If you’re gonna be dumb you gotta be tough

Have you ever watched Jackass? I have, plenty of times. I love it. It’s hilarious. The stuff they do, you’ve got to think “they must just have to switch off their brains to do that, everything in their rational self must be screaming DON’T DO IT!”

Does Mia Freedman have to do the same… Every single time she speaks or writes publicly?

She’s marketed as some sort of voice for Australian mothers but this Australian mother finds her uneducated opinions presented as facts as annoying and sometimes even offensive.

Her “journalism” techniques of “my friend said” or “I heard from a friend” are just cringe worthy. Anecdotal evidence is not good journalism sister.

And her loud shrill opinions on everything attachment parenting or homebirth – when she has neither had one nor spoken to anyone who ever has. Unfortunately a fair number of people read this garbage.

And then there’s this on breastfeeding. Which is just so full of anecdotal “evidence” of how “Breast Feeding Association” (there’s no association named that in Australia btw, she’s just made that up, it’s the Australian Breastfeeding Association and they do a bang up job).

And her latest ebook “The Gift of Sleep” which says a mum will knock on the door loudly, shhh and that’s the comforting part, oh god it’s just do bad.

The opening by Mia talks about how this baby “guru” who she paid $3,600 for the pleasure, came to her home and while Mia and her husband sat and drank wine and watched TV the guru settled the baby using crying techniques. But it worked!

And don’t you dare insinuate that Mia is anything less than a model mother or she’ll block you from twitter. Or call you a hypocrite because it takes all kinds.

Seriously did she really think that no one would disagree with her methods when she put them out their publicly? Really?

Anyway, I would love to see Mia being more factual and less “making it up as she goes along” but she won’t, so I’ll just have to avoid her at all costs

And as for her “Gift of Sleep” thanks but I prefer Pinky’s book, someone with actual qualifications that are out there for everyone to see and you don’t have to pay $19.95 to find out.

Safe sleep for babies

Facebook is a wonderful way of connecting with people. And a great tool to find out what is going on in the world around us.

My friends list has many like-minded parents and women I admire on it. So when I saw yesterday that Pinky McKay would be appearing on the Project I had to check it out.

She was wonderful. She talked about safe co-sleeping and said exactly what all women need to hear, that ultimately they are the expert when it comes to their baby and parenting decisions are theirs to make.

Pinky, you rock!

The rest of the segment was cringe worthy. Filled with scare mongering and statistics manipulated to prove their point.

Did you know almost half of SIDS deaths happen while co-sleeping?

Doesn’t that mean over half the deaths happen while NOT co-sleeping?

QUICK BAN THE COT!

No mention of course of whether drugs, alcohol, smoking, formula feeding, sleep apnea, or prescription medications were used. All bed sharing risk factors. No mention either of the kind of bedding used or how the bed was set up. Just that the baby was in bed with it’s parent.

Let’s face it, putting your baby to bed anywhere has risks. It needs to be a clear surface free of heavy blankets, pillows, bumpers, gaps between the mattress and rails. This goes for the cot and the family bed.

With 80% of parents taking their baby to bed between birth to 6 months it is time to stop telling parents that everything they do is wrong and they’re going to kill their baby and start telling them how to parent safely.

Don’t drink around your baby. Don’t smoke around your baby. Avoid medications that make you drowsy if possible and if you can’t put them in their own sleeping space. If possible, breastfeed – breastfed babies are more alert and wakeful which means their risk of SIDS is lower then formula-fed babies. Don’t use thick doonas, there are plenty of warm options that aren’t thick and heavy.

I co-slept although both times it was for a short time but we did so safely and my babies were never at risk.

For more information on the co-sleeping concerns, Dr Sears has written this on his website.

No-Cry Sleep Solutions

We all want a good nights sleep, we all want to wake up feeling refreshed and recharged, we all want to know why everyone else’s baby is ‘finally’ sleeping through – and ours is apparently broken because she still wakes four hourly for feeds.

Many so-called sleep solutions will offer a one sized fits all approach, by x months your child will have x sleeps at blah o’clock and blah o’clock and will feed at a b and c and will not need feeding overnight.

If someone is giving you timings for sleep. feeds or bedtime without first meeting you or your child, disregard the advice.  How can they know what’s best for a baby without even laying eyes upon him?

I personally like the No-Cry Sleep Solution and Pinky McKay’s books.  Great advice, a good range of suggestions, without guilting the mother into thinking she has ‘created’ sleep problems and without forcing a routine or a set settling technique.

