Goodnight, sweet baby

Goodnight, sweet baby.  Though you’ve been awake for hours and it seems you’ll never sleep, I cannot be too cross with you because you are here.
It was with a heavy heart filled with sadness that we said goodbye to your dear friend yesterday, and now the little things you do don’t seem to matter anymore.

Good morning, cheeky baby.  Coloured pencil in hand you proceed to draw on my walls.  That may come off, it might not either.  Doesnt seem to matter anymore, because you are here.
My saddness makes these small annoyances, once major frustrations, slip away.

It doesn’t matter, silly baby, if you climb all over me, or refuse my requests.
It doesn’t matter, tiny baby, if you dig in the mud, kiss the dog, throw your lunch.
Because you are here, and forever I am grateful that you are.

And it’s a strange mix of sadness, guilt and love that fills me heart. Sadness that she is gone, though I am grateful that she was here. Guilt that our lives go on as planned. But love, for the both of you.

Goodnight, sweet baby, yours and mine.

Getting out of the comfort zone

Before I had children I would have defined myself most likely by rank, number, job, posting location, and then my relationships to others.  What I did was clear, I was a sailor.  It was obvious.  I wore the uniform, worked in the appropriate location, spoke the jargon, go the salary.  Simple.  It was a big part of who I am.

Then I had my daughter, left the Navy and the lines became blurred.  I began defining myself by my relationship with others.  I’m Elle’s mother, I’m his wife, I’m having another baby, I’m Elle and Sam’s mother.  I’m a stay at home mum.  Even when I started studying that wasn’t a primary definition of myself.

Before children if I’d studied I would have told people I’m a student and then everything else.  After I had children everything I did for myself became secondary to what I do for others.  It seems as though what I did for myself was just not as important as what I did for my children.

Is this motherhood or martyrdom?

Now there is nothing wrong with defining yourself as a stay at home, work at home, working, studying mum if that’s what makes you happy.  But it wasn’t making me happy.  It was making me feel trapped.  Defined by my relationships and not a person in my own right.

So who am I?

I am Amanda.

What do I do?

Well lots of things really.  I am building my own business and working with others to build their businesses and follow their dreams.  I study full time from home, I’m working on my advanced diploma of naturopathy.  I am reenlisting in the defence force, Army reserves.  Everyone needs a hobby.

What about who you are to others?

Well there are these two adorable, smart, funny, beautiful children who called me either mum or mum-mum depending on which one you talk to I have a husband,  I’m sure he thinks of me fondly.  I have parents, they’re pretty rad.  Sisters.  A brother.  A brother in law.  Soon I’ll be an aunty, I am really chuffed about that prospect.

I guess I think of myself as an attachment parent, because that is essentially what I do.  But I don’t want my whole life and whole being to be defined by the fact that I breastfeed, ocassionally cosleep, babywear, did baby led weaning, use gentle settling techniques etc especially as now that my baby is 18 months old it doesn’t really matter how I fed him when he was 6 months old.

So essentially what I’m saying is this.  Don’t define yourself by the labels given to you by others.  Make your own choices and be proud of who you are and who you define yourself as.  If you define yourself at all.  Reach for the stars and follow your dreams, and take the negative criticism as a challenge.  Those who criticize our decisions and choices do not always have our best interests at heart, and if they do they may just not understand your choice.

But the choices are yours and yours alone.

Life is not about balance.  Balance is about feeling comfortable, and if we never venture out of our comfort zone we never grow and change.

Reach for the stars, that’s where the magic happens.

Fear

I was determined that I would be strong while my husband is away and I wouldn’t give in to feelings of fear.

And I didn’t, I was cool calm and collected.

Until it was time to start turning the lights off to go to bed.

I lay there hearing every single little noise. Every movement.

For those who don’t know, since May 1 we’ve had 2 cars stolen, a break in and several attempted break ins. Last night was my first night without another adult in the house since this all began.

So at about midnight I was standing in the kitchen having a drink of water when I heard the screen door open. The dog went for it, he went nuts barking his head off and I distinctly heard a voice say “oh shit” and running footsteps.

Well done Raafy – our trusty guard dog!

So tonight knowing that Raafy has taken up duties as “man of the house” (giggle) I’ll sleep a little sounder.

Autumn

It’s Autumn.

