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It is entirely possible to be so set in your ideals that you become totally closed off to the possibilty of learning from someone who lives a different lifestyle to us. I’ve been guilty of it. I’ve looked at others and thought, you’re parenting style is the total opposite to mine what can I possibly learn from you.

Literally closing myself off to any potetional to learn something new.

But everyone has different ways of doing things, everyone has different methods, everyone has something to offer.

I was watching 19 Kids And Counting, and I thought well I wouldn’t have that many children, and I certainly don’t believe dancing is evil, but I really admired how calm she was despite having that many children and her advice about always finding a reason to smile at the little ones has really given me a different point of view.

I know polygamy is not for me, but I admire their sense of community spirit.

Quins by Surrogacy showed me all about sacrifice for motherhood and friendship. Wow, what a loving piece of television.

But it’s not just about television. I consider myself an Attachment Parent, but I’m constantly learning from those who apply to a different parenting philosophy.

If we only ever listened to that which we agree with and never left ourselves and our ideals open to be challenged then we’d miss every opportunity to learn something new.

My most unexpected lesson was from Tizzie Hall’s Save Our Sleep. I fundamentally don’t agree with a vast majority of her advice. But when I read her book when my daughter was very young, I took that an early bedtime was key to a good nights sleep. So we set up predictable bed time rituals, got her into bed by 7 each night and ever since we’ve had few issues around actual bed time itself.

Tidbits of good advice can come from anywhere.

Just because someone uses a routine doesn’t mean she won’t have a great settling technique that can be applied to a baby led approach. Someone who doesn’t do BLW might have a great toddler friendly dinner recipe collection. Granny might be old school, but she may also have some awesome nursery rhymes and baby games up her sleeve.

We all know what advice just will not apply to us and that’s fine, just don’t follow it. But just because someone gave a bad piece of advice once doesn’t mean it’s all crap. You don’t open a cookbook, see your least favourite meal on the first page and then disregard the rest without even glancing at it.

And if the only lesson you learn us that you’re happy with the way you’re doing things do you’ll continue without change then you’ve still learnt something.

Keep your ears and your mind open.

I’m judgemental, and so are you.

Aren’t we all a little judgemental? And is it always a bad thing?

All too often I am told when I write something someone doesn’t agree with that I’m being judgmental. I believe that my way of parenting is the only way and I make parenting in any other way virtually impossible, apparently.

What a load of hogwash.

Firstly, we are all judgmental. How else do we determine what is right and what is wrong for our children and families? By using our better judgement.

Secondly, judgement isn’t always a negative. If I said, for example, that Tizzie Hall was a miracle worker Tizzie Hall saved our sleep Tizzie Hall is a nice person, that would be a positive judgement. Think about when you tell someone their kids seem so happy and healthy, positive judgement.

Thirdly, why is it okay for some people to be judgmental and not others? Statements like I should be ashamed if myself, is this not passing a judgement on me? I’ve been told I’m smothering my kids with affection, this is okay too apparently. Not to mention the anti-attachment parenting groups and the first one that comes to mind is the parents against co sleeping group. Now don’t tell me that group is judgment free.

Are we not all judgmental in our day to day lives? Watch the news. How do you feel about what you see? The pit bull attack on the 4 year old. Pit bull lovers blame the owner (wasn’t trained correctly or tied up or enclosed well enough etc) while anti-pit bull voices are shouting that it’s a dangerous breed. My judgment is that it’s an absolute tragedy and may that sweet girl rest in peace. But aren’t both sides being judgmental?

Look I believe that people shouldn’t be unfairly judged but if you are going to put yourself out there then what do you expect?

Furthermore parenting ‘experts’ who publish books are going to have their works critiqued. It’s not a personal attack or judgment on the reader, it’s a critique of the work of that writer.

Look I have friends who parent in all sorts of ways. Attachment parents, mainstream parents, routine mums, even mums who use bits and pieces from SOS. We have been friends before I blogged and after. They see my writing for what it is and know it is not a personal attack.

In conclusion, we all judge. Not all judgment is mean and nasty. If you’re going to accuse someone then first look at your own patterns of behavior. And remember not everything is a personal attack.

Which brings me to my final point. When I stopped breastfeeding my daughter under dodgy medical advice I will admit to believing every positive I read about breastfeedif felt like a negative judgement towards me and my baby. It wasn’t, but I didnt know that. I couldn’t see passed my own guilt and frustration to realize it was about those babies and their breastfeeding relationships and not a reflection on my abilities as a mother. As my confidence as a mother grew I was able to separate the benefits of breastfeeing and how positive it can be and my own feelings about weaning my daughter. It’s been 2 years now and I still feel the pang of guilt about our experience but I didn’t let that stop me doing better with my son.

