Speak With Love

It was over a year ago now that I wrote the post Dear Tizzie Hall, and boy wasn’t there a response.  Over the last 12 months there have literally been thousands of views of it, I get hits on it everyday and of all my blog entries it has gotten the most comments.  Some of them positive and supportive, some of them critical, negative and some downright rude.  It’s been an interesting dialogue with people from both sides of the fence and has brought many people to the blog.

If you’re here after reading Dear Tizzie Hall, well hello!

It’s been interesting reading the more defensive posts.  I did the routines with my child and he’s fine.  Stop judging other mums.  AP is an unrealistic standard.  APing pushes marriages to the brink.  And so on and so forth.

It has taken me a long time to realise that those sorts of comments are not about me, they’re about the commenter.  I don’t often engage them because nothing I will ever say will change their mind, so what’s the point.

I do on occassion engage but it’s not for them, it’s for others who read it hoping that they get a balanced picture.

But I don’t carry that baggage around, as soon as I hit enter I let it go.  I free myself of it.

I am glad that the post has had such success and so many people have gotten “something” out of it, whatever that may be.  But wow, reading it, I am in such a different place in my journey now.

I was so flippin negative!  Truly!

The message is right, the information is, but I no longer ‘love’ the delivery.

I no longer get into that, I promote what I love and walk the walk.  I parent with love and dispell the myths of attachment parenting.  We are not weird hippies, my marriage isn’t at breaking point and the kids don’t run the house.  We are happy, healthy people with a bright future – thank you very much.

I am still an advocate for women and children’s rights and you can bet that I always will be.  I still stand for rights in birth and parenting.  I believe that breast isn’t best, it’s just normal.  I believe in promoting benefits and speaking the truth.

No matter what I will always endevour to say what is true.

I believe the most important thing we can do as parents is to nurture secure and loving relationships between ourselves and our children.  That’s it.  We all need to make choices about what that means for us.

I still don’t like Mia Freedman, Tizzie Hall and the Babywise mob, they’re all about the money and appearing to care about children and mothers.  Do yourself a favour, read something by Pinky McKay, that woman cares about mothers and babies.  She is a wonderful woman.

This past year has been a huge learning curve, I have changed and grown so much as a person.  I still stand by what I believe and have said, just not always the way in which I’ve said it.  I will move forward from hearing promising to speak with more love.

Attachment Parents Are The Best Parents

You heard it here, right from the horses mouth, Attachment Parents are the best and all other styles of parenting are negligent.

That’s right if you don’t subscribe to the AP way then you may as well leave your children in the woods to be raised by wild animals because they would do a far superior job.  If you bottle feed, sleep your baby in a cot, have a routine, feed your child puree, let them watch television before their 2nd birthday, send them to mainstream school or vaccinate you are truly a monster not worthy of being a mother.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  You are awful!  Your children will grow up to be detached emotionless criminals filling up our prisons and terrorizing our aging population.

I’m not serious.  I don’t believe that.  In fact many of the things listed I’ve done or plan to do in the future.  But just think.

How many times has it been said that attachment parenting creates unhealthy connections between mothers and babies, or spoils children, destorys marriages, elevates children to the position of parent, doesn’t give children the discipline or routine they need, is permissive.  Is wrong?

And that is seen as a normal critique of parental choices, yet on the flip side if you dare even think that a mother may not have her babies best interests at heart when she opens a copy of Tizzie Hall’s latest ‘book’ then you are JUDGING ME!

Let’s look at this seriously.  It’s okay to call anyone who has had a birth plan a Birthzilla but if you question the author on her choice to sleep train her infants you are a hater.  Truly, just ask about the Gift of Sleep in a less then complimentary fashion on Mia Freedman’s twitter, facebook or mamamia website, or the Gift of Sleep’s facebook and count the seconds before your comments are deleted and you are blocked.  In fact comments on the blog posts about The Gift of Sleep on Mamamia are totally blocked.  Apparently Mia Freedman is free to bash homebirthing women, anti-vaxxers, breastfeeding women and attachment parents but can’t take a hint of criticism herself.

And how many times have we been told that we’re creating a rod for our own back?  That our babies will never be off the breast.  That they will be in our bed FOREVER.  That this is our future

And we should be very very afraid.