In The No-Cry Sleep Solution, the mother is encouraged to pick from a wide range of settling options and to use only what she feels will work for her child.  There is a HUGE range of settling suggestions, for newborns right through to toddlers dealing with a range of sleeping issues from waking frequently to needing a dummy to fall asleep.  Mum and dad write a sleeping plan and set realistic goals and track their progress every 10 days.  Elizabeth Pantley is onto a good thing, and I often hear success stories using her gentle and baby friendly methods.

Pinky McKay – I could sing her praises all day long!  I bought 100 Ways To Calm the Crying when my first was very young and since then have often referred to it when I feel I’m losing my mummy zen.  It’s a bit dog eared and worn now, but after two children who both have at times difficulty sleeping, I’m not surprised.  I’ve also got Sleeping like a Baby and Parenting by Heart, both are excellent books.  I recommend Pinky McKay to any mum who needs a little help.  Pinky McKay outlines what is normal sleep for babies and children and offers practical gentle techniques to help a baby settle and sleep.

Both methods recommend a before bed ritual and to follow it relatively the same each night, which I personally believe is key to gentle settling for sleep.  Babies love to know what’s coming next and winding down for the day really helps baby off to sleep.

At my house we have dinner, then a bath or shower, then a massage, then a cuddle for the toddler and a breastfeed for the baby, and then into bed.  Too easy.

Pinky McKay details what tired cues are.  I think it is essential in the first weeks and months of a babies life to really watch them and learn their cues.  What does she do when she’s tired?  Does she make jerky movements?  Do her eyes go red around the edges?  Does she begin to make hacking cries?  Does she root around for the breast with less vigour then say if she were looking for a feed after a sleep?  Learn the cues and you’ll be able to get baby settling for a sleep BEFORE the crying that comes with over-tiredness.

One thing I truly believe is that children thrive on an early bedtime.  It prevents that overtired state and makes settling so much easier.  Last night after a flight from Townsville to Brisbane and then a car ride I was trying to get my toddler to sleep at… 11PM!  It eventually happened, but it was the hardest bedtime in a long time.

The most important thing to remember about settling and sleeping is that babies will sleep through in their own time.  My daughter slept through from 16 months.  For 16 months I got out of bed every single night to feed her.  By 8 months she was having her feed and falling asleep before I even got her back in bed.  My son slept through at 8 months.  But he’s always been a sleepier kid.  In no way do I think he’s ‘normal’ or that should be the ‘standard.’  No doubt he will wake again through wonder weeks and teething, and I’m prepared for more sleepless nights and night feeds.

Do not compare your baby to others in your mothers group or playgroup.  Remember that unfortunately some people feel the need to brag about their babies, and usually sleeping through the night is the first thing they bang on about.  Their baby sleeps, who cares.  Remember that frequent waking through the night is a good measure for preventing SIDS and I always found those night waking reassuring when they were very small.  Don’t forget those extra feeds regulate your milk supply and every breastfeed is a boost to babies immune system.

Here is the information on the No-Cry Sleep Solution, an A grade book in my opinion.

Here is Pinky McKay’s website, who in my opinion is the sleep guru.

And I want to leave you with one final thought, yes tonight you may be up once, twice, four times or more rocking, feeding and loving your baby to sleep.  Yes at times it may be frustrating and yes it may be hard.  But in the blink of an eye that babe will be a toddler, and a child, and a teenager and before you know it you’ll be wondering when they’re coming to visit next and missing those baby days that seemed oh so simple.  Love your babies, enjoy them, these days do not last.

 

Cry it out or co-sleep

It seems like these are the only options if you’re having difficulties with your babies sleep. However there are other options and as a mum of a not very good sleeper, it feels like I’ve read and tried them all.

As an attachment parent, we only take on board the advice that is akin to our beliefs.

We’re making real progress.

First a little background. DS has never been the worlds best sleeper, but from 4 months on it got particularly bad. He was waking after every sleep cycle. We persisted with co-sleeping but he would only sleep when I moved away from him in the bed. We only have a double bed so it meant one adult squished or sleeping elsewhere. This worked for about a week before he refused to settle in our bed at all. We moved him to a cot within arms reach and he settled easier but still woke often, to have his dummy replaced.

After 3 months of shitty sleep we started making changes. I’ve used bits and pieces from the following books and finally we’re all getting a good nights sleep.

Sleeping like a baby – Pinky McKay
If you’re after a gentle sleep guide then let Pinky be your go to woman. She explains sleep in such a loving and baby centered way and she expresses the importance of breast-feeding. Her approach to sleep is realistic, there are no quick fixes. There are no routines as Pinky explains that every baby is different.

Pinky details a baby steps program to work towards better sleep and explains that mothers and babies should work through it at their own pace and move onto the next step when they’re ready.

