Attachment Parents Are The Best Parents

You heard it here, right from the horses mouth, Attachment Parents are the best and all other styles of parenting are negligent.

That’s right if you don’t subscribe to the AP way then you may as well leave your children in the woods to be raised by wild animals because they would do a far superior job.  If you bottle feed, sleep your baby in a cot, have a routine, feed your child puree, let them watch television before their 2nd birthday, send them to mainstream school or vaccinate you are truly a monster not worthy of being a mother.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  You are awful!  Your children will grow up to be detached emotionless criminals filling up our prisons and terrorizing our aging population.

I’m not serious.  I don’t believe that.  In fact many of the things listed I’ve done or plan to do in the future.  But just think.

How many times has it been said that attachment parenting creates unhealthy connections between mothers and babies, or spoils children, destorys marriages, elevates children to the position of parent, doesn’t give children the discipline or routine they need, is permissive.  Is wrong?

And that is seen as a normal critique of parental choices, yet on the flip side if you dare even think that a mother may not have her babies best interests at heart when she opens a copy of Tizzie Hall’s latest ‘book’ then you are JUDGING ME!

Let’s look at this seriously.  It’s okay to call anyone who has had a birth plan a Birthzilla but if you question the author on her choice to sleep train her infants you are a hater.  Truly, just ask about the Gift of Sleep in a less then complimentary fashion on Mia Freedman’s twitter, facebook or mamamia website, or the Gift of Sleep’s facebook and count the seconds before your comments are deleted and you are blocked.  In fact comments on the blog posts about The Gift of Sleep on Mamamia are totally blocked.  Apparently Mia Freedman is free to bash homebirthing women, anti-vaxxers, breastfeeding women and attachment parents but can’t take a hint of criticism herself.

And how many times have we been told that we’re creating a rod for our own back?  That our babies will never be off the breast.  That they will be in our bed FOREVER.  That this is our future

And we should be very very afraid.

Honestly, I’m not concnerned, if DS is still wanting a boob when he’s a grown man it certainly won’t be mine he’s chasing.

But seriously, why is it okay to say negative and horrible things to women choosing the attachment method of parenting but when they even casually question a more mainstream approach it is seen as judgement.  I have had nasty horrible things said to me especially regarding the apparent sexual nature of breastfeeding but when I simply stated “but isn’t a bottle just an imitation nipple” I was said to be mean, nasty, judging, it’s not my fault I couldn’t breastfeed, stop acting so superior.

Ho-Hum.

All I’m asking is this.  If you’re going to make broad sweeping statements about my parenting then be prepared to hear a few about yours.  I’m not going to lie down and take false accusations of stunting my childs development, or underhanded comments about the future of my marriage with a smile and a nod.  No way no how.  No.  I’m not that sort of woman.

Not when I have chosen my methods based on what is best for my child not always what is easiest or most convienent.  I don’t subscribe to the “happy mum happy baby” line to justify every decision that may have negative consequences.  I don’t believe this is a stage of my children’s life to simply be endured but a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Emotional stability comes from having a strong framework to begin with.

If you find my way of parenting confronting or if it makes you uncomfortable well I don’t apologize because quite frankly how other people (other then my children and husband) feel about how I run my house does not matter to me.  Yes I take into consideration the opinions of family, their opinions matter to me and I value them.  Random other mother, hate to break it to you but I don’t care if you think that I ruined my baby by “letting” him sleep in my bed, you don’t want to know what I think of your choice to stop breastfeeding at 8 weeks so you could go party with your girlfriends and leave the baby with your husband as per usual.

Spite?  Little bit.  I’m tired of defending my choices to people who judge in one breath and claim judgement in another.  We all judge, a lot.  It’s how we make choices about what is best for us.  Perhaps some people should take a look at what they’re about to say before they say it and ask themselves, am I adding to the conversation in a constructive way or am I pushing that person away with my ill-informed opinions?

If the boot fits…

Advocates of the Save Our Sleep method and even Tizzie Hall herself claim that her method does not involve controlled crying or cry it out techniques.  However, on page 72 of her book plain as day she instructs mothers of newborns to swaddle their babies put them in their cots and ignore their cries while they go to the kitchen, boil the kettle, make a cuppa and drink it.  Then comfort them if they are still crying.

I’m not making this up.

Ignore your baby while you make yourself a drink and then consume it.  But it’s not controlled crying?

Feed your baby when they’re hungry, but stick to the schedule?

Follow this book but trust your instincts?

Just watching a video of Tizzie Hall on Irish TV where she compares breastmilk to cows milk and calls foremilk unmade milk makes me believe she has no idea what she’s doing and that it’s all a bunch of made up bullshit.

I’ve heard it from Babywisers as well, yet in Ezzo’s book he suggests parents leave their baby in their cot to cry for up to 45 minutes to an hour.  Babies learn quickly from natural consequences.

Now I accept that people will use these methods despite the overwhelming evidence against them.      However I wish people would call it what it is, controlled crying.

You believe in the method, you love the routine, it works for you… So call it what it is!