Honestly, I’m not concnerned, if DS is still wanting a boob when he’s a grown man it certainly won’t be mine he’s chasing.

But seriously, why is it okay to say negative and horrible things to women choosing the attachment method of parenting but when they even casually question a more mainstream approach it is seen as judgement.  I have had nasty horrible things said to me especially regarding the apparent sexual nature of breastfeeding but when I simply stated “but isn’t a bottle just an imitation nipple” I was said to be mean, nasty, judging, it’s not my fault I couldn’t breastfeed, stop acting so superior.

Ho-Hum.

All I’m asking is this.  If you’re going to make broad sweeping statements about my parenting then be prepared to hear a few about yours.  I’m not going to lie down and take false accusations of stunting my childs development, or underhanded comments about the future of my marriage with a smile and a nod.  No way no how.  No.  I’m not that sort of woman.

Not when I have chosen my methods based on what is best for my child not always what is easiest or most convienent.  I don’t subscribe to the “happy mum happy baby” line to justify every decision that may have negative consequences.  I don’t believe this is a stage of my children’s life to simply be endured but a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Emotional stability comes from having a strong framework to begin with.

If you find my way of parenting confronting or if it makes you uncomfortable well I don’t apologize because quite frankly how other people (other then my children and husband) feel about how I run my house does not matter to me.  Yes I take into consideration the opinions of family, their opinions matter to me and I value them.  Random other mother, hate to break it to you but I don’t care if you think that I ruined my baby by “letting” him sleep in my bed, you don’t want to know what I think of your choice to stop breastfeeding at 8 weeks so you could go party with your girlfriends and leave the baby with your husband as per usual.

Spite?  Little bit.  I’m tired of defending my choices to people who judge in one breath and claim judgement in another.  We all judge, a lot.  It’s how we make choices about what is best for us.  Perhaps some people should take a look at what they’re about to say before they say it and ask themselves, am I adding to the conversation in a constructive way or am I pushing that person away with my ill-informed opinions?

If you want something to train, get a dog

Although I wouldn’t even submit my dog to the Tizzie Hall’s or Elizabeth Sloane’s of the world.

Let me put it this way. I often here about parents “not signing up for this” or their little ones being “unpredictable” or “out of schedule.”

Recently I heard about a mum who had a horrible night day 3 in hospital so was implementing a routine so it never happened again.

Seriously.

It seems this Elizabeth Sloane woman is the new flavor of the month. Her ebook has a forward by über bogan Mia Freedman. The method involved knocking on the door and scratching the carpet. Dead set.

I don’t know about you but if I were crying and someone started knocking on the door loudly shhhhing me I would actually be quite offended, if it were my partner or my parent I would be confused, if they can hear I’m upset then why aren’t the helping me?

As for the carpet scratching, well if I were crying and my husband started scratching on the carpet I’d probably suggest he seek out some professional help, that’s just crazy.

Now we haven’t been having the best of nights. A combination of stress due to break ins, and my sons teething means at 16 months he still doesn’t sleep through. But that is okay. He’s having a hard time not giving me one. And yes it is frustrating and yes I would love a night sleeping right the way through, but it will happen and in the mean time I just do what needs to be done, rocking, patting, feeding, it doesn’t take long to get him sleeping again.

We also recently got a dog. He’s a beautiful little Maltese x shih tzu who we call Raafy.

Now he sleeps in our bed at night, sometimes at our feet and sometimes snuggled in between hubby and I. I’ve woken to find him asleep on a coat I accidentally left on the floor and often he will follow me into DSs room when I go to feed him or resettle him. He doesn’t bark or even make a noise, if I didn’t know he had followed me I wouldn’t even notice he was there. When he’s tired he lays down and has a sleep, if the room is too loud he moves to another. He eats when he’s hungry and drinks when he’s thirsty. And he’s not a feral brat of a dog, he is content. We all need some “puppy training” so we can work well together, especially the kids, but all is well.

The same goes for my kids. They eat when they’re hungry, drink when they’re thirsty, sleep when they’re tired. And so do I.

And we’re all content.

What’s my point? My point is that if something sounds cruel and unusual then it probably. Scratching carpet or knocking loudly on the door isn’t a settling technique, it’s something a parent does to justify ignoring their babies legitimate need to be with their mother. It’s done so they can say, I didn’t leave her to cry, at 5 minutes I went and knocked on the door so she knew I was there. It’s an excuse, it’s a cry it out method. Children don’t learn, they just give up on getting what they need by communicating through crying. Simple.

