Judgement – Who does it serve?

When a good friend of mine began telling people that she had plans for her daughter would be going into daycare a couple of days a week when she went back to work after just under 5 months she may as well have told people she had enrolled her in the best Hitler Jurgen program.  The judgement came thick and fast, and a lot of it was really cruel.  This friend of mine is a highly educated, highly successful, highly skilled woman who loves her job.  She worked really hard to get to where she is and was really looking forward to going back part time.  She is also a brilliant mother and that baby loves her to absolute pieces.  She couldn’t do a more fabulous job if she tried.  And yet people called her all sorts of nasty things, including ignorant.

This woman is far from ignorant.

On the flip side when I said I was getting out of the Navy after my daughter was born as it was the best decision for my family I was told I was making a huge mistake, I was an idiot, we’d never survive on just one income, blah blah blah.  It was my decision, no one elses.  And honestly, I have enjoyed being a stay at home mum.  I’ve been very privledged to have this time with my children and I’ll never get it back again.

So when I started studying and working from home I copped judgement again.  How do you find the time, do you neglect the kids to get it done.

Quite frankly it’s word vommit.  It’s people spewing their issues on other people becuase they’re making choices that they don’t understand and haven’t taken the time to gain a better understanding of.

Simple.

Gone are the days of women only having one option.  Have babies no longer equates to being a stay at home parent.  You don’t only go back to work because you’re broke.  Shock!  Horror!  I work because I want to!  I work because I love what I do!  I work becuase I find it fufilling, rewarding and enjoyable!

Now I have chosen to work from home because I believe it gives me the very best of both worlds.  However next year, I’m going to be doing some part time work outside the home.  Some of it may even be overnight.  Shocking.  The children will mostly be looked after by their father, or should I say parented by their father on those evenings.  I’m very fortunate that in my husband I have a competent and willing coparent.

DS will be 2 when he goes to daycare 1-2 days a week.  I believe it will be good for him.  He enjoys creche for an hour 3 times a week while I go to the gym.

I don’t think I could have put the kids into full time childcare, even now that they’re toddlers rather then babies, but that was my personal choice regarding what worked best for me and my children.  That’s not about anyone else.  Now that they’re older I feel ready so that’s what we’re doing.

Working, stay at home, work from home, entrepanuer, self employed, consultant, whatever you call yourself.  The judgement of others means nothing.  What is important is what you think, feel, and believe about yourself and your situation.  If you believe your situation is no good, change it.  Reach out.  There are great opportunities out there.

It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you love doing it.  You don’t even have to do just one thing, or wear one hat.  I myself wear many hats.  Mum, wife, student, business woman, friend, sister, daughter… I could go on and on.  I am no defined by a job or a title.  I am who I am and I do what I do.

And I’m pretty darn good at it too.

I bet you men don’t label themselves as stay at home dad, working dad, work from home dad, I bet they don’t whisper judgement about each other.  I doubt it even registers.

Dad’s are not babysitters

These are crayons

They’re made by taking little bits of broken crayon and putting them in a silicon tray and then melting them in the microwave on high for about 5 minutes. You can also melt them in the oven.

But I didn’t make them, my husband did.

Over the weekend he has cooked, cleaned, fed children, gotten up with them in the morning, cared for them while I did other jobs, bathed them, put them to bed. You know, parented them.

I get sick of hearing about dads who don’t parent their children. Dads who don’t do their share of the work in the home.

Now I get that stay at home parents are at home more and will do more of the work when they’re actually home, but when you have two adults at home why should one be working while the other lounges around relaxing. If both adults did the work then it would be done sooner and everyone could relax.

You know, one in all in.

Now I don’t expect my husband to come home from a 16 hour day and then clean the house top to bottom, but if I’m folding the laundry then we do it together, then it gets done quicker. One person washes the dishes and the others wipes them up. Sometimes one person watches the children while the other mows the lawn or weeds the garden.

It’s not babysitting when a father watches his child and he’s not doing his partner a special favor. On the weekend I have an exam (first one of my course, I’m a tad nervous actually) and my husband will be watching the toddlers, he isn’t doing me a favor, he’s just parenting. When one parent is unable to look after the children the other just takes up the slack.

Does he do everything how I would? No. Does that matter? No.

Haven’t we moved passed the parenting as women’s work era? As a feminist I believe that parenting is a job shared equally between the sexes. I can change a nappy as good as my husband can, he can read a bedtime story just as well as I can.

I don’t buy the line of not being able to or not knowing how. Why are men getting to adulthood and not knowing how to cook a meal, iron a shirt, mop a floor, clean a toilet, or make their own lunch. Seriously, how do these men survive single life? These are life skills I’ll be teaching my son and daughter.

As for not knowing how to parent, how to change a nappy, settle or burp a baby, bath a baby. News flash, most first time mums know about as much as first time dads. We’re learning on the fly, we’re making it up as we go along! When I had my first the only other newborns I could remember holding were my siblings (the youngest being 16 when my daughter was born) and my cousin (who was 4 when my daughter was born). That was it. I had studied early childhood practices at high school but that was 5 years earlier. I had no clue what I was doing!. I didn’t research passed birthing this baby and so when she was in our arms we were stumped. And we made it up as we went along following our instincts and I think we did a pretty good job.

Baby number 1 – 30 minutes old

Then 18 months after our first baby was born baby number 2 came along and as shocking as it sounds he wasn’t a carbon copy of his sister. Once again I had to learn, grow and change. The transition from one to two was harder then having just one. I had to learn all about this little person, figure out breastfeeding which I didn’t get right the first time and keep the toddler happy and on track. Hubby would stumble in from a 16 hour day to find me mid-witching hour. He would start cleaning and by the time he had done the dishes and kitchen the baby would be sleeping so I would pop him in his hammock while we tackled mouth Washmore. We had two in cloth nappies back then. By the time we finished that we’d stumble into bed only to be woken within the hour by a baby ready for a feed. Into our bed he’d go where he’d spend most of the night attached to the boob.

We worked as a team. It was a hard year for our relationship but no matter what was going on between us he never let up on his responsibilities as a father. I was never left doing more then my fair share.

Look I know some women like making their partner lunch or ironing their work uniforms or whatever and that’s great, that’s their choice. It should not be expected. And when women are struggling with parenting their biggest help and support should come from their baby’s father.

This goes for breastfed and bottlefed babies. And you don’t have to express to get someone to help you, there are plenty of things dad can do to help that don’t involve feeding. Bathing, nappy changes, settling, cuddling, playing with baby, taking baby for a walk or car ride, wearing baby.

Baby number 2 – 8 days old

It’s simple really, if you’re a man pull your weight, we know you work hard at your job but don’t forget we work hard at home raising your children. If we all pitch in we all get a chance to sit down for a break when it’s done.

If you’re a woman then tell him what you need done, if he doesn’t know what you need chances are he won’t do it. Avoid the angst and resentment, tell him straight – can you fold the laundry/get dinner started/hold the baby for a bit.