STFU, 60 Minutes

So, what exactly was the point of the Attachment Parenting piece on 60 minutes?  It certainly wasn’t to inform mothers that there is an alternative to spanking, cry-it-out, routine feeding and scheduled nap times.  It seems to have been another piece of suedo journalism with the intent to tell women and more specifically mothers how wrong they are.

That’s right, those naughty hippies ignoring the advice of generations of mothers gone before them in an attempt to follow a fad style of parenting.

Well as an attachment parent I’m going to clear up some little inaccuracies from the On Demand segement of 60 Minutes.

Attachment Parents give in to every demand of their children.

No, we don’t.  I often tell my children that they can’t do something, have something, behave in a certain way.  It’s not okay to hit others, throw an hour long tantrum because I said we were coming home and you wanted to stay, I’m not going to sit and breastfeed for hours and hours, we don’t snatch, and the 3 year old must use her words.  Pretty simple stuff really.  My 3 year old could ask for cake half an hour before dinner time, doesn’t mean I’m going to give it to her.  My 18 month old might simply be going boob to boob, side to side, they’re empty, you’re finished.  Time to hop off.

Which brings me to my next point…

Attachment parenting is a checklist that must be followed to the letter

I considered myself an attachment parent long before I was a breastfeeder.  My first child was weaned well before her 6 week check up.  She only co-slept with us for 4 months before she stopped settling in our bed so went to her own sleeping space.  I considered myself an attachment parent because I responded to the needs of my baby in a empathetic and respectful way.  It had nothing to do with how and where she was born, how she was fed, where she slept, what toys she played with, and everything to do with the intent behind everything that was done.  You can be an attachment parent who bottlefeeds, sleeps their baby in a cot, pushes a pram and has elective csections.  Again, not a checklist, a philosophy.

Attachment Parents look down on mothers who don’t follow the philosophy

That’s right, all APers are snooty do-gooders who think everyone else is wrong wrong wrong.

What a load.  I’ve never met these women with these aparent superiority complexes.  I’ve never sat in a circle discussing how women who use controlled crying are the devil and must be “dealth with.”  I have however had to defend my parenting choices to others, sometimes to people I always thought would have my back, I know many other women who make similar choices have to regularly do the same.  Maybe this is misinterpretted.  The truth is that there is evidence against controlled crying.  Presenting that evidence is not the same as calling someone a bad parent or intentionally making someone feel bad.  The only person who can make someone feel guilty is themselves.  I’m really tired of having to defend my mothering choices while at the same time being called horrible things for asking questions of the parenting methods of others.  If you’re not prepared to defend your choices then don’t put me in a position where I have to defend mine.

Attachment Parents are agressive about their parenting choices

I think you missed the point about it being a gentle style of parenting.

Attachment Parents put their relationships with children before their partners and marriages

No.  Not true at all.  That’s why there are many APers who are tandem feeding.

But you co-sleep, how do you “do it?”

There are other places other then a bed to make babies.  If you’re only doing it in bed well, doesn’t that get a bit boring?

Attachment Parenting is a concious decision

Not always, I had no idea it was called that until long after I was already doing it.  I figured I was just parenting.

Attachment Parents meet in little groups and bitch about mainstream parents

No, we mostly just talk about organic food co-ops, Thermomix recipes and compare wraps and structured carriers.

The 60 Minutes piece was so condecending.  I wish the Australian media would stop adding fuel to the fire that women use to flame each other.  How about this, we are all given a free pass to discuss our methods of parenting without judging each other (remember studies that don’t involve your child are not a judgement against you) because topics like controlled crying should be discussed so women can see both sides of the coin.  But please, 60 Minutes, don’t pit ourselves against each other, that’s what we have parenting forums for.

If you want something to train, get a dog

Although I wouldn’t even submit my dog to the Tizzie Hall’s or Elizabeth Sloane’s of the world.

Let me put it this way. I often here about parents “not signing up for this” or their little ones being “unpredictable” or “out of schedule.”

Recently I heard about a mum who had a horrible night day 3 in hospital so was implementing a routine so it never happened again.

Seriously.

It seems this Elizabeth Sloane woman is the new flavor of the month. Her ebook has a forward by über bogan Mia Freedman. The method involved knocking on the door and scratching the carpet. Dead set.

I don’t know about you but if I were crying and someone started knocking on the door loudly shhhhing me I would actually be quite offended, if it were my partner or my parent I would be confused, if they can hear I’m upset then why aren’t the helping me?

As for the carpet scratching, well if I were crying and my husband started scratching on the carpet I’d probably suggest he seek out some professional help, that’s just crazy.

Now we haven’t been having the best of nights. A combination of stress due to break ins, and my sons teething means at 16 months he still doesn’t sleep through. But that is okay. He’s having a hard time not giving me one. And yes it is frustrating and yes I would love a night sleeping right the way through, but it will happen and in the mean time I just do what needs to be done, rocking, patting, feeding, it doesn’t take long to get him sleeping again.

We also recently got a dog. He’s a beautiful little Maltese x shih tzu who we call Raafy.

Now he sleeps in our bed at night, sometimes at our feet and sometimes snuggled in between hubby and I. I’ve woken to find him asleep on a coat I accidentally left on the floor and often he will follow me into DSs room when I go to feed him or resettle him. He doesn’t bark or even make a noise, if I didn’t know he had followed me I wouldn’t even notice he was there. When he’s tired he lays down and has a sleep, if the room is too loud he moves to another. He eats when he’s hungry and drinks when he’s thirsty. And he’s not a feral brat of a dog, he is content. We all need some “puppy training” so we can work well together, especially the kids, but all is well.

The same goes for my kids. They eat when they’re hungry, drink when they’re thirsty, sleep when they’re tired. And so do I.

And we’re all content.

What’s my point? My point is that if something sounds cruel and unusual then it probably. Scratching carpet or knocking loudly on the door isn’t a settling technique, it’s something a parent does to justify ignoring their babies legitimate need to be with their mother. It’s done so they can say, I didn’t leave her to cry, at 5 minutes I went and knocked on the door so she knew I was there. It’s an excuse, it’s a cry it out method. Children don’t learn, they just give up on getting what they need by communicating through crying. Simple.

Harsh? Probably. Sometimes things just can’t be sugar coated.

The Gift of Sleep is a method designed for convenience of parents not to help the baby sleep.

Considering when I suggested that leaving her baby with a relative stranger and drinking a glass of wine and watching Telly while said stranger used controlled crying methods on her small baby possibly wasn’t the best parenting choice Mia Freedman exclaimed “Quick!! Call DOCS!!” and then blocked me on twitter, I doubt she is going to engage any critics in any form of intelligent conversation about the ebook. That just raises more red flags for me.

Babies are demanding, their sleep isn’t always consistent and not all babies sleep through before 6 weeks let alone 6 months. With that in mind I think we need realistic expectations of baby behavior not cruel methods that could be damaging to a babies mental health.