It’s not cold but there is a very different weather pattern happening. Trees are losing leaves, the summer rain has gone, the clouds are light and grey instead of heavy and black. There’s no humidity anymore. I love this time of year.

But does anyone else feel like there are just not enough hours in the day?

Lately my blogging has been quite sporadic because between parenting, studying, housekeeping, socializing, and sleeping, I’m not really finding time for much else. Throw in having cars stolen and our house broken into, it seems as though every last minute of every day is spent doing something. Or catching up on something that should have been done the day before.

Last night the small one only woke once overnight. Hallelujah! When DS woke up and I heard the shower going I thought “WTH, why is he showering at this hour of the night, he’s woken the baby!”

It was actually 5.30am.

Oops.

I’m actually finding myself really no longer interested in a lot of birth or newborn type stuff unless it really grabs me. I just don’t have the time. Majority of the reading I’m doing is course related.

Which, by the way, is going well. I have two subjects completed, Nutrition 1 and Naturopathic Philosophy with a credit and a distinction respectively. I’m now working on Herbal Medicine 1 and Anatomy and Physiology 1. I’m plodding along with it and very much enjoying it.

My mother in law will be here next week and we’re all very much looking forward to that.

It’s beginning to cool down overnight now and the kids are in winter pjs.

We’re getting there, albeit quite slowly at times. We’re waiting for a few things to happen and I know that they will.

Health wise I’m feeling fit, strong and healthy. I’m getting to the gym a couple of times a week and working towards my fitness goals.

Overall we’re doing okay. Having the cars stolen was a huge stressor but it looks like the end of that saga is very near.

Fingers crossed.

What having my car stolen has taught me

On Sunday evening while my family and I slept our family car was stolen. I really liked that car. It was my first car. A Holden Commodore 2003 V6. I liked it. It was nice to drive, comfortable, roomy, it was exactly what I was looking for in a car. And not to be vain but I think I looked good in it.

I am only on my learners at present but I was looking forward to a time when I could drive my car with my kids and by myself. I could picture it perfectly. Even down to what song I would have playing the first time I drove by myself. Sad I know.

Fuel by Metallica by the way.

Anywho so we went to bed on Sunday night and on Monday morning at around 5am my husband went to get something from my car so he could go to work… It was gone.

I’ve spent two whole days on the phone to the police, insurance, locksmiths, family, defence housing Australia, working my bum off to get this fixed. It was found Monday night. The gear box is wrecked. It was towed, we’re waiting for police to release it then the insurance agency to assess it. We won’t have it back for a while, if at all.

It’s happening more and more in Townsville. And it’s kids.

I was angry, very angry. I cried and swore and felt like shit for about 48 hours. Why us? Why our car? Why did they have to violate my feeling of safety and security in my own home? Why did they do this?

Then I woke up this morning and it clicked. Because no one loved them enough to know where they were and what they were doing. No one loved them enough to teach them right from wrong. Because they have no empathy for other people, why else would they steal an obvious family car (2 car seats would have been a big give away) and why would they steal the car seats or toss them. They stole the best of the wiggles for Pete’s sake!

They probably don’t go to school, why else would they be joyriding on a Sunday evening. So clearly no one loved them enough to teach them how important an education is to their future.

They probably learnt very early on that to get their parent’s attention they had to act up and now they don’t know how to behave.

I bet no one at home asks them about their dreams for their future, or their ambitions. No one cooks them a special birthday dinner or drives them to early morning band practice.

I bet they don’t have parents who watch, listen, and monitor their activities.

They’ve probably seen that positive behavior is ignored and only negative attention is acknowledged.

I feel sorry for them.

I was blessed with loving parents who cared about me and loved me enough to be involved. So while I wasn’t an angel, I knew right from wrong and I made good choices because I understood that a responsible member of the community doesn’t just think about themselves but the impact their choices make on everyone else.

I don’t believe it’s about whether or not a child is smacked or punished, this isn’t about that. I choose not to spank my children. I don’t think spanking kids will stop them from becoming criminals. I hazard a guess that lots of these kids were spanked, maybe even abused, but I also guess they didn’t receive much positive attention or guidance.

It sucks that my car was stolen, it is a huge pain in the bum trying to fix the mess, but I chose to let go of anger and accept that they made bad choices because no one loved them enough to teach them why they should make the right ones.