Harsh? Probably. Sometimes things just can’t be sugar coated.

The Gift of Sleep is a method designed for convenience of parents not to help the baby sleep.

Considering when I suggested that leaving her baby with a relative stranger and drinking a glass of wine and watching Telly while said stranger used controlled crying methods on her small baby possibly wasn’t the best parenting choice Mia Freedman exclaimed “Quick!! Call DOCS!!” and then blocked me on twitter, I doubt she is going to engage any critics in any form of intelligent conversation about the ebook. That just raises more red flags for me.

Babies are demanding, their sleep isn’t always consistent and not all babies sleep through before 6 weeks let alone 6 months. With that in mind I think we need realistic expectations of baby behavior not cruel methods that could be damaging to a babies mental health.

Safe sleep for babies

Facebook is a wonderful way of connecting with people. And a great tool to find out what is going on in the world around us.

My friends list has many like-minded parents and women I admire on it. So when I saw yesterday that Pinky McKay would be appearing on the Project I had to check it out.

She was wonderful. She talked about safe co-sleeping and said exactly what all women need to hear, that ultimately they are the expert when it comes to their baby and parenting decisions are theirs to make.

Pinky, you rock!

The rest of the segment was cringe worthy. Filled with scare mongering and statistics manipulated to prove their point.

Did you know almost half of SIDS deaths happen while co-sleeping?

Doesn’t that mean over half the deaths happen while NOT co-sleeping?

QUICK BAN THE COT!

No mention of course of whether drugs, alcohol, smoking, formula feeding, sleep apnea, or prescription medications were used. All bed sharing risk factors. No mention either of the kind of bedding used or how the bed was set up. Just that the baby was in bed with it’s parent.

Let’s face it, putting your baby to bed anywhere has risks. It needs to be a clear surface free of heavy blankets, pillows, bumpers, gaps between the mattress and rails. This goes for the cot and the family bed.

With 80% of parents taking their baby to bed between birth to 6 months it is time to stop telling parents that everything they do is wrong and they’re going to kill their baby and start telling them how to parent safely.

Don’t drink around your baby. Don’t smoke around your baby. Avoid medications that make you drowsy if possible and if you can’t put them in their own sleeping space. If possible, breastfeed – breastfed babies are more alert and wakeful which means their risk of SIDS is lower then formula-fed babies. Don’t use thick doonas, there are plenty of warm options that aren’t thick and heavy.

I co-slept although both times it was for a short time but we did so safely and my babies were never at risk.

For more information on the co-sleeping concerns, Dr Sears has written this on his website.

Making a plan to breastfeed

When pregnant, many women write a birth plan, prepare a nursery, arrange a plan for going back to work, and hash out plans for nappies, and sleeping arrangements. We plan who will be at the birth, who will visit and when, what to pack for hospital…

So many mothers have said “I’d like to breastfeed, but I understand it might not work out, so I’ll buy (bottles/formula/formula accessories) just in case.”

And then at the first sign of trouble, shrug their shoulders and switch. Or at the first suggestion of weaning from a doctor. I did that, at 2 weeks with my first daughter. Then feeding became a nightmare, and I wish we’d never switched.

So with my second, I stuck to it, and 9 months on we’re still breastfeeding. And it’s great!

Did you know only 14% of babies are breastfed after 6 months in Australia, yet the World Health Organisation recommends breastfeeding until AT LEAST 2 years.

So what can you do to ensure you succeed at maintaining a breastfeeding relationship?