Sleeping Like a Baby was a good starting point for us and gave us some good ideas for a bed time routine and a starting point for getting ready to change his sleep.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution – Elizabeth Pantley
This book had great information on the science of sleep and the setting of the body clock. It stressed the importance of a flexible routine but left the timings up to mum.

The actual settling solution was to pick from a long list of different techniques and then gently apply them with results expected to appear over a few weeks. The techniques range from patting, shooshing, baby massage, and swaddling depending on the age.

There are techniques to try while co-sleeping, we tried these but unfortunately DS would not have a bar of it. He clearly wanted his own space to sleep in.

Again there was a focus on continuing to breastfeed.

Babybliss – Jo Ryan
I will admit I was incredibly apprehensive about even picking up this book, I had heard bad things about it. It seems earlier editions advocated controlled crying or cry it out. However, the current advice is actually very baby friendly.

All the settling is hands on, patting and shooshing. Baby is never left to cry or even ‘grizzle.’ All settling is hands on.

The routines are very strict and we don’t follow them, although I like the idea of an early bedtime and find that DS sleeps better when he goes down for the night earlier.

What’s worked for us
We’ve cherry picked from all three books.

Now I know you’re ‘suppose’ to stick to one approach however I found tips that worked for us from all 3.

Now I know buying books can be expensive, so why not see if you can get them from the library or borrow them from a friend? Or perhaps look for an exerpt? Some eBooks are cheaper then a paper copy. Or perhaps just buy one.

Sleeping Like a Baby is a good general guide. The No-Cry Sleep Solution has lots of settling techniques. Babybliss is a very specific technique but I feel it’s worked for us.

Finally I think the road to good sleep is more like a dance. Some days my son is still shocking, but those days are becoming mess and less frequent. We recently all had the flu and it was back to rocking to sleep and bedsharing. The most important thing to remember is that there is no one size fits all approach for getting baby to sleep, different things work for different families. Keeping an open mind is also important.

And remember it won’t be long before you’ll be up all night wondering why they’re not home yet, listening for that key in the door and that heavy teenage foot on the stairs.

Dear Tizzie Hall

I’m calling bullshit on your piss poor advice. It’s been a good while since I’ve read your book, and it seems I can’t access even your FAQs without paying so please Tizzie, or one of your fans, direct me if I’m getting it wrong. I’m not forking out money for articles or to read more information on something I don’t agree with.

When I was pregnant with my first my then boss handed me a copy of Save Our Sleep. He told me it has changed his son’s sleep and all mothers should read it before they gave birth. I wasn’t a member of any forums at that stage, and I only dabbled a bit in Facebook, mostly to play Restaurant City, so I read it and it sounded good. The promises of sleep were tempting. There were bits I didn’t agree with like the pooing or the vomitting, so I figured I just wouldn’t do that. It is so easy to say what you’ll do as a parent BEFORE you become a parent.

The moment my baby was on my chest it all changed. I couldn’t and wouldn’t implement a regimented routine. I held her when she slept and fed her when she cried. And those moments truly were fleeting. Because when she was 3 months old she would no longer sleep at night if anyone was touching her, so she went in the bassinet in our room.

And until she was 16 months old (that’s right 16 months) when she woke at night I would immediately attend to her needs, and she would go back to sleep quite quickly.

Night waking is normal! It’s not normal for babies to sleep in 12 hour stretches fresh from hospital. Babies need to feed often. The ability to rouse from a deep sleep is known to be a preventative measure against SIDS. So it stands to reason that teaching a baby to sleep deeper and longer then he naturally would could be dangerous.

Newborns don’t need routines, they need comfort and their needs instantly met. Prolonged crying raises cortisol levels. And I believe leaving a newborn to cry on purpose for any amount of time is abuse. Now we’ve all had circumstances when we’ve had to leave a newborn to cry, like when we have to change another child’s nappy.

I read on the Tizzie Hall site that mothers need to express to keep up with their babies need for milk when a growth spurt comes. The minute my son came home from NICU I haven’t expressed to a schedule, and I’ve kept up with his needs no problem. Because I feed him on demand.

Tizzie, it seems you don’t understand how breastfeeding actually works. Breastfeeding works on supply and demand, the more frequent the feeds the more milk that is produced. Here is the ABA information on increasingly supply.. It says to put the baby to the breast more often then usual. Here is a detailed depiction of how milk is made. Note it does not say that foremilk is “unmade” milk. That really pissed me off. It shows you have no knowledge of the many functions of breastmilk.

Foremilk is indeed more watery and less fatty then hindmilk, but for good reason. It’s thirst quenching. Have you ever wondered why on a hot day a baby will more quicker more frequent feeds? Because it is thirsty! So instead of offering water, a mother should be offering a very quick feed.