There is a thread of good advice through most baby books, early bedtime is better for babies, good day sleeps encourage good sleep at night as your baby isn’t overtired, watch for tired signs, ensure your baby is well fed, put your baby to sleep where you intend for them to wake up etc etc etc.  You’ll find these tips in Babybliss, Save Our Sleep, from the ABA, from Pinky McKay… They’re common sense!

You won’t read Pinky telling parents to leave a newborn while you have a cup of tea, or the Australian Breastfeeding Association telling you foremilk is unmade milk and therefore you need to feed less often, because these things make no sense.

I’m not saying routine doesnt have a place in parenting. Not at all.  I think a baby set routine is wonderful.  After you’ve introduced solids and your baby is having regular meals, take a mental note of your babies sleep times for about a week and see if you notice a pattern.  Is your baby an early riser with a long morning nap and a afternoon cat nap?  Or does she sleep in and get her day sleep in short bursts?

In the No-Cry Sleep Solution Elizabeth Pantley suggests it takes 40 weeks to set a babies body clock so it stands to reason that at around the 40 week mark a baby may begin to have a noticeable sleep pattern.

Both my children have been early risers because daddy goes to work early, so at 5am there’s the hum of early morning activity, shower, shaving, shuffle of a work bag, front door creaking open, in what was an otherwise silent sleeping house.  They’ve both had morning naps at around the 8.30-9am mark.  They’ve both had afternoon naps.  We have dinner at 5.30 as I like an early evening meal, and bedtime has slotted in around 6.30-7pm.

It’s what’s worked for us.

But a one sized fits all approach assumes all babies, all family situations are the same.  And they’re not.

So do parents with babies who always wake at 5am after a parents alarm goes off persist with settling so they sleep until the prescribed time?  If their baby is tired at 6.30pm do they keep them up cos Tizzie says so?

And what about feeding?  Do you hold until until the right time for a breastfeed even though it’s 35 degrees and baby doesn’t have the ability to say, hey mum I’m thirsty!

Some babies may only need a feed every 3 hours, but some need it more often, and some don’t have any regularity to their feeding pattern at all.

I’m not against parents who have used methods of parenting different to my own.  I have had great conversations and swapped ideas with parents who have used controlled crying, though I don’t agree with it.  But in reality those who say they’ve used controlled crying are usually more reasonable.

Those parents who say they’ve followed a controlled crying method are usually more willing to enter into discussion then those who say something along the lines of “its not controlled crying if you think it is then you clearly haven’t read the book.”

We have great opportunities to learn from each other if we are open to new ideas and willing to be open with our own.

When babies stop sleeping

My baby was sleeping well and now isn’t, HELP!

Remain calm, do not panic. How old is your baby?

4 months.

Light bulb moment. 4 month old sleep regression.

Sleep regression? Wonder weeks? Growth spurts?

All babies go through periods of heightened growth and development. As their worlds change and their abilities increase, they also have big changes going on in their brain often leading to periods of crankiness, clinginess and crying.

Some people call it growth spurts, others wonder weeks and some have termed it sleep regression. What you call it does not matter.

It can seem like it goes on forever, especially if you have teething and illness on top of it. A friend of mine haw had 3 straight months of illness on top of wonder weeks, and I think of her often and how she’s doing it tough.

How do you know when one is coming?
I have the wonder weeks app, and when I notice my baby being particularly cranky I check the app, surprise surprise it’s a wonder week. You can also buy the book, The Wonder Weeks or go the wonder weeks website

How do we get survive a period of sleep regression?
The first thing you do is slow right down. Peaceful days encourage peaceful nights. It migh be inconvenient to rearrange your schedule but it could make all the difference.

Vent and accept support. Vent in a safe way, phone a friend, write in a blog or parenting forum, put your baby down somewhere safe like in a cot/bassinet/on the floor/in a bouncer and walk away for 5 minutes to calm down. Accept offers of help as they come your way.

Forget about the housework. It doesnt matter if the house is a wreck when you finally get baby down for a nap, you go for a nap.

Remember that your baby will be learning something new and when all this finishes they’ll have something new to show you.

It’s only temporary, they will get back to sleeping eventually and it will be like this never happened.

Am I creating a rod for my own back?
By gently parenting your baby through their period if heightened clinginess you are not creating a rod for your own back or spoiling your baby. Quite the opposite. You’re tending to your babies needs, facilitating the extra learning and maintaining the healthy attachment. There is no need to start a stricter routine or regime around sleep during a wonder week. More cuddles and closeness will make it easier on both of you.

But my baby doesn’t need feeding during the night anymore, should I offer water instead?
Babies needs, especially for feeding, isn’t cut and dry. My first would go without a night feed for a while and then want her bottle again for a few weeks, it would go in cycles. I wouldn’t deny a baby under 2 years of age a night feed, but that’s my personal feeling on it. I defiantly wouldn’t night wean before 1 year or limit access to the boob at all before 1 year, but again that is my personal feeling. I have found offering a feed straight away in the dark without talking let’s baby know it’s night time it’s bed time and you’re either feeding or sleeping. The few times I tried to settle without a milk feed when my daughter was around 14 months took so much longer, she got distressed and in the end she would wake earlier for a feed anyway. I also resettle after 45 minutes with a breastfeed as well. But again, each to their own.