1. Be positive. Just say, “I’m going to breastfeed” and leave it at that. The ‘f’ word need not be included in that sentence and you don’t need to mention any what ifs or any plans for if it doesn’t work. Plan to fail, and you probably will.
2. Ban bottles, formula, and dummies from your home. Many people suggest introducing a bottle ASAP if you’re planning on going back to work or else baby won’t take it. If you introduce a bottle too early that might be the only thing he wants to feed from, so don’t run the risk. Having formula in your home increases your chances of switching to formula full time, you can always duck down to the store if you need it so don’t buy it just in case. Dummies can cause nipple confusion, try not to give them until at least 6 weeks when breastfeeding is established. Remember newborns feed a lot during the early weeks, this is normal. Spacing out feeds is not usually a good idea, breastfeeding is more then just nutrition, it’s thirst quenching, it’s comforting, breastmilk has hormones to induce sleep.
3. Ban the baby trainer. Tizzie Hall, Gina Ford, Ezzo… I could name a whole bunch of them. Anyone telling you to only feed at specific times or else you’ll ruin the routine is a potentially a detriment to your breastfeeding relationship. More feeds means more milk means more weight gain.
4. Stress less! Just feed your baby. Day or night. Pretty soon they’ll spare out their feeds on their own, think of every feed as another chance to snuggle.
5. Accept help and focus on feeding. The housework can wait, the washing will still be there, but you only get one shot at getting breastfeeding right.
6. Make breastfeeding part of the plan. Many mums plan the birth, and then forget about the rest. Here is a breastfeeding plan to print out and complete.
7. Birth at home, if not at home birth naturally!. While not essential, and certainly you can build a strong breastfeeding relationship without it, a natural birth gives your body that perfect hormonal cocktail to kick start your breastfeeding relationship. A natural birth also means a shorter hospital stay, generally a better recovery and if you hire a doula or independent midwife, better post natal care once you’ve gone home. Better yet, at a homebirth you won’t be restricted in your ability to breastfeed straight away, you can have instant skin to skin, you won’t be separated for your baby to be weighed or whatever, and your hormones won’t be suppressed by hormone injections, pain killers or surgery. Don’t forget whether you’re at home or in hospital Baby Led Attachment is best. I did this with my son who was in the High Dependency Unit of the Neo-natal intensive care, so it’s not just for healthy term babies born vaginally.
8. Don’t listen to negativity. Surround yourself with supportive positive people.
9. Watch a woman breastfeeding, and surround yourself with breastfeeding mothers. If you don’t know anyone who is breastfeeding, join online communities, and watch breastfeeding videos on YouTube. Join the ABA and attend a meeting. Take a breastfeeding class.
10. Read, read, read. There are plenty of online resources, communities, books, newspaper articles, pamphlets… just read whatever you can get your hands on about breastfeeding and just read it. Soak it in.

Need more information on breastfeeding?

Australian Breastfeeding Association

Kellymom

Want a homebirth? Start talking here.

If the boot fits…

Advocates of the Save Our Sleep method and even Tizzie Hall herself claim that her method does not involve controlled crying or cry it out techniques.  However, on page 72 of her book plain as day she instructs mothers of newborns to swaddle their babies put them in their cots and ignore their cries while they go to the kitchen, boil the kettle, make a cuppa and drink it.  Then comfort them if they are still crying.

I’m not making this up.

Ignore your baby while you make yourself a drink and then consume it.  But it’s not controlled crying?

Feed your baby when they’re hungry, but stick to the schedule?

Follow this book but trust your instincts?

Just watching a video of Tizzie Hall on Irish TV where she compares breastmilk to cows milk and calls foremilk unmade milk makes me believe she has no idea what she’s doing and that it’s all a bunch of made up bullshit.

I’ve heard it from Babywisers as well, yet in Ezzo’s book he suggests parents leave their baby in their cot to cry for up to 45 minutes to an hour.  Babies learn quickly from natural consequences.

Now I accept that people will use these methods despite the overwhelming evidence against them.      However I wish people would call it what it is, controlled crying.

You believe in the method, you love the routine, it works for you… So call it what it is!

There is a thread of good advice through most baby books, early bedtime is better for babies, good day sleeps encourage good sleep at night as your baby isn’t overtired, watch for tired signs, ensure your baby is well fed, put your baby to sleep where you intend for them to wake up etc etc etc.  You’ll find these tips in Babybliss, Save Our Sleep, from the ABA, from Pinky McKay… They’re common sense!

You won’t read Pinky telling parents to leave a newborn while you have a cup of tea, or the Australian Breastfeeding Association telling you foremilk is unmade milk and therefore you need to feed less often, because these things make no sense.

I’m not saying routine doesnt have a place in parenting. Not at all.  I think a baby set routine is wonderful.  After you’ve introduced solids and your baby is having regular meals, take a mental note of your babies sleep times for about a week and see if you notice a pattern.  Is your baby an early riser with a long morning nap and a afternoon cat nap?  Or does she sleep in and get her day sleep in short bursts?