Ive had a look at the website and it seems Tizzie Hall calls herself the baby whisperer, but what qualifications do you have? I’m a mother of two currently breastfeeding my son, and I can tell you that your breastfeeding advice is wrong.

I also have an issue with your blanket recommendations, you seem to advise using a lot of blankets, but SIDS and Kids state overheating as a SIDS risk.

This leads me to another point. I can’t seem to get any information out of you without offering you a large pot of money. Pinky McKay has lots of information out there for free, similarly Elizabeth Pantley has a wealth of information for free on her website as well. Dr Sears has a truck load of information and is open about his qualifications. You seem to sell everything on your website, from blankets to sleeping bags to feeding tools to comforters. Everything has the Tizzie Tick. People pay money to access your forums, more for signatures, more to access special areas. More money, more money, more money. It seems like a well oiled money making machine. I question the ethics of someone charging money to access special areas of forums just for personalized advice.

Finally, your fans. It is almost cult like. Constantly referring to themselves as “SOS mums” making everything an us or them situation. Taking disagreements with your methods as personal attacks. And assuming we’ve never read the book because if we had we’d know it’s not CC.

Give me a break. Enough reading from reputable and qualified sources makes it very clear. Sleep training and routine feeding is damaging to a babies mental health, the breastfeeding relationship and to the bond between mother and baby.

Infanthood is such a short space of time, why rush our babies out of our arms and into their beds.

Lots of love,
The Perfect Parents Brigade

You can find Instinctive Parenting on Facebook.

Other mothers say the darndest things

It begins when you’re pregnant, peaks when you’ve got an infant and continues well until after your child is grown and left home. What is it? Unwanted parenting advice, particularly from other mothers.

What, you child has a dummy? He’ll never get rid of it! You’re still breastfeeding? You’ll never be able to get him off your breast! She still sleeps in your bed? You’ll never get her sleeping on her own! You don’t spank? Your child will grow up with no discipline.

We’ve all heard it, you’re creating a rod for your own back. But are we?

Truth is babies are so fluid in the habits and requirements that what they need today might be different tomorrow. Most children sleep on their own in their own time but the advice we receive against it brings up visions of our sweet little babies as grown adults tucking into bed with mum and dad for the night. Truth is the number of adults sleeping in the same bed as their parents are pretty darn slim. The number of Little Britain-esque families with grown ups still breastfeeding would fail to make a mention. Children aren’t taking dummies to school and our prisons aren’t filled with no-gooders claiming a lack of spanking was their down fall.

This is also remembering that prisons aren’t filled with evil bottle babies either

Truth is there are a number of factors that make us who we are, both nature and nurture. While I as a mother chose to breastfeed, co-sleep, I don’t spank, and my son has a dummy like my daughter did before, I don’t look down on those mothers who don’t parent the same.

I don’t post statistics or studies to make others feel bad. It’s not about their baby. It’s just evidence based research.

The medical community generally doesn’t recommend controlled crying until 6 months and many health professionals don’t recommend it at all, that’s not me being mean or nasty, that’s just what is recommended. A quick google of “controlled crying” brings a mix of step by step guides and pieces questioning whether or not it’s good for babies.

Truth is those ‘professionals’ that advocate controlled crying don’t have much evidence to back them up. Think Tizzie Hall. What are her qualifications? Other then being a nanny. She gives breastfeeding advice yet has no qualifications to do so. Gives advice on how to set up a cot that contradicts SIDS advice. And when asked about her qualifications she threatens legal action and gives no answers. Here is a great article on the dangers of sleep training – http://parentingaustralia.com.au/newborn/care/39-controlledcrying

Dr Sears is well, a doctor, and he does not advocate controlled crying. (www.askdrsears.com) and Pinky McKay is a lactation consultant and her breastfeeding advice is the total opposite of Tizzie Hall’s. Yet her word is taken as gospel.

Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent. Point is when talking about sleeping, feeding and comforting, there is nothing wrong with breastfeeding your baby to sleep, or rocking him to sleep or not spanking or breastfeeding your toddler. It won’t mean you’ll never get a night to yourself, or they’ll be in your bed forever or whatever is the lastest myth.

Besides, I’ve come to realize two things since breastfeeding my son, if he’s still on the boob when he’s 18 it certainly won’t be mine, and if he never gets out of my bed at least I won’t have to hassle him to visit me.

We all need to march to the beat of our own drum, pro-gentle parenting is not anti-other mums. It’s not saying they don’t love their children or want the best for them. It’s perfectly reasonable and understandable that mothers would want a full nights sleep. Perhaps mothers need more hands on support rather then glossy promises to cure cat-napping in just a few short days. But that’s another post for another day.