It took reading what felt like some pretty harsh criticism to make me realize I had done wrong and I needed to do better. And though it hurt to read it I’m glad I dis because I have done better. Sometimes being ‘judgmental’ is helpful, because although they may not thank you or be happy with you, you may be placing the seed in their mind that helps them become better mothers.

The Evils of Ezzo

Right, Ezzo.  I put parenting advice into 3 categories, good, bad and Ezzo.  On Becoming Babywise makes Save Our Sleep look like an Attachment Parenting how to guide.  The advice is so abhorrent and has the potential to be very damaging.

Babywise has been linked to failure to thrive (FTT), poor milk supply failure, and involuntary early weaning.

On Becoming Babywise is actually the secular version of Preparation for Parenting.  A parenting course that uses exerpts from the bible to justify its parenting methods. 

Who are the Ezzos?
Gary Ezzo is in his 50s.  In 1983 he graduated from Talbot Theological Seminary with a Master’s of Arts in Ministry degree through a special degree plan offering Bible courses to ministers without college degrees.

His wife has a credit on the religious version and has said she is a nurse with a background in pediatrics, though her actual credentials are not made clear by the Ezzos.  

On the secular version Mrs Ezzo’s name is dropped and a peads name is in place, those his contribution seems to end at the foreword.

What is the basis of On Becoming Babywise?
Basically, it a hyperscheduled routine that breaks up a babies day into 3 parts.  Sleeptime, feedtime and waketime.  It discourages deviating from the routine and employs a cry it out approach.

It employs a feeding schedule the Ezzo termed parent directed feeding or PDF.       Though Ezzo frequently states PDF is “flexible,” his response to the “problem” of a two-week old infant falling asleep at the breast was: “You need to keep your baby awake during feeding time. Babies learn very quickly from the laws of natural consequences. If your daughter doesn’t eat at one feeding, make her wait until the next one. Don’t feed her between routine mealtimes; otherwise, you are teaching her to snack, not eat.” (Prep., p.193) Such comments have alarmed doctors and lactation consultants alike.

PDF does not take into account the differences in both breast capacity and stomach capacity.  There is up to a 300% difference in the milk storage capacity between two mothers.  Then there is the difference in babies stomaches, growth spurts, illness, teething.  PDF doesn’t take into account that breastfeeding is more then just nutrition.  It’s comfort, it’s thirst, it’s pain relief, it’s bonding.  It’s a natural sleep tonic!  Breastmilk at night contains powerful hormones to put baby to sleep.

Yet Ezzo recommends cutting night feeds at 8 weeks.  That’s right, no night feeds by 8 weeks.  I don’t know about you, but neither of my children could have gone without a night feed at 8 weeks.

Spanking? A 5 month old?
The Ezzos encourage biblical chastisement, and recommend it for babies as young as 5 months.  To me, that’s abuse.  Never the less, the Ezzo’s defend it as not being spanking but as necessary and backed up by god.  Here is what they say to defend themselves.

From Let the Children Come Along the Virtuous Way 
(Growing Kids God’s Way) 5th Edition, Chapter 12 

Cultural Spanking vs. Biblical Chastisement 

CULTURAL SPANKING is something parents do to a child. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT is something parents do for a child. 

CULTURAL SPANKING is a last resort punishment. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT is an objective form of correction. 

CULTURAL SPANKING attempts to change outward behavior. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT is used to change inward attitudes. 

CULTURAL SPANKING is performed throughout a child’s life. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT is nearly completed by the age of five. 

CULTURAL SPANKING frustrates the child. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT clears a child’s guilty conscience. 

CULTURAL SPANKING has no long term effect. 
BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT molds lifelong character. 

A rose by any other name?

Spanking is not appropriate at any age, and especially not for infants.  It does nothing but cause them pain.

What about crying?
Ezzo encourages parents to put baby in their cot at the designated sleep time and walk away, no matter how long baby cries for.  Could be a few minutes, could be hours, parents are not to go in.  Despite controlled crying being dangerous for a babies mental health not checking on a baby could be dangerous, what if he’s thrown up, soiled himself, twisted himself in bedding?

Doesn’t my baby need controlling?
In a word, no.  Babies rely on their very basic instincts, they have no wants, only needs and they need you, their mother, unconditionally.  Pick your baby up, rock him to sleep.  Babies have an infinite ability to trust, they trust their care givers to do everything for them.  Trying to control them and to train them and expecting them to just comply is a violation of that trust.

Your baby knows what he needs, trust your instincts.  Ezzo may claim to be helping you grow kids “God’s way” but in reality the advice is abusive, neglectful and harmful.

Don’t buy his book.

Read about a failed babywiser.