In the No-Cry Sleep Solution Elizabeth Pantley suggests it takes 40 weeks to set a babies body clock so it stands to reason that at around the 40 week mark a baby may begin to have a noticeable sleep pattern.

Both my children have been early risers because daddy goes to work early, so at 5am there’s the hum of early morning activity, shower, shaving, shuffle of a work bag, front door creaking open, in what was an otherwise silent sleeping house.  They’ve both had morning naps at around the 8.30-9am mark.  They’ve both had afternoon naps.  We have dinner at 5.30 as I like an early evening meal, and bedtime has slotted in around 6.30-7pm.

It’s what’s worked for us.

But a one sized fits all approach assumes all babies, all family situations are the same.  And they’re not.

So do parents with babies who always wake at 5am after a parents alarm goes off persist with settling so they sleep until the prescribed time?  If their baby is tired at 6.30pm do they keep them up cos Tizzie says so?

And what about feeding?  Do you hold until until the right time for a breastfeed even though it’s 35 degrees and baby doesn’t have the ability to say, hey mum I’m thirsty!

Some babies may only need a feed every 3 hours, but some need it more often, and some don’t have any regularity to their feeding pattern at all.

I’m not against parents who have used methods of parenting different to my own.  I have had great conversations and swapped ideas with parents who have used controlled crying, though I don’t agree with it.  But in reality those who say they’ve used controlled crying are usually more reasonable.

Those parents who say they’ve followed a controlled crying method are usually more willing to enter into discussion then those who say something along the lines of “its not controlled crying if you think it is then you clearly haven’t read the book.”

We have great opportunities to learn from each other if we are open to new ideas and willing to be open with our own.

Dear Tizzie Hall Part 2

Here is the original Dear Tizzie Hall.

Dear Tizzie Hall,

I’ve watched your video a few times and it still doesnt sit well with me. Everything you’re doing screams at me SIDS RISK!

Firstly, you are wearing a tshirt yet you put the baby in a long sleeved onesie, a sleeping bag, a DOUBLE wrap, then in a cot with 4 blankets. He must be boiling! Any crying grizzling by the baby and I’d start to worry about overheating! Babies sweat when they cry grizzle. I remember picking my son up after he’s been crying for maximum 60 seconds, I’d been changing my toddlers nappy and he had to wait while I washed my hands. Anyway, he was sweating and hot! I can’t imagine how he’d be after 5 minutes. Now imagine how hot he would have been if I followed your bedding guide!

Here is what the American SIDS Institute has to say about preventing SIDS.

5. Do not over-clothe the infant while she sleeps. Just use enough clothes to keep the baby warm without having to use cover. Keep the room at a temperature that is comfortable for you. Overheating an infant may increase the risk for SIDS.

If you’re wearing tshirt and shorts, then 8 layers is excessive. Perhaps if you are in a cold climate and you yourself are wearing singlet, long sleeved shirt, and a jumper then multiple layers may be appropriate.

The only time a healthcare professional has ever recommended that many blankets to me was when my son was in NICU. You see some early birds have trouble maintaining their tempreture so when transferring from a tempreture controlled humicrib to an open bassinet they put multiple layers of thick blankets on to help baby maintain tempreture without using a huge amount of energy to and potentially dropping weight. After a temp reading comes back normal a layer is removed until you have a onesie, a swaddle and one blanket, this is under cold air conditioning. 8 layers would be for babies who are still struggling.

By any chance have you watched the Wiggles Let’s Eat? There’s a song about safe sleeping. If you’ve watched it you obviously missed the line “the cot is clear for you my dear, and we won’t overwrap.” They’re endorsed by SIDS and Kids by the way

And next we come to that stuffed toy. Right by the babies face. Lucky that baby is so overstepped he can’t move, or else I’d worry about potential suffocation. Before 1 year of age it is recommended you have no donnas, pillows, bumpers or toys in the cot with the baby. We didn’t give our daughter a blanket in her bed until she was 19 months old. This is when she started sleeping with a doll as well.

But what do I know. How about this from www.sidsandkids.org

2. Sleep baby with face uncovered (no doonas, pillows, lambs wool, bumpers or soft toys)

So going by that I’d assume you wouldn’t put a soft toy right next to your babies face.

