible to keep costs low for a new baby.

Keep in mind that while secon hand does save you money it is essential car seats brand new and to replace a car seat if it’s been involved in an accident. Ensure all cots, prams and car seats meet the current safety standards.

You will need baby clothes. Now these are so cute, but trust me fiddly outfits are useless with tiny babies, they hate being dressed and undressed, you are better off with onesies. 6 long sleeved, 6 short sleeved and a few packets of singlets should suffice. A few pairs of socks and a jumper to keep baby warm. A few sun hats for summer or beanies for winter. Better yet, buy some wool and knitting needles and make yout baby a beanie while you anxiously await her arrival. I find my patterns at http://www.knittingpatterncentral.com. As for size, most babies fit 000 even if they’re a bit big at first. If funds are tight skip buying 0000 or buy off eBay.

Nappies. Either 20 MCNs, 20 terry cloth towels or a box of newborn nappies.

Somewhere for baby to sleep. Either your bed, a bassinet by your bed, a baby hammock or a cot in your room.

A car seat to come home in.

Large muslin wraps. I have 3 large good quality bamboo wraps that I used when he was 5 weeks prem and still use at almost 7 months. I have also wrapped my 2 year old with one.

A baby carrier. Now these may be seen as a nice to have but truly they’re an essential to the attachment parent. I used a mei tai when my babe was tiny and now we use an ergo and a moby style wrap. Huggabubs also get a good rep.

Prams are nice to have but you can put off buying that until baby is born. Same with a high chair, you won’t need a high chair for at least 6 months. You can bathe a baby in a sink, an adult tub with only a little water or you can shower together.

DO NOT BUY BOTTLES OR FORMULA IF YOU INTEND TO BREASTFEED. Even if you’ve been told to just in case, don’t. Those bottles and tin of formula could be the enemy to your breastfeeding success. If you’re planning on going back to work you can still breastfeed and I’d wait to buy a pump and feeding equipment until well after feeding is established.

Don’t forget to get yourself fitted for a maternity bra and buy some tops you’ll be comfortable feeding in. I prefer tops that button up myself.

Certainly not essential but we bought a glider chair off eBay and I use it every single day to settle my son for sleep or to feed when he’s distracted.

You can buy changing mats for about $20 which on any hard surface makes a great changing space.

As for decoration, well a few wall stickers that are removable can jazz up any space but if your nursery is just a glorified nappy room, I wouldn’t really bother.

As for toys, for some reason people give stuffed animals to newborns. Tiny newbies only care about milk, sleep and looking at your face. Don’t buy any yourself, accept the gifts and put them away. When your child is a toddler they will love the absolute fur off them! Infants love contrast in colors and textures, a rattle, a simple play mat and a mobile is really all you need. We have used the same bouncer for both children and I find it so useful, for putting baby down to go to the toilet, change my toddlers nappy, while cooking dinner (some tasks like handling hot pans or draining hot liquids really do require two hands). We use it sparingly (maybe 10 minutes all up every day) but it is handy. It doesn’t need to be anything flash, ours cost maybe $50.

We spent $200 on an electronic swing when our first was a baby, she hated it, our second also hates it, we’re donating it to our MoPS group this Friday.

Bottom line
You can buy what you like for your baby, but there is nothing worse then looking at a pile of stuff bought for a child that was never used and then adding up in your head how much money you could have saved or spent on other things. Take it from me, I could have bought a Thermomix so much sooner