So I forgive. I don’t forget though. Believe me. I don’t forget. And I hope they are caught so they can be brought before a court of law and appropriately punished. Police and judges don’t have enough power against criminals in my opinion, they can’t even chase down criminals in a known stolen car.

But anger, bitterness and resentment eat you alive like a cancer. And I let go of that.

So I forgive, I learn from what has happened and moving forward into the future I do not forget.

What do you do all day?

As a mum a lot of the work I do is invisible. If you weren’t here to see the spill on the floor, you won’t know I ever cleaned it up. If you didn’t see the kitchen utensils scattered from one end of the house to the other, you won’t know I spent half an hour tracking them all down. If you didn’t see the tantrums, tears, settling for naps, breastfeeds, packing away of toys, reading of stories, trips to the park, kissing of boo-boos, explanations to the 2 year old about every. little. thing. and the making of, serving of and cleaning up after every meal – then its like it never happened and I did nothing.

If you come home of an evening and the house looks relatively the same, that means I got quite a lot done. Some days living with two active toddlers is like trying to hold back a hurricane with a single finger, it doesn’t work.

Other days we get extras done. I mean the quick clean of a bathroom or the making of beds. That is an extra.

Now that I study the “what do you do all day” question bites even more. I do a lot. A damn lot. My head hits the pillow every night and I am mentally and physically spent.

My house is not perfect and I make no secret of the fact that I hate housework. I hate putting washing away, or drying the dishes. I don’t mind vacuuming because it’s quick but I can’t stand mopping. Polishing furniture bo-ring. I’d much rather reread Louis Pasteur’s theory on germs then clean the toilet. I will admit I put the blinkers on and chose to ignore certain messes. Wish my husband could.

But it’s not my husband who asks me what I do all day, at least not outright on occasion it is implied. And I will admit before my first child was actually born I thought stay at home mum’s were all about Oprah, lunch dates, shopping and Playgroup. I was wrong. I look back now and laugh, one baby that was easy.

My toddlers can be an organized and efficient demolition crew. While I’m cleaning up in one room they are pulling the other one apart. I almost feel like one day my husband is going to open the front door and it will all come pouring out like opening a flood gate. Some days it is more war zone then family home, I’m sure mums of toddlers can relate.

When my first was a little over 1 she could pull out all her toys and spread them across the living room floor in under 30 seconds. I timed her. She’s a mess making machine.

I don’t believe in training toddlers to clean. My 15 month old loves to copy me with a rag wiping down surfaces and my almost 3 year old will put her toys back in the toy box. She’ll also tell me when there’s a mess and attempt to wipe up her spills. I don’t expect them to clean, I don’t expect them to do anything, cleaning is not their job, playing is their job. I’m often told you have to train them young. I don’t think so. If they went to childcare and were sweeping floors or wiping down tables I would be livid.

So mum’s, we do a lot, some of it can only be seen by us, or our children, while other things like our happy healthy well cared for children are a testament to everyone of the great work we’re doing. Forget the tidy house, as long as it’s not a pig sty then it doesn’t really matter. Engaging with your children, that is what’s really important.

Speaking of which, I have work to do

Sunday catch up

The wet season is over, the dry season is here. This is by far my favourite time of year.

It’s cool of an evening and in the morning but lovely warm and sunny in the day. Slowly the grass will turn crispy under foot.

It’s perfect weather to grow tomatoes, I should get onto that.

This dry season as opposed to last I have two walking one talking toddlers. I am so much closer to getting my drivers license. And I’m much more confident in myself and my parenting. I’m no longer in survival mode, I’m thriving!

I have 29 hours of driving left to do. Only 29 hours! I can do that!

I get a little bit more sleep, though it is unpredictable and some nights he sleeps through and other nights he doesn’t.

And I’m happier. And I’m healthier.

We’ve made big decisions. No more babies. We now have permanent contraception in place. Well, hubby does, I suppose I could have a love child if he were to deploy overseas, but that would require a lot of effort and I’m very lazy lol

I got my very first assignment back 30/30! Take that previous commenters who called me uneducated and picked on my grammar!

So we’re going well. I’m feeling okay about this wonder week. But I’m just at the beginning, ask me how I feel next week

The lemon tree

Last year, in the spring we bought a little lemon tree and repotted it and sat it in a sunny spot by the front yard.

About a month later the little lemon tree was covered in little white flowers and I was filled with visions of harvesting many many lemons. In my head I planned what I would make – lemonade, lemon cordial, lemon curd, lemon butter, lemon delicious.