Along with your advice on breastfeeding being incorrect and controlled crying comforting being dangerous if followed to an absolute tee, your bedding guide is a SIDS risk.

I truly hope your followers use common sense when preparing their babies sleep environment.

Yours sincerely,
A Very Concerned Mother

Baby’s got rhythm

I remember in the breastfeeding class I took before I had my first baby, so a long time ago , the lactation consultant said that there is no way to know exactly how much breastmilk your baby is getting per feed but if you demand feed your breasts will produce the exact amount for your baby.

She didn’t tell me it could take up to 6 weeks for my supply to regulate and that feeding every hour on the hour is totally normal for some babies.  So when we saw a GP 2 weeks after my baby was born and said “she won’t stop screaming and she just feeds around the clock” he should have told me that it was normal, keep feeding, it will work itself out, right?

Well he didn’t.  He examined her and told me she needed formula.  So like the good girl I was back then, I weaned her completely and switched to crap in a can.  I wish I hadn’t listened but I did and I can’t change that.  However, that little girl was so loved and so nurtured, she has turned out just beautifully.

It was after I weaned her that it all became a numbers game.  How much formula, how many bottles a day, how long are they spaced out, making sure she had a full feed.  At 6 weeks she was diagnosed with silent reflux so then add .6ml of a Zantac twice a day.

Then someone gave me Save Our Sleep and I became obsessed with how often she slept and how long.  Tried that for one day, hated it.  Bought Sleeping Like a Baby by Pinky McKay and at 8 weeks, we started on our journey following attachment parenting.  Cloth nappies came, then an ergo, I learnt about BLW and DD got her first teeth at 5 months old.

Still everyone around me was obsessed with numbers, especially when it came to feeding.  How many bottles and how many little tubs of solids their babies were eating.  We would sit in cafes while my daughter picked off my plate surrounded by mums and babies with little tubs and spoons.  It was okay for them, it worked for them and their babies, but it wasn’t for me.

Perhaps I was a lazy mother, she ate when she wanted, drank when she wanted, slept when she wanted, played when she wanted, we cuddled when she wanted.  We ran on baby time.  And by the time she was about 8 months our day had a predictable rhythm to it.  It wasn’t something I did on purpose really, although Pinky McKay’s sleeping like a baby gave me the initial idea to follow her cues.  It was just how life went.

We went with the flow, she’d generally have a morning nap and I’d shower, dress, have a coffee, get ready for us to go out.  She would wake up and we’d go for a walk, or go to the park, or head to the shops.  Then we’d have lunch and she’d have a play while I did some housework, then she’d have an afternoon nap and I’d do any jobs that were difficult with her under foot.  Then she’d wake up in time to play in the kitchen while I prepared dinner.  DH would come home and play with her while I cooked, then dinner, bath, cuddle, bottle, bed.  It was predictable but fluid.  Sometimes naps didn’t happen, or were longer, or shorter.  Sometimes there were lots of bottles, sometimes very few.  It was relaxed and by the time she was heading towards her first birthday I felt like we had this down pat.  She dropped her morning nap, and that become quiet time instead, read some books, do some colouring, have a shower with mum.

We’d book our play dates for middle of the day, as she was pretty much guaranteed to be awake.

Life was smooth, our ‘routine’ was relaxed, and the clock on the wall barely got a look in.

So imagine the culture shock when my second son was born and we were thrown into the world of NICU.

In NICU everything is about numbers.  From timing feeds, timing the space in between feeds, calculating how much milk a baby is ‘getting,’ measuring top ups, weighing everything from the baby before and after feeds to weighing wet nappies to see the exact out put.  Everything was timed, scheduled and measured.  To me, the relaxed mum who did as her baby pleased, it was total culture shock.

I remember setting alarms for feeding times thinking back to that one day we tried Tizzie Hall’s method and how it didn’t work for me or my baby.  I remember feeling like a fish out of water.  Exposed, vulnerable and confused.

The pumped my baby full of fluid, he was using a lot of energy to maintain his temperature in that air conditioned nursery.  He lost weight, they gave him tiny top ups of fluid.  The lactation consultant was useless, she had calculated how much milk he would ‘need’ (based on what I don’t know) and insisted he needed four hourly feeds.  Again, what this was based on I never know.  I was told demand feeding used too much energy and was difficult to measure their progress.