We’ve been following Save Our Sleep and she doesn’t mention sleep regression or these wonder weeks, what should I do?
Even babies who have been sleep trained can start waking through the night during a growth spurt or wonder week, and then what? More crying, more distress, mothers feeling like failures because their baby is deviating from the ‘plan.’. On Becoming Babywise suggests that babies sleep through from 8 weeks with no night feeds, no mention of differing needs during mental leaps there.

The best thing is to forget any set routine or regime during this period of mental growth. They aren’t doing this to annoy you, your baby is genuinely having a difficult time with a huge increase of brain activity as they learn something new. They haven’t read the book and they don’t know that they aren’t ‘allowed’ to start waking again.

I have found with both my children when they woke in the night that gentle settling techniques helped my babies get back to sleep calmly and stopped them from revving themselves up too much. It also helped me get to sleep quicker, loud crying would startle me awake, gentle rocking makes me sleepy and relaxed, I fall asleep much better.

A heightened period of mental development isn’t the time to start something new either, there’s already so much going on that I wouldn’t expect much of it to be retained let alone work.

You need to do what works for you during this period without worrying about ruining the routine or not sticking to the plan.

When does it end?
Shortly after her first birthday my daughter stopped having these periods of fussiness now that I think about it. She still does have growth spurts but she just ends up eating everything and wakes up in the morning demanding nutella sandwiches and big glasses of milk. I find a majority of her frustration, tantrums and crankiness come down to two things – needing a nap or inability to communicate, and it no longer goes on for weeks at a time.

In the light of day

Put your hand up if you’ve ever had a bad night with your child. Put it right up if you’ve ever chucked a tangy because your child just will not go to sleep. Lashed out at your partner because clearly they are to blame? Felt as though the hours between dusk to dawn dragged on like molasses dripping off a spoon rather then sand through an hour glass.

Put your hand up if you’ve ever said something you regret while parenting your child at night? Out loud, under your breath, to your child, about your child, to your partner, about your partner, maybe you said nothing but thought it REALLY LOUDLY.

Put your hand up high if you’ve had the urge to just put that kid down and walk out. I’ve heard one mother, a perfectly reasonable and rational woman, say she wanted to throw her baby out the window, not to hurt him, she figured he would just float away or something, but she needed the crying to stop.

Put your hand up if you just wanted your baby to stop touching your hair, your skin, your face. Stop feeding dammit! Have you been so tired that your skin has been literally crawling? Just one little hand scratching your chest is enough to send you over the edge.

In the light of day, when the sun comes up, you feel pretty silly, there was no conspiracy formed by your infant child to rob you of sleep. Your partner didn’t slip your child a can of V while you quickly answered that phonecall before bed time. Kids just have crappy nights some nights, that’s just what it’s all about.

I write this on the tail end of a real doozy. And last night I sat there in the darkness rocking my teething son to sleep (why can’t they just be born with teeth?) thinking very loudly how unfair it was that my husband was fast asleep and I was awake, while also quietly shitting myself over the fact that I’m going shopping with a girlfriend this weekend and I’m leaving the children at home with my husband and he has never successfully settled our son before.

I had a mummy meltdown. Said some not nice things, shed some tears and absolutely seethed with red hot rage. I have both children on my own today and I couldn’t get more then a measly 2 hours sleep in a row. Are you friggin kidding me?!

I’m awake, I’ve had a coffee, I’ve had a look at the boys gums (oh so red and bumpy poor dear) and I’ve gotten him down for a nap. Now I normally baby wear him for this nap, but this morning I’m all touched out and need some space. I need to vege and rid myself of some tension.

My mantra last night was this too shall pass. And it did. The sun came up and it’s a brand new day. It won’t be long before they’re teenagers, out with their friends, borrowing my car, not wanting to wake up for school, it truly is going so quick. It seems like only yesterday I was busily preparing for my daughters birth, and now she’s a 2 year old. She too was waking often at night and I thought it would never end, I’d be up with her at night forever, but it has passed and now she’s asleep all night.

I guess what I’m saying is that in the thick of it, it seems like sleep ‘problems’ will last forever. This hour, this night, this week, this month, it will all pass and babies sleep will come when they are ready. You can lead a horse to water and all that. I know the temptation to just make them sleep, but the gain would be short term (if any, some babies won’t sleep no matter what) but once the damage is done it can last forever.

To me it’s a trade off, my kids mental health for a few hours sleep. I have implemented some of the techniques for co-sleeping babies from the No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley and overall (looking at the big picture here) there has been vast improvement. Our crappy nights are few and far between these days and it really is teething that has thrown an all mighty spanner in the works.

Sleep training is tempting, but remember this will all pass, soon I won’t be able to steal a cuddle from my wee one whenever I want, so I’m enjoying him while he will let me.

Parenting isn’t easy, or stress free, but when almost all of the benefits of a parenting style seem to be for the parent, I avoid it. I chose to parent in a way that puts the needs of my child first, because his mental and emotional health are my responsibilty.