Slowly but surely the little white flower fell off, and there were no lemons.

I kept watering and nurturing the plant but I was a wee bit disappointed.

I watched closely and at the end of the week I noticed two little tiny baby lemons. Small and green but full of promise.

More fertilizer, more water, more shuffling in and out of the hot Townsville sun. And slowly, very slowly, the two little lemons began to grow.

The wet season came and nature took care of the watering and I took care of the fertilizer.

Then one of the lemons fell off in a big gust of wind.

That was disappointing.

And as I harvested chilies, kefir lime leaves, carrots, snake beans, and then at the end of the wet yams, I watched the last little lemon grow bigger and bigger until it stopped.

For a week it stayed the same, no change, no growing just the same.

Earlier last week I noticed the colour changing, and this morning it looked almost yellow! We might get a lemon out of this yet!

Why on earth am I, a parenting blogger, telling you about my lemon tree?

Well it’s a lot like watching your child grow up.

When I first brought my daughter into the world I was filled with ideas of how she would be and for the first two weeks it was very much how I’d imagined.

Then silent reflux surfaced and much like the flowers falling off the tree and baring no fruit, as a mother it was disappointing.

But I continued and by the time she was a few months old she improved. Like the little lemons. And continued improving.

There have been set backs like tantrums and our mother/child relationship hasn’t always been smooth sailing. But now as she is truly a girl and not a baby, I can see her personality blossoming in front of me.

That one lemon when it is ripe will be the reward of all my hard work. Though to others it might seem like a small consolation prize, to me after months of hard work it will be a welcome reward.

My daughter is not perfect but to me she is amazing, she’s everything, and seeing her grow up into a wonderful young woman is worth the wait. I’ve never rushed her through milestones and I’ve treasured her at every age, good things come to those who wait.

Cutting down on screen time

Parenting is never easy. Those who seem to have it all together are probably just really great at juggling. It is all about balance.

I’ve come to realize that watching other people change their lives (*coughbiggestlosercough*) is doing nothing about changing my own.

Reading about great parenting choices is not making me a better parent.

Talking about it is not doing it.

My kids deserve the absolute best of me, and sometimes I get caught up in a great debate on a parenting forum and they just get me watching my iPhone. That’s terrible parenting.

Right now my daughter is watching a movie and my son is having a nap. I’m limiting my Internet time. I’ve said this before but I’m not a perfect person, I slip back from time to time.

I have been wondering lately, about no one in particular, but these “Mommy bloggers” who seem to be incredibly active on blogs and Facebook pages, how can they be so active online and be doing all the great things they say about their parenting. I’m not talking about the odd link coming up or a blog in the morning and a few shares throughout the day. I’m talking about a new blog, sharing some old ones, starting a conversation thread, share some articles, share some photos, share some pages, ask for sponsors, ask for shares.. It seems they’re online all day long.

And sure they share interesting and informative articles, but what about their parenting and their children.

So you’ll see me in the morning, blogging and maybe sharing a few articles and you’ll probably see me in the evening procrastinating when I should be studying and on the rare occasion when both toddlers nap I’ll probably post then too. But I’m saving the best of me for my children. After all that’s the reason why I’m studying from home and they’re the reason I’m working from home. Until they’re old enough to start school I want them here at with me. If I walked into a childcare centre and saw the carers on their phones (even if they were reading articles on gentle guidance) and the children fending for themselves I would be livid.

So I’ll be around, just not all the time.

As for the study, it’s going well. I’m learning so much and feeling very challenged. I put my knowledge of nutrition to the test in the supermarket reading labels and being able to tell my husband what was in the foods and what the ingredients were used for. This course is a great choice for me.

Instinctive Parenting is changing

It’s true! There are no little babies in the house anymore. There are two toddlers, one big and one small, but no babies.

And my focus is changing. Though I talk about birthing and pregnancy, these are past events for me and my family.

So as we grow and change as a family the focus of my writing will change. I’ll write about toddlers, family dynamics, gentle guidance, healthy eating, studying from home with children, and whatever else I feel like sharing at the time.

From time to time I’ll write about babies and newborns and birth and pregnancy. I have been there, I’ve done that and I love sharing about my experiences.

Happy Easter everyone, I hope you have a beautiful holiday with your families.