Demand feeding was in reality inconvenient for them.  Having to ring me every single time he cried.  Too difficult.  They wanted to give him a dummy to space out his feeds.  But I was well aware of the dangers of nipple confusion.  The looks I got when I refused sucrose for him during the heel prick test and insisted on breastfeeding him instead.  It would throw off the whole routine.

But getting him demand feeding, who in the long run would it be an ‘inconvenience’ for?  Surely none of the nurses were coming home with us.  In the end the first night I got him to myself (we roomed in the night before he was discharged) I co-slept and demand fed him.  His temperature was fine.  He didn’t hang off my boob all night.  And I forgot about the numbers.

I brought him home and we’ve demand fed ever since, and his weight has shot up.  He’s never gone 4 hours without a breastfeed (well not during the day anyway) but we’re both happy feeding as often as he wants.  I haven’t been as obsessed with his sleep, but then again when you’re sleep deprived everyone crunches the numbers every now and again.

And as we head towards 8 months I’m noticing a pattern in his sleep that has formed, he likes an early bedtime and often conks out on the boob at 6.15pm and then sleeps deeply for hours and hours.

I believe in making a pattern not a routine.  Babies like to know what’s coming next but a set routine locks you down and stresses you out when you deviate from it.  A routine can be more stress then what it’s worth.

When babies stop sleeping

My baby was sleeping well and now isn’t, HELP!

Remain calm, do not panic. How old is your baby?

4 months.

Light bulb moment. 4 month old sleep regression.

Sleep regression? Wonder weeks? Growth spurts?

All babies go through periods of heightened growth and development. As their worlds change and their abilities increase, they also have big changes going on in their brain often leading to periods of crankiness, clinginess and crying.

Some people call it growth spurts, others wonder weeks and some have termed it sleep regression. What you call it does not matter.

It can seem like it goes on forever, especially if you have teething and illness on top of it. A friend of mine haw had 3 straight months of illness on top of wonder weeks, and I think of her often and how she’s doing it tough.

How do you know when one is coming?
I have the wonder weeks app, and when I notice my baby being particularly cranky I check the app, surprise surprise it’s a wonder week. You can also buy the book, The Wonder Weeks or go the wonder weeks website

How do we get survive a period of sleep regression?
The first thing you do is slow right down. Peaceful days encourage peaceful nights. It migh be inconvenient to rearrange your schedule but it could make all the difference.

Vent and accept support. Vent in a safe way, phone a friend, write in a blog or parenting forum, put your baby down somewhere safe like in a cot/bassinet/on the floor/in a bouncer and walk away for 5 minutes to calm down. Accept offers of help as they come your way.

Forget about the housework. It doesnt matter if the house is a wreck when you finally get baby down for a nap, you go for a nap.

Remember that your baby will be learning something new and when all this finishes they’ll have something new to show you.

It’s only temporary, they will get back to sleeping eventually and it will be like this never happened.

Am I creating a rod for my own back?
By gently parenting your baby through their period if heightened clinginess you are not creating a rod for your own back or spoiling your baby. Quite the opposite. You’re tending to your babies needs, facilitating the extra learning and maintaining the healthy attachment. There is no need to start a stricter routine or regime around sleep during a wonder week. More cuddles and closeness will make it easier on both of you.

But my baby doesn’t need feeding during the night anymore, should I offer water instead?
Babies needs, especially for feeding, isn’t cut and dry. My first would go without a night feed for a while and then want her bottle again for a few weeks, it would go in cycles. I wouldn’t deny a baby under 2 years of age a night feed, but that’s my personal feeling on it. I defiantly wouldn’t night wean before 1 year or limit access to the boob at all before 1 year, but again that is my personal feeling. I have found offering a feed straight away in the dark without talking let’s baby know it’s night time it’s bed time and you’re either feeding or sleeping. The few times I tried to settle without a milk feed when my daughter was around 14 months took so much longer, she got distressed and in the end she would wake earlier for a feed anyway. I also resettle after 45 minutes with a breastfeed as well. But again, each to their own.

We’ve been following Save Our Sleep and she doesn’t mention sleep regression or these wonder weeks, what should I do?
Even babies who have been sleep trained can start waking through the night during a growth spurt or wonder week, and then what? More crying, more distress, mothers feeling like failures because their baby is deviating from the ‘plan.’. On Becoming Babywise suggests that babies sleep through from 8 weeks with no night feeds, no mention of differing needs during mental leaps there.

The best thing is to forget any set routine or regime during this period of mental growth. They aren’t doing this to annoy you, your baby is genuinely having a difficult time with a huge increase of brain activity as they learn something new. They haven’t read the book and they don’t know that they aren’t ‘allowed’ to start waking again.

I have found with both my children when they woke in the night that gentle settling techniques helped my babies get back to sleep calmly and stopped them from revving themselves up too much. It also helped me get to sleep quicker, loud crying would startle me awake, gentle rocking makes me sleepy and relaxed, I fall asleep much better.

A heightened period of mental development isn’t the time to start something new either, there’s already so much going on that I wouldn’t expect much of it to be retained let alone work.

You need to do what works for you during this period without worrying about ruining the routine or not sticking to the plan.

When does it end?
Shortly after her first birthday my daughter stopped having these periods of fussiness now that I think about it. She still does have growth spurts but she just ends up eating everything and wakes up in the morning demanding nutella sandwiches and big glasses of milk. I find a majority of her frustration, tantrums and crankiness come down to two things – needing a nap or inability to communicate, and it no longer goes on for weeks at a time.

I’m judgemental, and so are you.

Aren’t we all a little judgemental? And is it always a bad thing?

All too often I am told when I write something someone doesn’t agree with that I’m being judgmental. I believe that my way of parenting is the only way and I make parenting in any other way virtually impossible, apparently.

What a load of hogwash.

Firstly, we are all judgmental. How else do we determine what is right and what is wrong for our children and families? By using our better judgement.

Secondly, judgement isn’t always a negative. If I said, for example, that Tizzie Hall was a miracle worker Tizzie Hall saved our sleep Tizzie Hall is a nice person, that would be a positive judgement. Think about when you tell someone their kids seem so happy and healthy, positive judgement.

Thirdly, why is it okay for some people to be judgmental and not others? Statements like I should be ashamed if myself, is this not passing a judgement on me? I’ve been told I’m smothering my kids with affection, this is okay too apparently. Not to mention the anti-attachment parenting groups and the first one that comes to mind is the parents against co sleeping group. Now don’t tell me that group is judgment free.

Are we not all judgmental in our day to day lives? Watch the news. How do you feel about what you see? The pit bull attack on the 4 year old. Pit bull lovers blame the owner (wasn’t trained correctly or tied up or enclosed well enough etc) while anti-pit bull voices are shouting that it’s a dangerous breed. My judgment is that it’s an absolute tragedy and may that sweet girl rest in peace. But aren’t both sides being judgmental?

Look I believe that people shouldn’t be unfairly judged but if you are going to put yourself out there then what do you expect?

Furthermore parenting ‘experts’ who publish books are going to have their works critiqued. It’s not a personal attack or judgment on the reader, it’s a critique of the work of that writer.

Look I have friends who parent in all sorts of ways. Attachment parents, mainstream parents, routine mums, even mums who use bits and pieces from SOS. We have been friends before I blogged and after. They see my writing for what it is and know it is not a personal attack.

In conclusion, we all judge. Not all judgment is mean and nasty. If you’re going to accuse someone then first look at your own patterns of behavior. And remember not everything is a personal attack.

Which brings me to my final point. When I stopped breastfeeding my daughter under dodgy medical advice I will admit to believing every positive I read about breastfeedif felt like a negative judgement towards me and my baby. It wasn’t, but I didnt know that. I couldn’t see passed my own guilt and frustration to realize it was about those babies and their breastfeeding relationships and not a reflection on my abilities as a mother. As my confidence as a mother grew I was able to separate the benefits of breastfeeing and how positive it can be and my own feelings about weaning my daughter. It’s been 2 years now and I still feel the pang of guilt about our experience but I didn’t let that stop me doing better with my son.

It took reading what felt like some pretty harsh criticism to make me realize I had done wrong and I needed to do better. And though it hurt to read it I’m glad I dis because I have done better. Sometimes being ‘judgmental’ is helpful, because although they may not thank you or be happy with you, you may be placing the seed in their mind that helps them become better mothers.